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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend cancelled for his benefit and not mine?

51 replies

AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 11:09

I was due to be meeting friend today for a few drinks and lunch.

I suffer from a chronic condition and was really not well last night, so I told him that I would see how I was today but we might have to reschedule.

However, this morning I woke up to get a text to say that I've had a lot going on this week with my health and personally and that we can postpone today's meet up and that he would get on with his hobby.

I have been up every few hours in the night making sure I take my medication and look after myself so I'd be OK today and so I text him that I was fine to meet up and he text back that no, we'll cancel and do it another time and to look after myself today and just chill. AIBU to think this is about him and not me? I feel really pissed off as I was looking forward to today and a bit of support after an absolute bastard of a week?

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:00

Plus, he doesn't work so it's not like he has two days to fit all his leisure time in. I absolutely am supporting him in getting in to work but it's not like he had just the weekend to do his hobby. He does it everyday. He just has form for cancelling and then going out with other (mutual) friends anyway without me so this has pissed me off more than usual after the week I've had. He's my best friend and we speak to each other everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:02

trailrunner85 · 16/07/2022 11:36

You can hardly message him saying you're in poor health and then get offended when he replies to say he wants to take your health into consideration and rearrange...!

He hasn't done anything wrong here. Whether it was genuine concern for you or just frustration at plans being put into doubt, it was sensible of him to make a decision and stop any further faffing around.

After your message last night, you can surely understand why he'd just want to leave it this time. Or do you like to leave friends hanging?

After I insisted I was fine this morning, he insisted that no, we'll arrange it for another time. Definitely not about him being all nice and sweet about looking out for me when I'm unwell.

OP posts:
Fabswingers · 16/07/2022 12:04

Best friend? Don’t sound like it.

m are you both different sexes? Is this a fwb arrangement?

Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:05

Fabswingers · 16/07/2022 12:04

Best friend? Don’t sound like it.

m are you both different sexes? Is this a fwb arrangement?

Hi @Fabswingers Definitely not a FWB arrangement. We've never had sex. Purely a friendship.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 16/07/2022 12:06

If I'd got a text from a friend the night before saying I may have to reschedule I'd have assumed they were going to cancel, to be fair. It's not the kind of message that you send if you intend to meet up anyway. So I think there was a bit of a mixed message that you sent, it would have been better to say you were looking forward to meeting up and getting some support.

If he knows you've had a bad week it would seem that you are in contact during the week, just don't meet up very often? Is this a relationship - or a friendship you'd like to be a relationship and you are annoyed that he's misread what you meant?

Sparkletastic · 16/07/2022 12:06

I can see why he'd want to cancel and also appreciate how disappointing that is for you.

beautyisthefaceisee · 16/07/2022 12:07

I think hes just decided to make his own plans as you were considering cancelling. Youve effectively kept him waiting, then decided you want to go and been annoyed at him for doing what you could have done. Hes not in the wrong here, sorry. And hes not using your health as an excuse, hes talking about the thing you mentioned first.

ChicCroissant · 16/07/2022 12:09

Cross-posted with you there, I think on this occasion you gave a bit of a mixed message - you wanted to meet up but the message you sent sounded like you were going to cancel. You wanted him to read between the lines and he didn't.

I still think you might be wanting more than he does here, relationship-wise.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 16/07/2022 12:17

Sorry but you said may have to reschedule so yabu to be pissed off that he’s said let’s rearrange.
rearrange for another day no big deal .

ArcticSkewer · 16/07/2022 12:25

AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:00

Plus, he doesn't work so it's not like he has two days to fit all his leisure time in. I absolutely am supporting him in getting in to work but it's not like he had just the weekend to do his hobby. He does it everyday. He just has form for cancelling and then going out with other (mutual) friends anyway without me so this has pissed me off more than usual after the week I've had. He's my best friend and we speak to each other everyday.

If he is your best friend, you need better friends

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 12:32

AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:00

Plus, he doesn't work so it's not like he has two days to fit all his leisure time in. I absolutely am supporting him in getting in to work but it's not like he had just the weekend to do his hobby. He does it everyday. He just has form for cancelling and then going out with other (mutual) friends anyway without me so this has pissed me off more than usual after the week I've had. He's my best friend and we speak to each other everyday.

The way you're speaking about him makes it seem like you really resent him, not that you're best friends!

Ponoka7 · 16/07/2022 12:39

When you say that you really needed support, did you want to offload? Perhaps he isn't in the headspace for it. If he's a gamer, could he have spent the night doing that and the text was at the end of him doing that and needing to sleep? When you have a chronic condition, is easy to only focus on yourself and not take other people having the need for fun. I often forgo meetups because I might not be able to manage them, or do the walking etc.

oviraptor21 · 16/07/2022 12:39

He doesn't sound like a best friend. Maybe the friendship has run its course. If it hasn't, I think you need to be open with him about how he is making you feel.

