To not know wtf to do about DD’s mean girl friendships

[TopOfATree]

Namechanged regular because of identifying detail, and in AIBU for traffic. I’m thick-skinned so I won’t mind if you give it to me straight.

DD is 12 and has been friends with a core group of girls for a long time, since start of primary school. There have been the usual fallouts and ganging up and regrouping etc and I know that happens. But it seems to be getting more serious. DD gets upset and from what I can tell she is being bullied by one in particular who gangs upon her with the others. But this girl also seems to want DD as a friend, to come round, go shopping etc. but then when they’re in a group she’s vile.

Disclaimer - I realise DD may not be telling me the whole truth or may misrepresent things - but this is what I can gather. DD can be difficult and stroppy but we’re quite close and she will talk to me and doesn’t seem to be making it up, but I realise I can’t be 100% sure. She’s also quite anxious, emotional and not very confident despite me trying my best to support and encourage.

we’re in scotland so it’s already the summer holidays.

DD is currently staying at another friend’s (B) with this girl (A) for a few nights (a plan they’ve had for a while and all arranged). She has told me (mainly by text) that they went shopping (she had money saved) and A pressured her and B to buy expensive tops, but DD wants to return hers so has kept it safe. The other two put theirs on and mocked and sneered at DD for not doing. They did a photo then cut her out of it to put it on their text profiles. A pushed her over and told her to fuck off “but she thinks she’s being funny”/“it was a joke”. At the same time she says she’s sad (of course, who wouldn’t be). But if I say it’s not ok, she starts defending A. This is just a taster of A’s general style, and what DD is telling me.

This kind of thing has happened a lot and I’m always scraping DD up and trying to get her to dump A, but she doesn’t want to because it would mean losing all her friends and A would get worse. Then if A wants to do something with her she jumps at the chance. :(

DD has told me that (on another occasion) A and B went to Oxfam and A shoplifted and pressured B to do so too. B told DD this. Of course I hit the roof and told DD never ever to let that happen to her and not to obey A.

I am fuming and said I want to come and get her and tell A’s mum what’s going on. DD is BEGGING me not to and says I will ruin her life. If I say anything or talk to A’s mum, A will bully her more and make her life hell at their new school after the summer.

sorry it’s long. What would you do? If I step in and make things worse, DD will blame me. OTOH she’s 12 and it’s my job to protect her. I honestly don’t know if I’m being over-protective, shockingly lax or somewhere in between. Partly because my own childhood was dysfunctional and my parents didn’t care, so I’m finding this difficult to navigate.

they are at the home of B’s dad and stepmum who are nice but I’m not close to and nor is DD.

I fucking hate this. My DD doesn’t deserve to be in thrall to A for the next 6 years but if I do anything I’ll make it worse and she’ll never forgive me. Please any advice is v v welcome.

I would just go and get her. I wouldn’t talk to the mum I would make up a family reason and just go and get her.

You need to get your DD to realise for herself that A is bad news, otherwise she is going to spend her lifetime being a doormat for others, and yes that includes men in future too.

The easiest way to do this is to manage her friendships more, actively push alternative groups, whether that's via hobbies, groups or even pushing for friends on the sidelines to be closer, inviting them round etc.

Your DD won't accept A is being horrid to her as it will ultimately mean accepting she isn't 'wanted' by A, which is a hard thing for anyone to accept, let alone a 12 year old. Having to accept one of your friends, isn't really a friend is hard at that age.

She will do so much sooner if she has other friends to turn to.

I'd also discuss this with the school and see if they can do anything to widen her social circle. When I was at school my best friends mum did this and in a few classes the teachers 'randomly' resat everyone away from friends, which is how we became friends as were put next to each other

Are there any other girls she could spend time with or develop new friendships?
This sounds like a very toxic environment and can understand why you are worried.

my Dd has a friend like A. You have to just keep enforcing that A is not worthy of her friendship and a true friend wouldn’t make her feel that crap. My dd worked it out in the end helped by the fact new friends didn’t treat her the same way. My dd still sees her A but no longer takes any crap from her. Hopefully your dd will find new friendship groups at high school

I think I would probably not say anything to the other parent unless something dangerous was going on. I don't think it would be wrong to do it either, though.

As far as the drama, I think it's more common than not with girls and that is the prime age. My experience has been that the best thing you can usually do is encourage your daughter to have good boundaries, stand up for herself, try to find new friends, tell her when someone is behaving in a way that is out of line.

