Friend’s personality has completely changed

[Jessiejamescoffee]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet! Friend is recently single and has started spending a lot of time with her cousin (who is 9 years younger than her) - I’ll call the cousin Stacey for ease!

I’m really not a fan of Stacey, she’s been awful to DF in the past but as she’s her family it’s none of my business, if DF is happy to move on and forget the past then that’s fine, happy to support her either way!

They’re spending lots of time together, culminating in Stacey intruding on the majority of mine and DF’s time together, such as nights out, meals etc. I’ve cancelled on DF quite a few times because of this, saying things like “I was looking forward to spending some one on one time together! We’ll meet up soon!”.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that DF is taking on a lot of Stacey’s personality traits, and has started to act a lot like her. From the way she speaks, to how she messages (she sends tons of voice notes now when she used to hate them). She’s doing stuff on social media that she’s never done before that Stacey always do, such as asking her friends/followers to send her questions that she’ll answer, almost a Q&A type of thing?!

I’m worried that I’m starting to not like my DF as she’s morphing into Stacey. What do I do? I’m not sociable and much prefer to have 1 or 2 close friendships rather than a lot of causal friendships. She’s my closest friend so if I lose her I won’t really have anyone. I feel like I can’t tell her how I feel either as it’ll look like I’m just being jealous and awkward - although I probably am most definitely jealous, it’s not just me that has noticed the shift.

Can you invite her to your house and make it clear that Stacey isn’t invited?

How old are you?

People grow and change. People get influenced by others and change their ways, then change back (sometimes).

Why are you still holding past things Stacey has done to your DF against her, if DF has forgiven/forgotten?

Yes - ask her to come to your house, or to
do something that requires tickets and can’t accommodate another person easily? I also think it’s fine, if the right context comes up, to say casually “Stacey’s not my cup of tea”. I don’t mean slagging her off - just in a “it’s a big world and not everyone is for everyone and she’s not my sort of person” way to get the point across.

You can't really do anything..but it's sad.
Your friend just isn't being that true to herself but trying to win more friends/ followers. She might have low self esteem.

You've made it clear not to bring Stacey but she still is. So I'd cool if off for a while.

I have previously had DF and others round mine for a night in, and Stacey came (wasn’t originally planned). DF was messaging her and said something along the lines of “oh Stacey said she’s driving in the area and she’s bored haha”, “Stacey wants to see us, what is she like”. I did end up saying that Stacey could pop round as I can take a hint, and didn’t want to be awkward!

we’re in our 30s and Stacey is early 20s, so I don’t really have anything in common with her apart from DF. I don’t think it’s a case of haven’t forgiven her, it’s more that I’m a bit weary of her now. DF watches what she says to Stacey as she’s prone to outbursts and can kick off at the slightest thing. Overall I just think Stacey isn’t a nice person, for example recently someone local passed away, she was sending DF messages along the lines of “who cares, people die every day” but then posted on social media how sad it was - DF sent me screenshots of these.

I think if I tell DF that Stacey isn’t my cup of tea she’ll take it badly, as she’s family and currently Stacey can do no wrong in her eyes.

My friend did this after her marriage broke down. I think sometimes people who have been in long relationships struggle to find their new identity and so revert back to when they were single and happy (late teens, early twenties) and try to replicate that.
It won't last. My friend is now somewhere between who she was when she was married and who she was just after the split and it's the best of both worlds. You just need to give her time to work out who she is. She'll get bored of the Stacey world of influencing.

Yanbu

Invite DFriend round and tell her 'No Stacey this time at all, it's just us'

If Stacey tries to muscle in just say No Stacey isn't invited and she is not allowed round here

Talk to her that Stacey is taking over her life, that it's good for her to have different friends and that you don't all have to be together all the time

Remind her that Stacey shouldn't be demanding to come along to everything as DF is allowed friends without her..

My BF holds a lot of things against me about how I’ve changed. She erupted at me once and it all came out.

Mostly they are things that she doesn’t understand. How do I know about films and books and music, HOW do I know, did i decide to like them and just start liking them! Why do I like x,y,z! I didn’t like them at school!

People change drastically over the course of their lives and I have been slightly wary of her around certain topics ever since. She wants me to stay the same person I was when I was 12, or be exactly like her. I can’t and won’t. I’d do my best not to voice this to your friend and accept people change and we can’t stop them. It’s frustrating for you I know but maybe try and focus less on how she’s changing and more on yourself.

People change. They don’t have to stay the same just to please you.

Your whole post is all about you and what you want from your friend - but she’s a person in her own right. She’s not just there to fulfil a need for you that meets your specifications. It sounds like your relationship with your friend is, on your side, quite intense and at times you sound like almost like a jealous girlfriend. I think you just need to accept that people, and friendships, naturally change, and that this is normal and something you have to live with.