To have taken my DS home from the birthday party early

[Amiabadmumfor]

DS, 2, has autism and gets overwhelmed quite easily. It was a neighbours childs birthday party today and we were so thankful to have been invited, it was the first invite my DS has had so it felt so nice to be included.

He had a lovely time for the most part but it got busier and busier and he started becoming overwhelmed and then had a full blown meltdown and absolutely nothing would soothe him. We tried for 20 minutes (longest 20 mins ever!) before deciding to take him home.

He’s much calmer now and I am pleased he lasted 90 minutes and our neighbours were very kind towards us and didn’t mind us leaving at all, she knows our son well and was super proud of him too.

But I can hear the party continuing and I cant help but feel a bit sad and bad for leaving and am wondering whether it makes me a crap mum for taking him home.

guess I just need a bit of a hand hold

Don’t feel bad or sad. You did the right thing for both of you and no you are not a crap mother!

Sounds like you handled it really well. Your neighbour sounds great too. Your ds got to go to the party and had a lovely time; leaving a bit earlier is fine.
Tbh many 2 year olds whether they have any additional needs or not find a party quite overwhelming.

Tbh I think you should have taken him home sooner.

But all of these experiences are live and learn ones, you'll eventually be an expert at leaving at just the right time before he gets overwhelmed! It's so hard when they're this age and so many experiences are new for them so you don't know how they'll react.

It's great that you've got such lovely neighbours.

It sounds as though you judged it very well.

Of course you're not a "crap mum". You did what was best for your child (and the other children) in the circumstances.

Having said that, he's TWO - children without autism can have meltdowns as well, so it's (honestly) not a big deal and nobody will be judging you.

100 percent right to take home. At such a you age 90 minutes is like a whole weekend for a young one!

That’s very true he did still last a long time and you’re right 2 year olds do find these situations overwhelming. I think because it was our first party it’s a first for us and I’m just glad he’s back enjoying himself in the garden

You did the right thing. My two asd sons wouldn't have contemplated a party at that age so well done you. Parties can cause all sorts of sensory meltdowns and are so overwhelming I have realised over the years you have to get out of certain situations quickly when about to be overloaded. I believe you made the right call. It is upsetting when you see other children/parents breeze through such things like parties but I've realised I need to know my son's limits and in time it's ok.

Not at all! He's 2, he enjoyed the party, and when it got too much for him you left - all good. If anything, there is an art to watching the signs leaving gracefully before they go off like a bomb. Or leaving for 10 minutes when they are getting overwrought.

It's understandable but totally unreasonable of you to feel you should have done things differently.
You have to parent the child you have and give them what they need, not what you think they should need or what you want them to want/need. And w autism what they want and need (and enjoy and can handle) can be quite different from a nt child.
And if any of that ^^ sounds wise I can assure you it is entirely based on hindsight and a long history of making mistakes.

You sound like a great mum, once he started his melt down he was no longer enjoying the party, taking him home was best for him and the other guests.
Your neighbour sounds lovely too, I'd take a bottle of wine round later to thank her for including your DS and being so understanding ❤️

I'm 54, have left many parties early due to them being too much and have regularly been at home listening to other people having a 'jolly time' - I don't get FOMO.

You’ll never ever be a ‘crap’ mum if you always have your DCs best interest at heart.
Your little one did very well to last so long in what could be an overwhelming environment. Well done x

Some families have to completely adapt their whole life when you have children with autism. My son is in his twenties now. We now know which things he’ll cope with for a little while and which things he won’t cope with at all. Sometimes he surprises us though so we never stop trying new things.

It's fine to have left. I work with autistic dc and the advice I get from Ed psych and OT is to try and catch meltdowns before they happen. Hard I know but use strategies or remove before or at the first sign of disregulation and I've found it very helpful. Huge learning curve though and or needs to happen before you can learn and spit the signs. This is your first party so you've done great. It seems counter intuitive to remove them when they are having a good time but can be effective. I even find we can go back to activities that are starting to cause dc to become over stimulated if we take a break.

You did the right thing.

One thing that I've had to learn with my children, particularly with DS who has SPD, is that I need to resist the urge to project MY preferences on them. Think about this from DS' perspective - he went to a party, had a good time, and when he got overwhelmed, he left. It's a win. He doesn't care that there are still people at the party because he doesn't want to be at the party anymore because it was too much for him.

I would have taken him home as soon as I saw him getting overwhelmed, then had a 20-30 minute break in your house, then asked if he wanted to return to the party for the last bit.
but hindsight is a wonderful thing and he possibly would have wanted to stay home once home in any case. Well done to him for 90 minutes. That is great.

I wouldn't bat an eye at someone taking a NT 2yo home after that time. I would say be more sure of what your DS needs next time and take him home earlier, don't doubt yourself or try to push your son to please others.

You did the best thing for him, twice. First he had party fun like every other child; and when he needed to decompress you took him away .

Isn't that just the best way forward for his future ? For him to be included in everything, AND to have his needs recognised and allowed for. By you and his social circle.

Don't worry it sounds like you did brilliantly. He had a nice time and you took him away when it was all too much. Total parenting win.

You did great and your son did great too. 90 mins is no mean feat. I would look on today as a huge success. Well done to both of you x