Should all be forgiven when someone dies?

[Windypants21]

I've had a few instances over the last few years where I've had to go to a funeral/wakes but due to family dynamics I've been friendly with some and not others within that family.

Eg i was very friendly with 2 sisters, lets call them Mary and Mungo. There was also an older sister who I never liked but was polite to, out of necessity, she is Midge. The 2 younger sisters Mary and Mungo fell out years ago and I became a casualty of this with Mungo for no real discernible reason but i remained very good friends with Mary. I did try to ring Mungo for a significant birthday after this, but never got a reply.

So when their father passed away a few years ago, at his funeral/wake, rightly or wrongly, I avoided Mungo as she had blown me out years before, and i thought , well if i meant so little then it wont matter if i dont greet her now. There also had been alot of bad blood since between her and Mary and I was disgusted at some of Mungos actions.

More recently Mary had also fallen out with her older sister Midge. So at the wake when i approached Midge to offer my condolences, she flinched and withdrew when i went to give her a hug. In the ensuing days Midge totally stopped speaking to me. Honestly I didnt care about that because I had never liked her, she was/is a nasty nasty person, very self absorbed and she had always treated my friend very badly.

But, in all honesty, despite how Mungo had treated me I always have thought I should have just politely shook her hand and moved on, but i didnt want to give her another opportunity to ignore or be rude to me again, possibly similarly to how her older sister treated me. At the same event another friend of Mary's and I approached Mungo and she was VERY STANDOFFISH with her.

Because it may seem that Mary was the one to fall out with everyone, this was very much not the case, it was only when she started standing up for herself she fell out with her older sister. Midge and Mungo NEVER got on and were always fighting. The family dynamic was always very strained between them all.

So that l'm not drip feeding there is a muckier side to this whole story and it would be outing to explain the dynamics within the family and relationships so ive kept it as superficial as i can.

What is the proper etiquette here, was I completely unreasonable or not ? How to others handle this ?

I don’t think it should, just because someone dies, does not make the wrongs go away

I aim for civility during a time of family grief. I would have said hello and condolences but not tried to hug Midge.

Th etiquette is to follow convention, politely greet everyone, and take your lead from the bereaved. If the bereaved come in for a hug, hug back. If they appear to be avoiding them, allow it.

Funerals are not the place to resolve damaged relationships.

I think you need to leave your feelings out of it. Their family bereavement isn't about you. You're supposed to be there to support them. If you can't do that sincerely, don't go.

You should be civil at these times but as a PP said, take your lead from them and don't force it. I don't think you necessarily have to forget everything just because there was a death. I had a relative who used to exploit deaths to try to guilt people into pretending the shitty things he'd done hadn't happened or didn't matter, so he wouldn't have to make good and they were now the bad guys if they didn't just act like nothing had happened. This may be how the villains of your story feel. We don't know what happened.

How many people die in your family frequently that you have to attend all these funerals?
Honestly, I would just stay away from this lot. No good will ever come out of this. Whenever they have a spat, they probably expect you to pick a side. And when you pick a side you’ll piss off someone else in the process. No thanks!
Only attend these event if it is really necessary, stay for as short as possible then leave. Don’t get huggy and emotional with them.

Thanks for the replies. This particular family have lost elderly parents and a sibling within the last 4 years. As I'm so close to Mary, we've been friends since childhood, the funerals werent something I could avoid. ( We are early 60s now) Believe me when I say if I could have avoided them all, I would have. The internal family dynamic has never been good , but the last 6 years have been particularly bad. Due to my close friendship with Mary as the siblings have fallen out with each other I have become a casualty of this by association, so they have stopped 'speaking' to me. Laughable really, and honestly no real loss to me. It's just these situations where social convention suggests we do the 'right thing' despite the liklihood you will be rebuffed in doing so.

Monoprix... this made me lol...I can assure you...huggy and emotional this particular family are renowned for.

...NOT renowned for !!