Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do?

13 replies

Notinparis · 18/07/2022 10:12

Posted in this section as it seems to get the most response. I’ve changed my name for this. DH and I have been together for 15 years, recently though I am not feeling attracted to him at all, his ways are just so off putting, laziness etc. is it normal to fall in and our of love? Should I ride this out?

really struggling to be affectionate to him and he has noticed.

OP posts:
Cookiecupcake · 18/07/2022 10:18

How long have you been together? Do you have any kids?

I don't many long term couples who want to jump each others bones 247. I believe relationships develop and ebb and flow over time. I would rather be in a commited stable relationship and provide good mother and father family role model for my children then break it all apart based on physicality. But everyone is different. It depends how much it is effecting you.

Putonyourshoes · 18/07/2022 10:20

Passion and sexual interest in a partner, especially a long term one, ebbs and flows I think. However, if you’re noticing specific traits that you’re finding off putting, that is slightly different to the normal fluctuations.
Has he always been lazy? If not, then you should discuss that with him. If he has always been this way then it’s a bit more tricky - you can ask him to change his ways but if you’ve accepted it for 15 years it might be hard.

Cookiecupcake · 18/07/2022 10:20

Sorry just seen you have been together 15 years. I have been in my relationship 14 years

Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 10:20

I'm in the same position as you. Together 10 years and we never have sex anymore because I don't want to basically and make excuses. It's hard when you still care about the person though and have been together for so long. You aren't on your own.

Original poster
Notinparis · 18/07/2022 10:34

any Ideas of how I can improve it? I don’t want anybody else as I do love him and we are happy in other areas, I can’t imagine my life without him so I don’t want to break up.

OP posts:
user1494250093 · 18/07/2022 10:54

Sending good thoughts.

I totally 'went off' my partner sexually which led to them breaking up with me. I now have new partner (and am happy) but wish I'd taken this more seriously at the time as I think relationship could have been saved if I'd been more honest with myself that there was a problem (at least you're acknowledging it).

Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity is a great read here. Basically, she reckons you have to create a little distance between you and your partner so desire can come in. So it's not necessarily about 'date night' (gah!) and 'trying new things in bed' (gah!) – it's investing in your friends and interests so you can become a separate person.

I think long-term relationships do ebb and flow. You're not alone.Your partner will be noticing it too.

RoundaboutRacer · 18/07/2022 10:56

Married 13 years and together 18.

It certainly ebbs and flows sexually - obviously with the lack of sleep/privacy due to small children years being a slow point for us.

The last year or so we're probably at the peak sex life so far. We do it less than in our early 20s but I think the lack of inhibition compared to being young is the difference.

We make sure to try new things and take time for just ourselves now DC are older. Can feel a bit of an effort sometimes but always worth it.

We also make sure not to let it get longer than a week without sex (exceptions for illness etc of course) as it's very easy to get out of the habit.

Original poster
Notinparis · 18/07/2022 20:03

He came in from work and tried to kiss me (snog) I shut it down really quickly? I do want to fancy him and I love my life with Him and the kids. What’s going on????

OP posts:
Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 20:38

@Notinparis I'm in the exact same boat. My DP tried coming onto me before and I got the ick 😭 I want to feel the same and love my life too. It's such a difficult situation!! I have a really stable partner who treats me like a queen so it makes no sense and I feel terrible.

Original poster
Notinparis · 18/07/2022 21:07

@Celestial135 any ideas what we can do? I know my husband deserves somebody who feels the same way back, I think with having 2 young kids and life in general the spark for me has gone, I am preoccupied with the kids

OP posts:
Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 21:16

My DP can be a bit clingy and likes a lot of reassurance which I find overwhelming sometimes an it puts me off a bit so that could be why in my case. Bringing it up is difficult without me sounding like an insensitive arsehole. I'm not the best with words. We have tried the whole going on dates and making more effort but I actually think I need space to think about things. Is that how you feel OP?

Original poster
Notinparis · 18/07/2022 21:19

@Celestial135 erm, I haven’t ever thought DH was clingy until now really, he stand in doorways etc waiting for kisses, cuddles and it honestly never enters my mind. I think I have lost the sexual attraction but I don’t want to break up?

do you have kids?

OP posts:
Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 22:32

No we have no kids @Notinparis I can imagine the dynamic being more difficult with kids though. Have you tried speaking to your partner? Maybe I should suggest the same to my DP but maybe you could try and spice things up in the bedroom?
Life does just get in the way sometimes with work etc and you obviously love your partner (same as me) sounds like the spark has just gone.
Not sure in my case as I need to think about things but I hope you figure things out.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page