In law etiquette

[Sparklybutold]

I've posted a few times about this but as I have no family of my own I'm unsure of etiquette plus I like the variety of responses you get from mumsnet.

Aibu in expecting in laws to be more hands on/interested?

Do people initiate meets with in laws or do you wait to be invited?

I'm rethinking my relationship and boundaries with my in laws and wondering what other relationships are with their in laws are like.

Could you clarify further? Interested/hands on in what?

Is it a new relationship and you haven’t met your in-laws yet?

I’d expect it to be a fairly even split between you for who does the inviting.

What are you expecting them to be hands on/interested in?

They should imo be able to have the same input as your parents do.

However, you don't give much info.

I avoid mine as much as possible. When DH suggests we visit (not often) we go. Other people with happier in-law relationships will be along in a minute...

You are all adults, so I would expect the relationship to be one of equals with reciprocal levels of effort.

When first married, my IL's were pretty hands off. We would equally invite each other to our homes for lunch or a barbecue two or three times a year and get together for special birthdays and alternate Christmas's.
When DC arrived PIL were keen to be more hands on. I think you need to make sure your boundaries are firm, but at the same time remember that they are the parents of your DH so will be invested in his DC (as you will be with your son's children).
Your questions though are the sort that are impossible for us to answer for you. What distances are involved, age of the IL's etc. are huge considerations.

What do you do with your friends? Surely it’s turn and turn about? I’d expect things to therefore be the same with your in laws: unless there’s a backstory about them being difficult to get along with, you just contact each other in roughly equal proportions to see if the other would like to come for dinner / go out for a drink.

If you wait to be invited and are put out they rarely do, it’s likely they are equally put out that you never invite them.

Ime leave the navigation of dc /ils relationships to your dh.

My ils never had my mobile number for example.. Dh dealt with the requests for baby pics and meet ups.
They frankly did my blood head in.
For example turning up at 8.20 am to try and take the dc to school.. Who wants people in their home at that time?
Dh once frog marched fil out the door for massively overstepping.

Think long and hard before overinvesting op..

Wanting to be more interested in kids lives. FIL can be extremely rude and generally has a quiet anger about him. I do find him misogynistic and he is abusive towards MIL. I don't like him.

MIL - I enjoy her company. She's different when FIL not around. She's more hands on with the kids in terns of the occasional babysitting they do. Mum will do the lions share. Generally because dad is doing ‘important’ stuff and generally gets frustrated and angry around the kids. He doesn't cope well with change, noise or mess.

I've known them for 22 years. I'm just rethinking my relationship/ expectations and boundaries with them because of what I've said in previous post.

My mum died when I was 2. I am estranged from my dad. He has never met my children. Therefore I am unsure what to reasonably expect?

Does your DH like his parents?

My husband loves his parents but doesn't like them. He is loyal to them.

Normal with my in-laws, don't know about in general. In a nutshell, always have a reason they can't see us (it's always us offering to go to them, they are very young and no mobility issues, just prefer to sit in front of their TV), don't really contact us and now and then complain that we don't try to see them enough and that they miss their grandchildren. 🤷‍♀️ We see them once every 4-6 months, fleetingly. We've given up trying as we almost always get knocked back.

This is true. We are all adults. But this assumes all parties think and act reasonably. See above.

I know my relationship with the in laws has been impacted by my own unmet needs with my own parents. This something that I am.now refkecting on and feeling the need to establish new boundaries.

Most relationships are a 2 way street, so if you don't initiate most won't initiate with you.

Late 60s - both still work. Das insisting on chasing a failing a business which has literally haemorrhaged in excess of 100 grand. I do worry about him and mum. Spoke to DH about it but DH generally states his dad is an adult plus he knows his dad would just get angry.

I suspect the failing business may be the source of your FIL’s anger.

He's always been angry. His failing business has been happening for over a decade but he just refuses to see it. It astonishes me how completely delusional he is. He is charging 400 plus for a product that you can buy on Etsy for much less. He can be extremely pompous.

I initiate a lot but over the last couple of years have reduced this substantially. DH jokes if it wasn't for me he's barely see his parents. Mum tends to invite us round for a Sunday meal. I reciprocated this weekend because I felt a little guilty knowing mum had invited us round lots. I generally stopped inviting them here because I just find dad so difficult that I don't like him in my home.

You can't talk to him normally because he knows better. He asks pointed questions in a way which come across as though you're being scolded.