A night out

[Laurens96]

I want to say sorry in advance as this is probably a long post.
I feel a bit of background info is needed first. Im a mom to two two year old twins girls and i gave birth to my 3rd little girl 10 weeks ago. I quit my job before i gave birth to my baby so im a stay at home mom. I have my gorls 24/7 as i do everything i need to while having them with me.
My partner works monday till friday 2pm till 10pm. He doesnt get up in the morning till 11am and has to leave at 1pm then doesnt get home till 11pm so i do ask him to do the night feeds (which he moans about after being at work all day since i dont work).
I havent been for a night out since i was trying to get pregnant the first time so its been 3 years now. My best friend of 12 years has been amazing since i became a mom. She comes on day trips with me to take the kids out so i have some help since my partner works. She also comes over twice a week and helps with the kids and once theyre in bed with have movie nights.
Shes asked if i can go out drinking for her birthday next month and arranged it for a saturday knowing my partner doesnt work weekends so he is home to have the kids.
I mentioned it to my partner and also said i havent been for a night out in 3 years due to be pregnant and having the kids. I said id like to go because its been so long and im always in mommy mode and cleaning the house (again my job since i dont work he doesnt help around the house).
He said i shouldnt go because he works all week and does the night feed for the baby (she sleeps from 11pm till 6am). He said its not fair to leave him with 5 kids (he has an 11 year old and 12 year old from a previous marriage) on a saturday night. He also said it wouldnt be fair if i got so drunk while out i get a hangover sunday and cant help with the kids or house and cook sunday dinner like i usually do.
He goes out twice a month with his friend and gets so drunk hes hungover for days. He said because i go to the cimema once a month that im not always in mommy mode. But when i go the cinema he doesnt have our 3 girls my mom has them for me.
I just dont think im being as unreasonable for wanting 1 drunken night for the first time in 3 years as hes making out i am.
Thank you for taking the time to read x

YANBU

He shouldn't have had 5 kids if he can't look after them all

You’re not being unreasonable.
Unfortunately you’ve had 3 children with a useless fucking waster.

Yanbu.

Go out and make a weekend of it.

Don't come back till the Monday.

Make it a twice monthly thing too

I haven't voted in the poll as of course YANBU to want to go out with your friend as a one off,
BUT
YABU in SO many other ways.

Why on earth is he going out twice a month and you never?
Why does he do no night wakings?
Why does he do no housework ?
Why does he think it is okay for you to have 3 years of broken sleep and then get up and look after two babies, then 2 toddlers and a baby all day with no support ?
Why isn't he getting up until 11am ?
Why has he had 5 dc if he can't look after them for one weekend (even putting aside the logic that an 11 and 12 yr old would probably be quite helpful as a novelty thing of looking after little ones)
Why are you asking permission / does he decide whether you get to go out or not ?
Why doesn't he do anything at weekends?
Why doesn't he get his backside out of bed say at 8am (giving him an hour after getting in, to have something to eat, maybe a shower and be asleep at midnight then still have had 8 hours - which I presume is a darn sight more than you are having.

I could go on, but you get the gist - why are you living like this ???

So it's fine for him to have a night out, but it's not acceptable for you? Absolute double standard here.

He gets a lot more sleep then i do. With having 2 2 year olds and a newborn i get most of the houswork done late at night/early morning while my twins are asleep as they dont nap during the day even to theyre still only 2.
He seems to think because i dont work hes the one thqt needs a full nights sleep as im at home and he has to work. Hes said i have plenty of time to keep the house clean since i dont work anymore so im home all day every day.
He cant even seem to manage the hour i go shopping on a sarurday anymore saying my twins want him to play but tge babys crying for her bottle and bus older 2 are wanting him to tale them out while the weathers nice.
Weve had a few problems around the last 6 weeks with things hes done which my friend knows about so he seems to be convinced hes going to be talked about while im out to.
He goes out as he pleases because its jusg assumed since im home and i have the kids while hes at work ill manage while hes out to x

Hes said i have plenty of time to keep the house clean since i dont work anymore so im home all day every day.

He cant even seem to manage the hour i go shopping on a sarurday anymore saying my twins want him to play but tge babys crying for her bottle

So, how does he tie up these 2 statements ?
The fact that he can't even 'exist with' his children for 1 hour vs the fact that he thinks you can not only entertain and look after them 24 / 7, but that you should also be able to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and everything else involved in running a house ?

