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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take ex to court

18 replies

Andra09 · 18/07/2022 12:42

My kids Dad has them every other weekend, Friday to Sunday. This is a mutual agreement between us. Every Friday, he turns up around 8/9pm and brings them back around the same time, although it should be much earlier. He feeds them McDonald's in the car on the way home. My kids keep coming home telling me about inappropriate things they've been watching on YouTube.
2 weeks ago, he said he couldn't have them because his cousin had died. Now I know the cousin and they weren't super close. I said that he still has to have them and whatever "important" things he needed to do, should be done around the kids (just like I do everyday).
He point blank refused. He didn't call them to say he wasn't coming and they never spoke to him until the Friday after, when he came to pick them up, at 10pm! He rarely calls them in between visits and has only ever been to 2 parents evenings (my eldest is 8 and autistic).
I'm sick of him picking and choosing when he wants to be a parent. He technically should of had them weekend gone but said he wasn't in a financial position to come and get them and I refuse to take them, its an hours drive there and back
AIBU to refuse him access until it goes through the courts?

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 18/07/2022 12:53

I think YWBU to completely refuse him access. It would also go against you in a future court case. However, you can set and enforce boundaries that are best for your children. I have an 8yo, she is always fast asleep by 10pm. I would not be ok with ex collecting her at that time. I would text or email, and remind them of the earlier agreed time, and state my boundary and consequence.

"Ex, I have noticed that recently you have been collecting the children far later than the agreed time, and this is starting to disrupt their sleep, which as you'll know, is very important for them. Therefore I would like us to remain at the agreed time of 6pm. If you have not arrived by 8pm, I will have to assume that you are not collecting them that day, but will collect the following morning instead."

Does he pay maintainence? If he's only having them 52-103 nights a year, and keeps dropping his weekends without swapping with you, he might be dropping down a bracket into the "less than 52 nights a year". It might be woth pointing this out to him.

Ihatethenewlook · 18/07/2022 12:59

Don’t you think it will be a little counterproductive stopping access to make him have more access? I’m not sure if I’m correctly understanding what you’re trying to achieve. It’s rubbish when he doesn’t get them, but a relative dying and him not being able to afford travel are not the worse reasons in the world. Could you not get them to him? I don’t think hes doing anything anywhere near wrong enough for you to ban him from seeing his children, why would you do that to your own kids?

justfiveminutes · 18/07/2022 13:06

I'm afraid that I agree with pp that he isn't doing anything bad enough to take him to court. I think it would be counter-productive for you actually.

I think he should pick up/drop off at the agreed times but I think macdonalds/YouTube are quite trivial unless it is also ok for him to question what you feed them and what you let them watch.

I see where you are coming from regarding his cousin's death. If you had a death in the family, you would not expect to drop your kids at his house. However, it would not prompt me to go to court.

Regarding the cost of travelling - do you take it in turns or does he always do the travelling? Did he move an hour away or did you?

justfiveminutes · 18/07/2022 13:10

Sorry I've just noticed that it's an hour there and back. That doesn't seem so far really. Do you share travelling?

If he loves the kids and they love him, I think it would be awful to deny access on these grounds. If he is too poor to pay for petrol how will he go to court for access?

It feels as if you are using the children to punish him.

Is there are reason he picks up so late? I'd be more sympathetic if it is work than if it is the pub, for example.

Quitelikeit · 18/07/2022 13:12

YABU. Firstly there is no guarantee that he would take you to court.

secondly even if he does and he is granted a court order stating EOW collection 6pm Friday that does not mean he will come at that time since he is so reliable. Are you going to take him back to court for a breach here and there? Or withhold access?

also 1 hour each way is a lot - maybe offer to meet in the middle?

remember you want the best for your children - focus on what you can do for them and not what you ‘think’ their father should be doing. Otherwise you will end up bitter and resentful. And resentment is like drinking your own poison.

from your post above I can see that you’ve definitely had a mouthful!!!

you’ve not said why he comes so late?

Quitelikeit · 18/07/2022 13:12

* unreliable

Blossomandbee · 18/07/2022 13:14

I wouldn't take him to court based on what you've said no. It's stressful, expensive and very drawn out. They won't look kindly on you withdrawing his access either! That should only happen if there are safeguarding issues.
Court isn't a magic answer, they won't stop him giving them a McDonald's in the car for example.
You would do better having a proper conversation with him and if necessary some mediation. You could see a solicitor about putting some proper arrangements in place specifying times etc that you both agree to stick to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2022 13:17

What will you tell your children, that they’re no longer allowed a relationship with their father because you don’t like his time keeping, don’t like MacDonald’s and his cousin died but you don’t think that’s a good excuse? Do you think they’ll accept that? I doubt it.

