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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship with FIL

21 replies

Sparklybutold · 17/07/2022 23:49

AIBU? do I need to lower my expectations (if so - how?) or can my FIL just be a bit of a dick sometimes?

I really struggle with my FIL. The older I get the less I've tried to actively engage with him as I find him difficult and misogynistic. You can't really have a cordial conversation with him as he has the uncanny ability to make every conversation horrid as he has to be right/he knows best/he doesn't get sarcasm or any type of inherent joke in a conversation. I find him awful. He's abusive towards my MIL - generally talks to her like crap (as before) and was psychologically and physically abusive towards both his sons when they were kids (my DH) although he wouldn't term it as this because that's just the way things were done and he was/is the head of the household. He ran the house based on fear. The problem I have is I like MIL. I've spoken to my DH about it numerous times but his dad still has control over him now/plus my DH has gotten used to behaving a set way around his dad which both enables and somewhat manages his dads way of communicating. My 12 year old DS has very astutely noticed how FIL is. I started to limit contact with FIL (used to invite him for coffee etc, invite him and MIL around our home frequently), but I stepped away from this as I just felt so emotionally depleted after being with him.

Both him and MIL came around today and again I'm sitting here just feeling depleted. I'm trying to work on my expectations of him especially as I am estranged from all of my family so I'm terms of grandparents, these are it. I just don't know what to do.

It also plays on my mind in the event of both myself and my DH dying as both FIL and MIL are down to care for both kids - but I dread it if the kids were in this situation. But what choice do I have? There's no one on my side and then can I really ask for friends to potentially step in with such a monumental task combined with the fact it would hurt MIL (and FIL) so much?

What can I really do? Are you in a similar situation? If so? How do you cope?

OP posts:
Maltester71 · 17/07/2022 23:57

I was. In every way you describe.

he died in 2019. I sort of miss him. But it was often hard.

Bunty55 · 18/07/2022 00:02

I don't think you can do anything as it will backfire and probably cause problems for his wife.
All you can do is talk to your children if they comment and tell them you don't like how he behaves and what he does and says is not acceptable

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:04

@Bunty55

I do frequently - my son is very astute and picked up on it around the age of 8.

It's a tough situation - I just wish I had back up on my side.

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Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:05

@Maltester71

Sometimes I think it would be easier if he wasn't here. I know our life decisions would be very different.

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Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:13

It's my daughters birthday in a couple of weeks - would I be wrong to not initiate an invitation? Let them ring and ask to see her?

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Bunty55 · 18/07/2022 00:16

Why inflict this man on your child? Limit the time you spend with them. I feel sorry for his wife but she chooses to stay with him

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:22

@Bunty55

So would you be included to not invite him to see his granddaughter? I was just going to do cake and tea with them. He's also gluten intolerant which is a nightmare as he can be really artery about it. Generally sits there whilst my MIL does all the cooking.

It's difficult because i like MIL.

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SummerWhisper · 18/07/2022 00:23

You could have a girl's day with DD and MIL and that would naturally exclude FIL. Give MIL a break from that pig and spoil both of them.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:23

@Bunty55

I've already limited the time I spend with him but I'm wondering how much can I realistically limit? It's funny because my DH and I often joke that if it wasn't for me we would barely see his parents.

I'm wondering whether to talk to MIL how I feel? But then I don't want the drama.

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Doingtheboxerbeat · 18/07/2022 00:24

I agree with @Bunty55, your DH and your DMIL are adults and have got used to this, but you and your DC shouldn't have to. You may need to roar your way out of this one.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:24

@SummerWhisper

Nice suggestion - I could offer that.

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Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:26

@Doingtheboxerbeat

How do I do this? It's new territory for me really. Can I just stop making the plans? And just focus on seeing mum?

What do I do when mum invites us round to there's? I know DH is generally reluctant to go? What do I do?

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Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:27

Plus when I have spoken about this with DH he has generally asked me to go to support him.

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Bunty55 · 18/07/2022 00:32

Can't you talk to his mum or is it something you could not discuss with her?

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 00:35

@Bunty55

I'm thinking about having a conversation with her. Plus it would give me the opportunity to check in with her regarding dads behaviour towards her. I'm a little disappointed that my DH can't do this but then he has been on the receiving end of his dad his whole life, so I so empathatise.

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Bunty55 · 18/07/2022 00:40

You father in law sounds like a bully. I bet he is only rude like this to women. No man would tolerate his behaviour except maybe a son who has grown up with the bullying knowing his mother has to put up with it or he would go NC.

Tread carefully. Sometimes interfering in situations like this only make things a whole lot worse - but... why the hell should your children be put in the same position as their father and their grandmother ?

NumberTheory · 18/07/2022 05:57

What do I do when mum invites us round to there's? I know DH is generally reluctant to go? What do I do?

So you pressure your DH to spend time with his abusive father?

I think you may be well overstepping here.

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2022 07:17

I would be challenging him when he spouts his shit, there’s no way I could keep quiet. I wouldn’t initiate any invitation, a girls’ day out with your mil is a cracking idea.

ohblowmedown · 18/07/2022 07:26

I was in a similar position but luckily my DH wasn't controlled by him as he got older so was less tolerant of his bullish ways.

We managed it by visiting them weekly rather than them visiting us, so we could control how long we stayed. I used to try and refrain from getting in big arguments with him but at the same time wouldn't let him walk all over me. We wanted them to have a relationship with their grandchildren (he was actually good with them)

He actually died a few years ago now and it's been lovely to see MIL blossom after so many years being under his thumb. She's a totally different person!

AnnaMagnani · 18/07/2022 07:44

Your DH has effectively told you what to do but you aren't listening - read your own posts again

my DH and I often joke that if it wasn't for me we would barely see his parents

I know DH is generally reluctant to go

when I have spoken about this with DH he has generally asked me to go to support him

Just from what you have said so far - if you left it to DH he would not see his parents, he doesn't want to see them and he finds it so upsetting to see them he needs you to come with him for support.

Basically you are facilitating his father's abuse of him by continuing to arrange the visits.

What to do about MIL? I would say that is her problem. She remains with FIL. As such she has also abused your DH by allowing, and continuing to allow the abuse. She has not put her child first. Eventually this comes to have consequences and one of them is likely that the adult child doesn't want you to see their grandchildren.

I suggest you take your DH's lead as he is communicating very clearly to you what he wants to do - not see his parents - and radically reduce the number of visits. Definitely don't spoil children's birthdays with them.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 18/07/2022 08:46

@AnnaMagnani

Oh God you're so right - I hadn't thought of this with regards to my DH. Thank you for this insight.

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