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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just trying to process how bad this is...

21 replies

plonkers · 17/07/2022 20:50

My marriage is over. ExH claims he is having a mental breakdown.

I have an extremely close relationship with my step daughter. She is 16. I have told her that as along as she wants me, I'll always be in her life and always be here for her. We see each other quite regularly, going shopping, out for lunch etc. She has asked me to accompany her when she gets her exam results along with her mum. Also have a lovely relationship with her mum, not that it's relevant.

Her dad has called her twice this week ordering that she has nothing to do with me. Telling her that I am nasty and she's not to see me anymore. He's also told her all his mental health problems and has basically ranted and raved at her down the phone. She's 16.

I know this from speaking to her mum. I'm going to let the dust settle before I speak to her. She's really a part of my family and I don't want to lose her. Her mum says my step daughter doesn't believe anything her dad has told her thankfully.

Or do I just let her go?

OP posts:

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 17/07/2022 20:53

Why would you let him damage another relationship? If her dm supports you staying around why not? He def doesn't get to decide.

RomeoMcFlourish · 17/07/2022 20:53

I wouldn’t stop speaking to or seeing her. She clearly values the relationship she has with you, as does her Mum.

Your ex is just throwing his toys out of the pram and trying to control everyone else, whilst blaming it on mental health problems. Call him out on his bullshit and don’t let him control what you do anymore! Sounds like it’s a lucky thing you’re getting free from him.

rahjama · 17/07/2022 20:54

That must be awful for you both. How long were you with him for? Presumably you have known and helped raise her for a long time. Cutting someone off just like that is not easy and neither of you should be forced to do it.

Calling his daughter and ranting about his mental health blaming you isn't on. She's a child, doesn't need to be burdened with that. That's so manipulative, she will feel guilty for staying in contact with you when you are a positive role model.

I hope it works out OP.

Original poster

plonkers · 17/07/2022 20:55

I just don't want to make things worse for her. She's quite damaged from her dad but she loves him dearly

OP posts:

WarriorN · 17/07/2022 20:55

I think if she's 16 she can choose to see you? I'm not sure though.

Personally I would let her know you're always there for her but you may need to back off as you don't want to enflame the situation? At the same time he shouldn't be seen to be controlling her relationships. He's making it all a lot worse for his relationship with her.

It's good you're on good terms with the mother.

A friend's daughter in a slightly similar situation saw through her dad, saw how he treated her mother and younger sister and has now cut all contact with him.

Soggycrisps · 17/07/2022 20:56

You've already told her that you are going to be there for her. Please don't go back on your word.

How are you feeling about the end of the relationship with her ex?

WarriorN · 17/07/2022 20:57

*Back off temporarily. Not longer term

Though I feel that's giving into a bully

Original poster

plonkers · 17/07/2022 20:57

rahjama · 17/07/2022 20:54

I hope it works out OP.

This is exactly it. I don't want her to feel that at all. She's so sensitive as it is and doesn't deal with pressure/stress well at all. I don't want her carrying this with her but equally I'd love her to stay in my life

OP posts:

WarriorN · 17/07/2022 20:58

plonkers · 17/07/2022 20:55

I just don't want to make things worse for her. She's quite damaged from her dad but she loves him dearly

You need to be there for her then. She can't see how his damaging behaviour pushes you away too.

She will eventually start to cut ties with him but it will be painful.

WarriorN · 17/07/2022 21:02

Is there a way to let her know that you need to let some dust settle at the moment but you are there for her?

Could you ask her to look after some sort of prized possession until he's calmed down and the storm has passed?

She's around an age where she chooses who she will have connections with and also starting to place boundaries.

Original poster

plonkers · 17/07/2022 21:10

I can maybe send her a text just to say I'm still here for her or maybe send her mum a text and ask her to read it to her on my behalf. I don't want to go against anything her mum wouldn't agree with either

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/07/2022 21:37

Of course you don’t let her go. You don’t divorce kids.

Just crack on and ignore your ex. At 16 he cannot prevent her from seeing anyone.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/07/2022 21:41

You back off if she and her Mum ask you to.

The ball needs to be in their court here, so if they want to continue a relationship with you, you do that, you can't tell her you'll be there for her then back off making decisions for her, without her. That would absolutely double down on the damage her father is causing her!

Original poster

plonkers · 17/07/2022 21:43

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/07/2022 21:41

You back off if she and her Mum ask you to.

Oh I know that. I told her I'd always be there for her etc before her dad rang her telling her that I need to be out of her life. This was all before.

I will never walk out of her life unless she wants me too. I just don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:

Original poster

plonkers · 17/07/2022 21:44

I'm just absolutely heartbroken that he would use his own child as a weapon to try break me.

OP posts:

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 17/07/2022 22:15

Speak to her mum, ask her what she thinks is best for you right now. Either she'll tell you to be as present as you are already and to ignore your ex or she'll ask you to step back for a moment but be there when your SD needs you.

Mariposista · 17/07/2022 22:25

What a horrible man - MH or not, he has no place spreading rubbish to his daughter about you. At 16 she is old enough to make up her own mind about who she has in her life. It's lovely that you share such a close bond and also get on with her mother. Don't stop seeing her, she has obviously been let down enough by him, she will need loving people like you and her mum around.

ThinWomansBrain · 17/07/2022 22:31

Let her know that you're there for her, you unserstand if she wants a break until her father has calmed down a bit - that's entirely up to her - and if she does decide that now, you'll still be there in the future if she'd like to get in touch.
Make sure her DM is clear too - in case she is upset and takes away the wrong message; could the three of you meet for a coffee & a chat? - or discuss it with her mum first?

WarriorN · 18/07/2022 06:09

I wonder if her mum had a similar experience with this man?

JustHarriet · 18/07/2022 06:29

That a parent would try to isolate their child from adults who care is a big red flag so she needs you even more to remain in her life. Be sensible with how you do it, but whatever you do, do not allow this father to isolate his daughter.

Iamthejobseeker · 18/07/2022 06:35

I would text her/her mum and tell her you want to be a part of dsd's life, and nothing her dad can say would change how much you care about her but you're leaving the ball in dsds court if she wants to let the dust settle.

But how would he even know you're spending time with her?

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