He has form for letting you down. On this occasion perhaps he has a let-out clause but in general he's been a bit flaky and that's not the behaviour of a best friend no matter how often you message each other.

Call him out on it - find out what's really going on when he cancels on you and make a decision from there as to whether to continue to regard him as your best friend.

Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 12:48

Ponoka7 · 16/07/2022 12:39

When you say that you really needed support, did you want to offload? Perhaps he isn't in the headspace for it. If he's a gamer, could he have spent the night doing that and the text was at the end of him doing that and needing to sleep? When you have a chronic condition, is easy to only focus on yourself and not take other people having the need for fun. I often forgo meetups because I might not be able to manage them, or do the walking etc.

Hi @Ponoka7 I wasn't going to offload, just hoped to have something to smile at.

He's not a gamer. It's more of a creative hobby. He had a good night sleep. He told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 15:37

oviraptor21 · 16/07/2022 12:39

He doesn't sound like a best friend. Maybe the friendship has run its course. If it hasn't, I think you need to be open with him about how he is making you feel.

He has form for letting you down. On this occasion perhaps he has a let-out clause but in general he's been a bit flaky and that's not the behaviour of a best friend no matter how often you message each other.

Call him out on it - find out what's really going on when he cancels on you and make a decision from there as to whether to continue to regard him as your best friend.

It doesn't feel like he's a best friend anymore :(

I will speak to him but he'll make out like i'm being overly sensitive.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 16/07/2022 15:39

If you'd sent me that message, I would have interpreted it as you wanting to cancel but feeling guilty and would probably have given you the guilt free way out I would have assumed you were hinting for.

Could he perhaps have thought like that?

Original poster
AreWeNearlyThereYet84 · 16/07/2022 15:50

@IncompleteSenten I don't know but when I insisted I was fine this morning he insisted we call our plans off and that I 'rest'. I told him I had to go into the city we were meeting anyway and he basically just said to have fun. Ideally, I'd have hoped he'd trusted I was well enough to meet, but as I said earlier, I think my text last night was the perfect excuse for him.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 16/07/2022 15:54

Possibly.

He may be your 'best friend' but I don't think you're his.

And that is fine, a lot of adults don't have 'best friends' but he shouldn't be dropping you for better offers. That's just bad manners.

Badgirlriri · 16/07/2022 15:54

Just out it curiousity, do you talk to him about your illness a lot? Could he be avoiding you because he doesn’t want to keep hearing about it?

FeliciaFancybottom · 16/07/2022 15:56

He's my best friend
Ah come on, he isn't anywhere near to being your best friend. He treats you like shit and you sound like you can barely stand him.

TulipCat · 16/07/2022 15:56

Given your updates it sounds as if the friendship is fuzzling out. He perhaps prefers to spend time with other people and views you as "second choice" which is usually the death knell for most friendships. And you don't seem to respect his hobbies, so maybe it's time to just let things slowly fade away?

SleeplessInEngland · 16/07/2022 16:02

No-one likes the prospect of being cancelled on atht eh 11th hour, which you insinuated might happen.

YABU.

DangerouslyBored · 16/07/2022 16:09

This guy is nothing like a best friend. More of a ‘worst’ friend. I cannot even imagine remaining friends with someone who cancels plans with me and goes to the venue we were supposed to go to with another person. The level of disrespect he has shown you by doing that is startling. May I suggest you raise your bar and put this man and his lame ‘friendship’ in the 🗑

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/07/2022 16:10

The issue about him previously cancelling your plans so he can spend time with other friends shows he feels he can treat you in a dismissive, thoughtless way. That is not honouring a friendship. It’s pretty unforgivable.

This weekend being cancelled is not so bad.

I think you’re angry with him and that’s why you described his hobby like that so I think it was probably a temporary and understandable spurt of spite!

Are there other friends in your life? It might be time to focus on plans with other people or meeting new acquaintances.

Ohhhhladz · 16/07/2022 16:23

You were probably trying to be considerate in telling him you might have to cancel, but he seems to have a habit of being inconsiderate of you. Next time don't tell him, just wait to see how you feel on the day.

The way he told you he wasn't coming sound patronising. He's chosen a sure thing over a possible chance to spend time with you. That's his choice, he should own it. He also should have cancelled with you as soon as you said it was a maybe, or as soon as he made other plans, not waited for you to say "I'm fine; it's still on!" to tell you it was off no matter how you felt.

You could tell him how you feel and discuss how you can communicate better in future, but since you think his bad behaviour is intentional it may not be worth the bother.