Support for friend with serious cancer diagnosis

[AliTheMinx]

Apologies for posting in AIBU, but one of my closest friends from school (now 43) has just been diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer, which has spread to her liver. The prognosis is very bleak and life expectancy is short. Understandably, she is shattered and we are both devastated. She lives at the other end of the country, so we rarely see each other in person, as we both work full time and I also have a DC, but obviously I will make arrangements to visit if she is up to it. We do keep in touch quite often - especially as she is almost estranged from her family, and I know I am an important and trusted person in her life. She is married, but doesn't have children. I just wondered what, if anything, I can do to help from afar. I sent a yellow potted rose when they first discovered a shadow on her pancreas, which she has put by her bed and says she really loves as it cheers her up, but now I am wondering if there's anything I can do practically to help, apart from always being at the other end of the phone and visiting. Is there anything that would make the time she has left more comfortable which I could order perhaps? I just feel so helpless. Thank you.

Can you send her a care kit at all? Her favourite snacks, fancy cashmere socks, lovely pjs, something to pamper with, a candle (if she likes them), a book she'd like and a nice handwritten card? Something to give her a bit of me time and pamper herself with 😊 I've also done a meal delivery service in the past (arranged with family so husband in this case) of freezer meals that can be used when both absolutely knackered / cba with cooking!

Could you send a playlist on Spotify of the music you loved when you were at school together (or any time since)?

Agree with the above, and would add a 'surprise' present each week, maybe related to some happy times you've had together?
My DP had a close friend who would send a corny 'joke' each morning, got to the point where it would be shared on the ward

I received a stage 4 cancer diagnosis last year and have been receiving treatment. Close friends and colleagues have been amazingly thoughtful, the things that have made the biggest difference to me (and my partner) have been:

meal deliveries,
food treat parcels: I.e. an afternoon tea pack or an M&S treat pack
a steady stream of thoughtful and amusing cards - my partner’s mother has sent me a card every week since my diagnosis, not long messages just - thinking of you
getting someone to pick up the ironing and doing it
arranging for the house to be cleaned.
I was also sent a lovely soft throw as my internal thermostat is well and truly broken now, it has kept me warm many an evening in front of the tv.

Cooking and day to day survival becomes a challenge for the patient and partner anything that relieves that can make a difference. I have also been really grateful for any support / kindness shown to my partner as he has also taken a heavy load with me being sick.

Cancer impacts everyone within the radius of the patient, so also remember to take a bit of time for yourself. It’s hard.

These are wonderful ideas and so thoughtful. Thank you so, so much.

@PuppyFeet I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and hope the treatment is proving effective. Sending lots of love xx

I am so sorry to hear your friends diagnosis, pancreatic cancer is one of the worst to treat with very poor outcomes . All you can do is be there for her . Personally I would visit if just the once and before the treatment gets to debilitating.

I had a colleague who had such a diagnosis and he said the biggest help were those who treated and spoke to him as a person not a patient. He didn't want conversations dominated by his illness and treatment he wanted a sense of normality .

In a similar situation, I sent random brownie/traybake deliveries, as something that was a wee treat and didn’t require any action or effort from them other than to eat and enjoy.

I agree with a couple of pps here. Pancreatic cancer is devastating for everyone. Definitely visit at the first opportunity you get as your friend could suddenly go downhill at any time and you might wish afterwards you'd had one last visit. Also, definitely take some time for yourself and make sure you also have some support. I think some of the suggestions here sound lovely and your friend will appreciate them.

💐 so sorry to hear of this, OP.

I think the best thing you can do is be there for her and her husband and be open to all chat about fears and worries. Acknowledge her points and let her cry and express herself.

The sad one I first thought of (but v v important) would be to support her with her funeral planning. Sorry, I know it’s morbid- and hopefully a while off- but her husband might not be able to and that’s something a really kind friend could do.

As others have said:-

• meals prepared for her or a meal delivery service
• cleaner arranged to come once a week (if not intrusive to them)
• the odd flower delivery
• surprise fun/silly gifts to raise a smile
• daft texts (with your own ‘in jokes’)
• those monthly ‘pamper’ pick-a-mix boxes such as glossier etc. Some are rubbish but still really fun to receive and open once a month!