But in the end she will have to navigate it and make her own decisions and see the consequences of them.

My eldest daughter had a similar situation at that age with friends since childhood who sometimes were very friendly but other times were cruel and backstabbing. She struggled with breaking away. By the time she was 15 or 16 though she was able to see more clearly what was going on and also able to recognize the same kinds of dynamics when she saw them in other people. SO to some extent I think it's a learning process that has to happen in order to have mature relationships with people.

Been there, done that, got the T shirt...I had so many conversations with DD about how these girls were not her friends, and that she needed to value herself more etc etc etc....nothing changed until SHE realised that what I was saying was true. I just tried to encourage her to widen her circle of friends and her interests....huge sympathies, its horrid. (Reading Queen Bees and Wannabees was also helpful).

Is the school change next term a secondary school one? If so it would be ideal time for your DD to be moved away from A's control. Different form and classes, giving your DD the opportunity to make new friendships away from A.

Summer break would also be a good time to limit time your DD spends with A.

Thanks so much for replies. I have to go and deal with something else temporarily but will be back soon.

She does have other friends including one who's not at the same school which is good, but doesn't value the other friends as much :(

DD has a point- she will get bullied if you grass. You need to be sneakier. Next time they try to get dd to shoplift get her to say “bye losers” and walk out. Or cause a distraction.

I definitely second starting new hobbies over the summer, making new friends and distancing herself from these.

Confronting a group bully never ends well, no matter how rude or annoying they are. Better to do the slow fade, make them laugh, or agree then not do that thing. Eg I was going to but I bottled it. You have guts doing it!

The truth is, unless she changes school she is stuck with these people for years. You can teach her strong boundaries, you can get her involved in other things and you might find slowly things change.

Yes, I had this with my youngest daughter. The good thing is that when she goes to high school things change. Not immediately, but will usually find other girls to hang around with, and nicer girls too.

I don't think by the Christmas of High school any of my daughters were friends with anyone they went to Primary with.

If your daughter was really unhappy, I would make up an excuse to go and get her.

Just to add I would contact the new school and ask for her to be in a different form and house. At my dd high school different houses are in different classes.

I would try to get her separated from A as best you can. Speak to her new school, explain the situation and see if they will put her in a different class from A. There isn't much mixing between classes in secondary so will hopefully help her to make some different friends.

Is there anything she likes to do that would get her making out of school friendships? Gymnastics, dance, horse riding, football, anything like that?

It's probably best to do a gradual fading out of A if possible. So encourage other friendships, things to keep her busy at weekends, groups, clubs, activities. You may find her enthusiastic about this as she doesn't seem to be enjoying A's company anyway.

Encourage her to stand up for herself. Challenge A when she's being a bitch. 'Why do you think it's funny to push me over? It's not funny though, you're just being spiteful. Why do you think that's clever. Shoplifting is just stupid. Why would you want a criminal record for some shit from oxfam that you could just buy? It's not big, it's just a bit pathetic.'

Thanks so much for all the replies, they have helped me calm down and think of some other routes out. I have been trying to help DD with assertiveness, self-esteem, ways to stand up for herself etc and I think she does get that, but feels unable to do it so far, but it’s reassuring to hear how many of your DDs have got there eventually.

I will talk to the school, look for some activities (i’d like DD to do more of these, but she tends to hate organised stuff and likes just hanging out with friends or doing art etc on her own). But still I can try looking for things, arranging stuff with other friends etc.

if I go and pick her up I’ll still ruin her life so I’ve currently agreed she can stay tonight and I will prepare an excuse so I can get her at short notice.

I agreed to the plan when it was just meant to be DD staying at B’s. A muscled her way in. 😡

You haven't parented properly if your teens and pre teens don't think you've ruined their lives at least once!

You're doing the right thing for your DD in the long run, she will get that someday

You haven't parented properly if your teens and pre teens don't think you've ruined their lives at least once!

Well, go me as I think I ruin it several times a week at the moment!
I have an older DS but have not experienced this amount of hormonal extremes, mood swings and drama before…

I would definitely get on to her school and try to have them in different classes. Give her a chance to have a real fresh start.

People like her frenemy are arseholes and many never change even into adulthood. Just keep teaching your daughter to keep them at arm's length - that they can still be polite and superficially pleasant while privately thinking, I see exactly what you are.