Sorry hun but you are in a controlling abusive relationship

He says. But he isn't god, is he?

He cant have it both ways...he gets all the sleep, he doesnt have to do any housework, because looking after 3 kids under 3 is so easy...

But looking after 3 kids under 3 is so hard that he can't manage one evening by himself.

It's either hard and he should be pulling his weight fully when he is home, including recognising that with kids of hat age there is no way you can do housework on top so he should do his share...or it's easy so he should be fine with you going out.

A lot of people would find working outside the home easier than looking after kids of those ages, I know I did

Let's face it the teens wont need much looking after.

I'd also remind him if you split he would have them on his own a lot more. I hope you go out, your friend sounds really supportive and I do think you need this

Controlling abusive wanker springs to mind. Go out and have fun, you don't need his permission.

I hope you go out

Have a brilliant night when you go out. He will cope. He will have to take care of all his children.

Turn his 2 nights out per month into one night each..or you yourself take 2 other nights per month to match his.

Housewife or working person..makes no difference to the downtime we all need. Take yours. Dont feel bad for it.

The old saying " What's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander" seems appropriate here. Hope you enjoy your night out!

I love my kids to bits and I wouldn't change having them for anything but I will admit it's hard with 2 toddlers and a newborn and keeping on top of the cleaning aswell. Especially on days like today when they're all cranky and whinging because the weathers to warm for them.
I'm currently neglecting the cleaning in favour of sitting with my twins in front of the fans in the living room with ice cream and a disney film trying to cool them down now I've finally got the baby to nap.
My friends coming up straight from work today with a take away and to help with the cranky kids even tho she doesn't normally come up till tomorrow.
I've told my partner I'll be going out next month and I'm currently getting the silent treatment but my friends told me to just ignore him as I more then deserve it especially when up until around 4 months ago I was working at 34 weeks pregnant on top of everything else I do with the kids and in the house.
I've mentioned everything getting on top of me to my dad as I'm closer to him then my mom. He's told me if I ever need to I can go back to my parents for a few days and him and my mom will watch the kids while I have a bit of down time because he remembers how hard my mom worked when we were younger even tho he took over with us and the cleaning once he was home x

up until around 4 months ago I was working at 34 weeks pregnant on top of everything else I do with the kids and in the house.

What's your plan for getting back to work?
Because I think you need to accelerate it.
Your partner is controlling, abusive, & simultaneously neglectful & domineering.
He treats you like a household appliance & you are seeking his permission to have a normal night out. That is outrageous.

You get more domestic & emotional support from your friend than the father of your children. Your dad is more committed to your wellbeing that is the father of your children.
You need independence from him. Get your career back on track asap & start planning your exit, because men like him never improve. He is a misogynistic arsehole who treats you like shit & thinks you are there to wait on him. He is trying to stop you even having ONE night off FFS! Can you see how unbearably controlling & wrong this is? he treats you as his personal slave.

What is your friend's living situation? You'd be better off sharing with her than struggling along in your curtailed existence with this dickwad. If that's not possible, at least take your dad up on his offer of a few days respite. A few days to rest up, & not be overwhelmed by sole childcare & house-drudgery will clear your mind. And you need to clear it - this man has ground you down into a woman who is living like Cinderella.

Op, honestly he is awful. He is truly awful. You should make a plan to leave. Maybe nor immediately. But do not let him wear you down so much you start thinking this is normal life and this is a normal relationship.

Sounds like he needs more practice looking after all the kids at the same time so you should go out more

He’s taking the absolute P. No way is this fair. Oh you might not be well enough to cook Sunday dinner for everyone? Omg I feel like coming round to your house and thumping him one myself. Don’t put up with this.

I did go out and I definitely wasn't upto cooking a Sunday dinner for everyone. I did still get up with the children on the morning but my stepdaughter did everyone toast for breakfast bless her. I cant remember what happened dinner time but tea ended up being chips and fishfingers instead of the usual Sunday roast we have.
He literally only has all 5 children aline for an hour on a Saturday while I do shopping and even then I can't a lot of texts asking how long I'm going to be as he just doesn't cope

so switch your phone off when you go shopping. He can cope. He just doesnt think he should have to. He thinks that is your job as the woman.