High school for DD 11 - private vs state

[tattyteddy]

I’m probably being unreasonable but her goes….

my daughter is going to high school in September. I really want her to go to private school, however my husband is dead set on the idea she goes to the local secondary school.

my work means I have a good knowledge of the local school, they are all massive academies. They are focused on discipline, for example sending kid home if they’ve forgotten planner etc. I think the emphasis should be on nurturing. If a kid is in school that’s surely a win? My DD is good at school so not worried she will get disciplined for bad behaviour. However, the local schools are so focused on discipline that even good kids get negative points. I’ve also heard that there is a gang issue at the school.

my dh states we can’t afford it. It will be a little tight but my parents have agreed to pay half the fees. They only have two gc and want them to have the best opportunities. I just can’t seem to get over the fact she will be going yo the local state academy. She has been offered a place at local private school too. Please help me

I am confused that you are asking this now. The decision needed to be made back in April as you have either accepted the private school place (in which case you are going to be liable for the first term's fees whether she goes there or not) or you rejected it.

We have DC at a private school and yes money is a bit tight eg we are having no full scale holiday this year, just having an airbnb for a long weekend within the uk and some days off at home. But financially it feels worth it for our particular DC. But there's no single solution that's always right for these dilemmas, it depends on the school and on the child. There are plenty of kids who really thrive in state education and there's nothing wrong with a rigorous system of discipline and rules if it is clearly explained and fairly enforced. School doesn't need to be a total joyful experience, there's lots of different needs to balance up. But if you would otherwise be spending the money on luxuries and holidays and you can cover your bills and food then money shouldn't be the reason not to go for it if it is otherwise the best school for the child.

Bluntly, you cant afford it.
I would never rely on anyone else to pay school fees and it sounds like even with your parents help you will struggle.
If the fact that the schools are hot on discipline is your main concern then I dont think thats enough of a reason for you to choose Private if you cant actually afford the fees
I am not anti Private school, my DC go at Secondary but firstly we can easily afford it and secondly the State school is awful, it could actually do with a bit more discipline

Not all Private schools are like this.
Mine wasnt and the one my DC are at isnt either

My ds went to a tiny state primary (120 people in total) and was due to go to a state comp (1600 people). He went to three taster days there and didn't like it, as well as taster days at another state school and two private schools.

He chose one of the private schools. It isn't particularly smart or selective, but is generally good quality and small (about 600 pupils). It is calm, friendly and well organised (lots of ex-army staff). I'm a single mum so a big stretch for me, but my DS is happy and engaged. He was bored at primary school. Plenty of families stretch to attend his school so no worries about rich classmates and feeling poor.

I visited all the schools. The big state school was impersonal and felt 'off'. Good sports facilities but their maths GCSE pass rate for boys was 41% which is poor. It seemed chaotic and at the end of one taster day they turned 400 10yos loose without any of them knowing where they were going, couldn't find their lifts home etc. Three years later it has just been put in special measures.

The smaller state school - they couldn't provide a french teacher for years 7-9. They offered German as a MFL or nothing. And they didn't have a library. 😯 My DS reads constantly.

I'd say visit the schools on offer, arrange taster days for your child, and go with your and her instinct. If you can afford it, forget how they are funded and choose on what will suit your child best.

On the financial side, I would worry about relying on a regular income from your parents. Where is the money coming from, is it guaranteed, what if one of them can't work or needs care? And also, five years ago I would not have been so worried about this but we have rising inflation now and school fees typically run ahead of inflation, will your parents income or reserves keep up? Will your own income keep up?

the most important thing is for the child to be at school.

Are you saying that your DD is likely to refuse to go to school? Does she have issues that need an especially nurturing environment? If so then that's where I would start from, making sure she has support and understanding wherever she goes.

That aside, I wouldn't worry about petty rules unless your DD tends to be either defiant or unusually anxious. Insisting everyone sticks to convention can maintain a calm atmosphere which is often good for quieter or more nervous children. I would worry more about what happens when a child has real difficulties. How do they support kids with ADD who wont remember their jotters without help? What are they like over bullying? "Strict but kind" is probably the vibe you want.

Gang issues are also a serious concern but what matters is how big the problem really is, how the school deals with it and whether most of the children feel safe.

You haven't said, where do your DD's friends expect to go? We got suckered because I thought it was an even split but it turned out all DS's primary school friend circle ended up at the local private school. We could have afforded private but chose (very excellent and well matched to DSs needs) state, and DS had a rough couple of years til he found his own circle. It turned out well for him in the end but if I'd known he'd have no-one I would probably have ponied up for private.

I completely agree. Most of the parents at the private schools I went to and work at have normal houses and normal jobs like administrators, teachers, taxi drivers, etc. Many kids wear tatty uniforms and go on UK holidays. Yes we have one child of an MP and some children of doctors and lawyers, but they don’t typically have millionaire lifestyles.

My secondary education was at the local private school. It was massively focused on discipline - strong uniform rules (no make up, nail polish, wear your tie, top button done up etc) - I was once told off for wearing a pink bra. Marked if you broke uniform rules and after a couple of warnings you were on detention.

Strict homework rules too, expected to have completed homework, you needed a note from a parent explaining why (and it had to big family circumstances), depending on the lenecy of the teacher you might get a free pass if its a one off, repeat offenders had to stay in at lunch time.

It’s not just the discipline issue that matters - what are both school’s results like? You send your child to school to get an education - that has to be the primary concern.

If the state school gets better results then that is a major win. A lot of local independent day schools aren’t actually that good. The only private schools I’d ever consider are the top public schools, but we can’t afford it and DH is dead against it anyway.

If you don’t like your local state schools are there others near you?

Yabu. Nowhere have you mentioned where your dd wants to go. Presumably sgws done the taster days at the comp, has in her head that she going there?

honestly, is it a status thing? My in'laws only have two grand kids - our two! They offered private school from 4-18 years and we said no, it's now in trust for the kids!

We said no because in our situation, we did not feel it represented a good use of a resource (capital ££), our local schools are fine and we support our children at home. The local independent school didn't get massively better results and isn't a "top tier" school - very ordinary local people send their kids there.

The private school further away (in my opinion more prestigious, well known and "famous" alumni) was a 24 mile trip one-way and school bus left at 7.30 am. Transport costs added up for two kids!!

What is better about the private school and why do you think a state school is not a good fit?

Doesn't sound like it's very affordable and will both children be given the same opportunity? Can you affords ski trips, the extra expenses: sports clubs, trips to Europe, music lessons and can you also save for their future uni, deposit on first home etc

What is your DDs personality - is she resilient, sensitive, does she tend to get on well/mix well? is she good academically without too much pushing? Is she strong, determined etc?

Our eldest is going to a state secondary and it is regarded as fine locally, there is another less popular and another one very popular (get a few % better GSCE results,. all three high schools are OFSTED good. All three have a massive focus on building up life skills, team working, doing presentations in lessons in front of peers etc.

Is it really worth it the money and what are you really expecting from school? Honestly, is it connections and better environment?

Have you researched the private school? Is it good and suitable for your daughter? There are good and bad private schools and it's very important to find one that fits you

In general I would always pick a good private school over a good state school.

However it doesn't sound like you can afford private school. Your parents are willing to pay now, but what about in the future? Private school fees increase yearly and it would be a shame if at some point it is no longer palatable. You also have to make provision for your younger child.

Actually, school pick up bus was a 7.10 am but would have had to leave house 7.00 to get to collection point!