Mum discussing problems with dad with me

[Heyuptaterash]

Do your parents do this?
My mum has been coming to me with problems she has with my dad for a few years now. She tells me really upsetting things he does or how he feels (has had some mental health issues etc and ageing) I feel like I take it all on board and worry endlessly about it.
I try hard to be supportive but it’s really hard to hear, I’m pregnant at the moment and feel my stress levels rising. We never talk about how I feel/worry about anything, it’s always her side.
Do you think it’s right to do this? Do your parents? (Dad never comes to me about things-ever)

Only my family 🙈

I would find this really difficult. She obviously sees you as a friend as well as daughter, but this is not appropriate, it’s the kind of thing she needs a separate friend for!

just tell her you’re not comfortable with her talking to you about xyz as it’s affecting your relationship with your dad, so could she vent to someone else. Unless it’s serious stuff and she’s looking for your advice or blessing to leave him, in which case you could be a bit more supportive. But if it’s just regular relationship moans, tell her to talk to her friends about it.

My mum does this. She tells me the awful things he’s done …
she tells me about his illnesses and that he refuses to see the doctor about.. she tells me how worried she is about it all..
they say a problem shared is a problem halved. And jr is, cos half of the stress is piled on me!

wish I had some advice for you x

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair This is the thing, it worries me a lot of the time and I worry if she’s ok and him and I’m not sure it’s really my business 🤷🏻‍♀️Does it sound selfish that I’d prefer not to know. She doesn’t take these problems to my sister, only me

@Serialcatmum That’s exactly it 😞it was hard before, but now being pregnant, I just feel it’s not right to stress me out like this? Is it fair? She knows I’m a sensitive person who will worry. I understand she needs to get it off her chest but 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t go to her about my Dh and this is worse as it’s my dad

Yeah all the time. Just try to be neutral when hearing it. But just listen to her. That's all she wants. If it's bothering you so much can you change the conversation??

Again, I wish I had some constructive advice. My mother spent decades telling me how awful my father was.

I think as people age this becomes more and more common. You are an adult now, your mum sees you as an equal and not a child to be protected from the more difficult things in life.
As an adult child I think it’s fairly common to become more aware and involved with our parents issues, especially health issues. As our parents become more frail they look to us for support and guidance as to how to ‘fix’ it.
I disagree that this is inappropriate. It does depend a little on their ages and also what their issues are. But in my experience, past a certain age, family is who can be relied upon. Younger family. Friends of their own age have all the same problems, they are ageing and becoming more frail. They haven’t got the resources or capability to support others.

@Smartiepants79 i understand and I try my best to be supportive, but it also worries the hell out of me and is upsetting. It can also make me angry at him if he’s been wrong in the things he’s doing or upsetting my mum, it’s really hard

my mum did this - always telling me details of dads health issues that I really didn't want to know. but I also knew that she needed to be able to share things and offload what was on her mind, and I was the only person available to listen. So I would listen with half an ear and just let her talk. And after the phone call was done, I'd try to take a deep breath and remind myself that this was about helping mum, not about fixing anything.

it is not easy but you probably are helping your mum just by listening.

Adulting is hard.
Life is sometimes stressful.
Only you can really judge if your mother is over sharing unnecessarily or in desperate need of someone to talk to. Does she have anyone else?
I do understand as I find this kind of conversation with my mother difficult and anxiety causing but it doesn’t really mean I get to stick my fingers in my ears and pretend everything is ok and leave her to flounder about on her own.
It does also depend on your long term relationship with her.
My mother was a fantastic parent who worked bloody hard to bring me up well and continues to support me at every turn. Because of this it is important to me to be there for her even when it’s upsetting and stressful.

I think you’re being unreasonable. You’re not a child. You sound like you’re being a bit precious tbh, wanting to be protected from the reality. Ignorance might be bliss but it sounds like your mum needs somebody to vent to a bit and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to talk to you about it.

Do you think maybe she wants to leave him but needs your ‘permission’?

Well I don’t want to know that my dad is going deaf and his memory is a bit dodgy but it’s happening anyway.
Sadly ageing means we have to confront the frailty and mortality of those we love along with our own. It’s uncomfortable but pointless to ignore it.

She's not a child, but she is her mother's child, and the person her mother is complaining about is the op's father, not some random person she can remind neutral about. It is totally inappropriate to vent to your children about your marital issues, no matter how old your children are. Get a therapist or get a solicitor.

@Aquamarine1029 See this is it, subconsciously I can see it’s made me cross with him over the years and he’d have no idea of that or hasn’t been given a chance to put his own side across. I just don’t think I’d complain about my dcs dad to them, if I could help it anyway

@HeddaGarbled No I don’t think so…she said a couple of years ago during a conversation ‘Well, I couldn’t leave him’
Just really upsetting to hear these things and to think of her upset. Dh says it’s upsetting but they’re adults and she shouldn’t be coming to me

I've been married 25+ years, and I have never vented to my now adult children about their dad. It's just not fair to them. It's basically asking your kids to pick sides.

My mother used to do it, and kind of use ia blackmail to stop me from leaving home.
Didn't work.

My mum and dad both do this - separately - about each other. Then when I get annoyed and say they need to bang their heads together I'm the bad one.

Best thing is to just ignore and divert. Change the subject.

My mum complained about my dad all the time. I hated it. As soon as I was deemed old enough to confide in (about 14 or 15), I had to listen to an endless list of woes. She only stopped when he died. Then she developed Alzheimer's and started saying what a great husband he had been. I'm not saying she didn't have plenty to complain about, but he was my dad and I didn't want to take sides. Every single time he wasn't around she started. It definitely affected my relationship with her.

There is a difference between complaining about relationship issues that are caused by personality traits and issues to do with health and welfare.

My parents both used to vent to me about each other, lots of things I didn't need or want to hear - they've had a difficult marriage. God only knows how they've lasted over 60 years, but they have. I've had the complaining about each other stuff most of my life.

It's only in recent years I've been able to tell them that it's not appropriate to do this, I don't want to hear it, and I'm not going to take sides.

I've put up boundaries and it's actually worked as they no longer do it.

OP both my parents did this, my view was they spent nearly 24 hours a day together and so needed to have an outlet. I actually was quite detached about it and basically just mmm’d and ah’d my way through the conversation not giving an opinion. If they were being really unfair I politely pushed back with a bit of sense of humour so the6 laughed but got the point. I never took their problems on. Neither of them nor my sister knew I did this for them.

@DramaAlpaca Thats how it was for me. My parents had (to an observer who had to live in the middle of it) an awful marriage. They should have gone for relationship counselling but instead both complained to me about the other. That’s not a burden that any child should carry.

@Smartiepants79 Exactly, although for me the two overlapped, as one of my parents complained about the other’s health problems, apparently believing they were doing it deliberately, to spite them.