About to marry and unsure, please help.

[Isitmeorisithim]

I’m due to get married in two months. We already have two children who are very small and have been together for quite a long time. I am very worried that I have made a big mistake and should not be marrying him. I would describe him as someone who has no initiative and when we are at home with the kids he has to be told every single aspect of what to do with them, and have really obvious things pointed out to him ‘keep an eye on them in the paddling pool/make sure she is in the shade etc’. I don’t get why I’m having to constantly highlight basic common sense all of the time. He has a very angry streak and loses his temper about things with me so quickly, and I find the way he is when he’s like that just so off putting. He is unable to disagree in an adult way - just have a discussion and not see eye to eye but resolve it through talking etc. He isn’t capable of that. He is the least romantic person I have ever met and no matter how many times I suggest that this makes me unhappy and things he can do, nothing changes. He is ALWAYS tired, and fairly frequently miserable due to said tiredness. I’ve been tired for years now with the kids but I like to be upbeat. I think he probably wouldn’t bother someone else but I’m worried we’re becoming more incompatible by the day. The thing is, it’s also often absolutely fine - there seems to be a pattern of a few weeks good, one week bad and repeat. I have sat tonight just thinking am I turning a blind eye to the inevitable but the truth is I have no desire to share the kids or to ever not have them with me in the time they are not at nursery/school. I actually just can’t imagine a scenario in which I would cope with/come to terms with that and manage it. Has anyone felt the same? Maybe it’s all me, I’m far from perfect but I do feel deflated by the way he is. Can anyone help?

Gosh no you definitely shouldn't be getting married. Unless he owns the house you live in, in which case you should marry him, then divorce him swiftly and take half the equity.

What’s your housing situation? Work? Money etc

I don't even like suggesting this, but the only reason to marry this man would be if you are financially vulnerable. Do you work? Do you earn enough to support yourself and the kids? Who owns the home?

Quite…

What I would do OP is pull all your financial info, find out if you are better of married or unmarried if you were to split and proceed accordingly.

It sounds like you would be doing all the childcare, so you want to get what support from him you can.

This man is not a keeper

.. I mean go see a solicitor and find out. quietly

It doesn't sound like getting married in the near future is going to be a good idea for you, given how you've described the relationship.
You've been together a long time, but it sounds like you're stuck with a sunk cost fallacy here.

Oh that's so sad to read OP.

Honestly - do you think he'll change? Do you think he'll get better? If not, you're marrying him, and in 10 years time when he's the same (or worse!) and you've had ten years of misery, you might regret the choice you made.

What would you tell a friend to do in this position? I'd tell them to leave him personally.

It all depends on money, if you’re going to walk out with I bigger pot For you and the children then definitely marry and go through the whole charade, if not then stay where you are. You need to think with your brain at this point and not let yourselves get driven by romantic emotions. Be pragmatic because this doesn’t look very long term.

It’s a joint house. We pay everything equally and we paid an equal deposit. I work so I am okay. He really loves his children and is a good dad in a lot of respects if I am being fair, but he lacks oomph and initiative and it does my head in.

The answer to your question will be one based on practicality now and not love. Who owns the house? What do your finances look like etc?

Yes, think about what a friend would say, and also think of the effect on your kids growing up around this.

He has a very angry streak and loses his temper about things with me so quickly

Get your ducks in a row, work out how to proceed for a best case scenario financially and set off in that direction. I know it feels just unthinkable to be apart from your children if you split up, but it would be worse to save yourself from those difficult feelings, only to let your kids watch this sh*tshow of a loveless marriage for the rest of their childhoods, to go out and replicate it for themselves.

Cross-post. Then a split would leave you pretty much where you started as an equal payor but less time with the children. Having said that, women often overestimate the reality of co-parenting. The amount of men who say they'll take you to court for full 50/50 access versus the actual amount of men who go through with it is really a stat to behold.

Difficult. I think it slightly depends on whether you want to split up now or later. If you don't get married then realistically you'll be splitting up now. If you do get married then for myself i would say it's for the sake of the kids, stability, a family, but in reality it sounds life you'll be getting divorced down the line. I guess you couldn't imagine a life with him if it wasn't for the kids. So what age is it better for them if you split up. It would be extremely sad thinking 'I'll be 50' by then or whatever it is.

My advice is not good advice though. Its just how it would go through my head. Then someone on mumsnet would give me whatfor, I'm sure.

Good dad's don't need reminded to stop their kid from drowning op... Stop lying to yourself.