To feel conflicted about relationship with mother

[Cookiecupcake]

Basically everytime my mother comes to visit me and my dc the night before she is due to leave she will start a huge argument.

AIBU to wonder if this is normal in a mother /daughter relationship?

She will raise things about my dad (her ex husband) and my brother (mental health issues) and our general dysfunctional family past and cast blame and paint herself as a victim. If I try and provide a more balanced view which involves any perceived imperfection on her part she will switch and say 'shut up', 'I don't care', 'stop talking' or 'seek help you need it' and really dismiss and devalue my opinions feelings.. when I didn't even want or intiate the conversation and have listened to her side.

She is great with my dc but every now and then I will see the veneer drop. She was never great fun or attentive when we were growing up so part of me feels by the end of the wkend she is struggling to keep up the act.

I don't want to stop the relationship as the dc love her visits and we don't have much family but I wonder if in future she will start to treat them the same way. She is very withholding of attention or love if the whim takes her or if she feels backed into a corner for any reason.

AIBU to question the relationship going forward? Does this sound like normal family dynamics? Or is she displaying toxic traits?

When she starts with the conversation, remind her that this always ends in an argument and you don't want to end on that.
Being with you and DC and playing happy families probably makes her reflect on what happened with her own children. She probably doesn't actually want your input, she just wants to vent. What happens if you just smile, nod and don't respond?

This is not a healthy dynamic, but there's plenty of relationships like this, IME. Would it be possible not to engage in the argument, grey rock, then she can't say shut up etc?

Cross post with Mono.

I think the transition of leaving is very disruptive. Many kids with disordered attachment or dysfunctional relationships cause problems when they are ending a trip/school year/ holiday as a way to make themselves feel better about the separation. I can see that my dad has done that. He would alienate me by saying something horrible so the separation was less painful to him.

@Confrontayshunme ive never looked at it this way. Interesting view point, thank you for sharing.
Do you still have a relationship with your father?

If I try and provide a more balanced view which involves any perceived imperfection on her part she will switch and say 'shut up', 'I don't care', 'stop talking' or 'seek help you need it' and really dismiss and devalue my opinions feelings.. when I didn't even want or intiate the conversation and have listened to her side.
"I'm sorry you feel you have to insult me & start arguments, but I'm no longer tolerating this attitude - time to go, get your bags, I don't want to hear it."

I don't want to stop the relationship as the dc love her visits and we don't have much family but I wonder if in future she will start to treat them the same way. She is very withholding of attention or love if the whim takes her or if she feels backed into a corner for any reason.
Your DC do NOT need to witness this, let alone have it turned on them.
And she will definitely turn it on them. She needs an audience, & she needs to abuse that audience.

Before her next visit, spell out to her that you want her to avoid the touchy subject of your dad & brother, as you don't want the DC hearing it. That if she cannot leave it alone, & starts yet another row, you will ask her to go.
She WILL kick off about that - you can probably already imagine exactly how she will respond. But how is avoiding the subject working for you?!
You'll need to stick to your guns, & go through the unpleasantness a time or few.
What will then happen is she will either learn, & improve a little - or she will blame you, & stay away.
You need to accept that either option is better than what you have now.
You do NOT need to maintain a relationship "for" the DC. She is not a good example to your DC, & needs to be kept in check.
For them, you need to explain in age-appropriate language that you love grandma, but grandma has problems managing her temper, & will be aksed to leave if she loses it again.

Chin up OP.
The only way past this is through it: there is NO 'easy' way of inviting your mother to watch her mouth & manners.

@KettrickenSmiled All good advice which I will try. Needed to hear this, thank you

It's not easy is it Cookie - you have had a lifetime of being conditioned by your mother to put her needs above your own, & everybody else's.

But it's time to call a halt.
Expect an 'extinction burst' when you do - & do NOT let that make you fall back into compliance & appeasement.
fortestrong.com/extinction-burst-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-use-it-to-your-advantage/

You need to hold strong while she acts out a few times, & as the article suggests, she will eventually learn that causing a row at your house = being made to leave, & that causing a row at hers, or any other neutral place, means that you will leave.

Do it for your kids.
Also for yourself. You will get such a boost from it - not just a cessation (eventually!) of all these unpleasant arguments & abuse, but an increase in confidence & self-worth.