Tetetete · 18/07/2022 13:18

I think some parts of your post are reasonable and others aren't.

Picking them up so late isn't good, speak to him about that.

Leave out what he feeds them, that's not up to you. I also think it depends what he's letting them watch on YouTube. Letting an 8 year old watch gameplay on YouTube of a 12 rated game is one thing, letting them watch an 18 rated horror film is another.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable about the cousin. It's not for you to say whether he was close enough to them to be upset / need to grieve. I do understand you can't just dump your children when bad things happen but I do come from a set up where we'd not hesitate in this situation to have DSC if mum needed a bit of time and vice versa. We are flexible with things like this because we can be and it works better if we are all just a bit understanding of each other.

I don't think refusing access is reasonable. It would hurt your children most importantly and I don't think a court would agree with you on this.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/07/2022 13:20

Sorry I've just noticed that it's an hour there and back. That doesn't seem so far really. Do you share travelling?

The OP has them 12 days out of 14, the LEAST he can do is pick them up and drop them back

PeekAtYou · 18/07/2022 13:24

What's your goal?

You could get a court order saying he must pick up at 6pm every other Friday but a Child Arrangement Order lists the time that you must make the kids available rather than a list of times that he must pick them up. He can chose not to turn up and there is no legal penalty for that.

An order that says 6pm Friday isn't going to stop him turning up at 9pm. How is he likely to react if you said no to collection at 9pm? Personally I think it's a ridiculous time to pick up a primary school child on a regular basis (aren't they asleep?)

How is your financial situation ? How do you feel about being forced to take him back to court when he brings the kids back at 9pm rather than a more reasonable time ?

You need to let the YouTube and McDonalds go. Nobody will be interested in those points.

Original poster

Andra09 · 18/07/2022 13:26

He comes late because he finishes work late every Friday but only works 3 days a week. He always has a different excuse EVERY Friday. My argument is that he should find a job that works around the kids because that's what I will have to do when my youngest starts reception.
I would rather my kids have no contact than contact when he feels like it. Or seeing them upset because he can't come get them for whatever reason it is that day. I'm the one that has to explain, he doesn't call them.
I'm the one that has to deal with the backlash all the time.
I had 2 back to back miscarriages between April and June but I don't have the luxury of saying, I can't have the kids this week. I still had to get up and take care of their needs. Yes my current partner was supporting me but that's not the point. You can't be Dad one day and a bachelor the rest. Yes I am bitter and Yes I am probably being OTT but I'm fed up. My eldest is autistic and needs routine, she went through a stage of not wanting to go because he doesn't pay proper attention to her needs.

But thanks for the messages, they give some incite

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 18/07/2022 13:27

I think it's fine to say he must turn up by say 7pm Friday or you'll assume no pick up but be prepared for him to drop them off later to piss you off.

Imogensmumma · 18/07/2022 13:49

I think you won’t win an argument saying he should find another job, that is YABU

I’d suggest if it’s an hour you drop the kids to him or he has pickup Saturday morning

GreenManalishi · 18/07/2022 14:01

I was in a similar boat when DC were small, I would say that the only thing that made it easier on DC and me was to suck it up to a point ie, the McDonalds and the YouTube. Ooh goody, daddy is late, that means I get to hang out with oyou a bit longer, rather than, you're dad is useless, where is he etc

You've got to remember that you aren't together for a reason and you're probably really different people, so do things differently. I'd stay out of court for this, you don't really have anything worth going for and the stress and expense would be best saved for a good reason.

Having said that, it would be reasonable for you to communicate clearly that the kids will be available up until 8pm Friday evening for collection, after which time they will be in bed and will be available again from 9am the following day, as per previous poster, and set some boundaries.

That way if he does end up accusing you of preventing access, which is really something you'd only want to be doing in extreme circumstances as it won't do you any favours, you've got proof you've been reasonable in the kids best interrests, which is all they're bothered about. Not how shit a dad he is. Try and let it slide a bit, and not hyper focus on the detail and you'll save yourself some wrinkles.

Tetetete · 18/07/2022 16:05

I would rather my kids have no contact than contact when he feels like it

Unfortunately it's not about what you'd rather.

Can you suggest he pick them up Saturday morning?

Tetetete · 18/07/2022 16:06

I agree with PP, say something like DC will be available until 8pm or from 9am the next day. You're not refusing access then but it gives you a bit more control.

Hatsoff5 · 18/07/2022 16:11

You need to pull the reins. Gather evidence. Commicate childcare arrangements between email I think you need to scrap the Friday night tbh 9pm is too late my DS I'd 7 and he's sleeping around 8pm on a Friday night usually. The Sunday night ... 9pm drop off is also V late why is this? Kids have school the next day it isn't fair.

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