To put this proposal to 'D'P re: house move

[JanJanBillyBearHam]

Hi
Me and DP are hoping to move for reasons that we both agree on. Our 2 DCs are primary school age. Trouble is that we are not in a good place, and I think it's 80% likely we will split but I have to give him a chance to change.
I don't want to buy another house which I wouldn't be able to stay in if we split. I want to say why don't I buy a house in my name, with the money that I put into our current house with a percentage added to make it fair as the house has increased in value. With the money left over I want to put in an account for my partner to be able to use for a deposit for a flat should we split.
I feel he will not take this well and see it as me writing him off or wanting him to fall. I see it as stopping our children having the unnecessary stress of two house moves. He will say that the sort of house I could afford on my own is not good for our DC's as it is in a worse area, not as big, small garden etc. I grew up in a house like this with a single mum and honestly I had a much happier childhood than a lot of people I know who had two parents and a 'lovely home'.
I wanted to know what MN thought, especially as I am the main breadwinner and also the person who owns the majority of the house. My DF pointed out that if my DP was the woman, this would be a horribly unfair situation. I'm not so sure.

Move on your own to a place that suits you and your children.

He can work on himself later

Move on now. If your creating an escape plan then moving in together somewhere seems pointless.

If I was him, I wouldn't agree to this.

Just split now.

I would just split now tbh

I don't think it's a great idea, you'd be better off splitting now.

Do you legally own more via a deed of trust and owning as tenants in common?

Do you legally in writing own most of the current house, and what happens if you split up now?

If you are thinking like this, then it sounds like your relationship is over tbh. And that's how I would see it if you presented the idea to me. After all, if you don't split up, what do you do with the money? Move house again, so moving the kids twice anyway?

What is your situation now?

Can't you wait.? Do you really want to pursue the cost and stress of a new house when you think you'll split?

Don’t move until you are sure the relationship is permanent.

On the basis that you are contemplating splitting, why wait.

Not really giving him a chance if you've got it all planned out and you've been discussing it with your friends, so why the pretence OP?

Moving house is very stressful, so might be the final straw for a struggling marriage.

If you think there is ANY chance of you and DP resolving your problems and staying together, then the best place to work on that is in your current home, with no distractions. Not with one foot out of the door.

If you really know it's over, then be upfront about it so your children know what's what, and you and DP can negotiate an asset-split that;s fair to both.

If you're having those kind of reservations, I honestly wouldn't move house with him. I'd stay where you are, or move and have the new house in your name.

Split up now

The trouble is that DP thinks that current house is the root of all his and our problems and that moving will be a 'magic' cure. I am not of this opinion however if I don't move then we have no way of 'testing' his theory. If we move and I don't mention it then we end up in another house that neither us could afford to keep if we split. If we go with my plan then there's a chance he won't agree with the move and we'll have to split anyway.

Just to be clear, he's DP and you would separate rather than DH and divorce? If he's DH then I suspect that it doesn't matter what percentage of the house is on the deeds, or what is the theoretical purpose of the bank deposit - it will all go into one pot to be carved up.

There is no way I'd spend all that money to test his theory.

Has one of your got a long commute or something? Could you rent for a bit?

Imagine how you would feel if he made this proposal to you. Then you'll know how he'll feel about it.

The only reason, to me. it would be seen as 'horribly unfair on the woman' if the situation was reversed is because it is her who has given birth to, had maternity leave and otherwise detrimentally affected her earning potential.
So the only way I think that this is unfair is if you went back to work very quickly after having the children and he was a 'stay at home' parent who took on the majority of the extra work of having children (including practical, emotional and administrative demands). The person doing the majority of this work is contributing to the home and family just as much as the one earning the money.

If this is the case then you are being unfair. If you have carried most of this weight and earnt more than him then it is not unfair.

Move on your own with the house in your name. And PLEASE....
everytime someone on MN says "I stay so the children will have a good home" quote this "He will say that the sort of house I could afford on my own is not good for our DC's as it is in a worse area, not as big, small garden etc. I grew up in a house like this with a single mum and honestly I had a much happier childhood than a lot of people I know who had two parents and a 'lovely home'.

Do your plan. If he won't agree then he is doing the splitting up. It sounds sensible. But if you don't think it's the house but the DP then rip the plaster off now. If you genuinely can't face that give him the option of staying with you as per your plan. Good luck. Your emotions and views are yours. Stand up for yourself and don't contort in worry or get something you don't want for sake of dp

The trouble is that DP thinks that current house is the root of all his and our problems and that moving will be a 'magic' cure. I am not of this opinion however if I don't move then we have no way of 'testing' his theory.

You don't need to prove him wrong.
You know that the house move isn't the magic cure. Everyone here knows it isn't the magic cure. And when it doesn't work he'll find another excuse as to why it wasn't the magic cure and will never allow himself to be proved wrong anyway.
You're just wasting time.

Just because that's his theory, doesn't make you obligated to test it. It's fine to leave because you don't see a future for the relationship. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Can you rent for a test period maybe? I know moving multiple times adds to the stress but I’m with others that if your proposed this to me, I’d consider the relationship over. At the same time you’re right not to buy a property you can’t afford on your own when you think splitting is likely.

I don’t think this is a good plan. I would either stay where you are for now (but he doesn’t want to) or sell and rent somewhere until you are clear on where this relationship is going.

If you do your plan and it DOES work out with the partner then would you be happy long term in such a property if you could have got a bigger one with all the money/viewing power?