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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bad Grandma

14 replies

RubyViola · 15/07/2022 21:34

I'm feeling really emotional at the moment and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

My mum has so little interest in my daughter and for some reason today's bothered me a bit more than usual. I asked her in a joking way if she'd like to have my daughter next bank holiday as she said she'd be lonely as everyone would be out. Her response started with "oh, no" and got worse from there.

She had me quite young and I spent a lot of weekends/overnights/ UK holidays with my Grandma and grandad as well as after school most days while she worked. I remember having a lot of fun and felt really close with them.

I'm now a single mum and work full time (no choice financially). My mum works part time 3 days a week. My daughters at nursery 5 days so I've never expected or even asked my mum to have her on her days off. She has had her 4 times since she was born (for a few hours each time) and only once when it wasn't an emergency. Once I asked for a friends birthday which was booked weeks in advance, she agreed and then changed her mind as she was invited on a last minute night out.

The one time she had her after I'd asked so I could see a friend she told me it was really important for me to have some time to myself and that she'd have her again. This was 8 months ago.

My daughter has no contact with her dad or her dads side of the family and it makes me feel really depressed that she won't have any other close family relationships

OP posts:

fUNNYfACE36 · 15/07/2022 21:41

How old is your dd, and does your mum have a partner?

DecimatedDreams · 15/07/2022 21:47

I think "bad grandma" is unfair. If she was young when she had you, she is now regaining her social life. Just because she isn't doing child care for you doesn't mean she doesn't love or care about you and your DC.

SheepingStandingUp · 15/07/2022 21:51

Her response started with "oh, no" and got worse from there.%
What do you mean by this?
Do you visit each often often? Does she talk to when she does see her?

godmum56 · 15/07/2022 21:53

I guess she is just not keen on kids.

Ohmydayssilleople · 15/07/2022 22:00

As a grandma I will do anything to help my daughter.She is a single Mum and is absolutely brilliant with her child.
I work ,but will always help when I can .Usually once a week sleepover so my daughter gets time out and can relax…she is doing her MA ,so she can study or go out with her friends ..maybe your Mum is a lot younger than me and is catching up with friends etc .

Mariposista · 15/07/2022 22:29

I find this terribly sad. Now MN is the place where everyone will be quick to chant 'your mum owes you nothing/you can't expect childcare', but like you I remember afternoons/holidays spent with my gran - her house was na extension of my own. She is now 90 and I still love her so much and she would have done anything for me and me her. Your daughter not having this experience is so sad. All the best OP.

Comedycook · 15/07/2022 22:31

Yeah I agree with you op. It's shit. My own parents are dead but my mil is the most disinterested grandmother ever. I think it's awful. You reap what you sow.

concernedguineapig · 15/07/2022 22:32

So sad, my nana made my childhood what it was. I loved her so, so much. She shaped the person I am today and I miss her every day now she is gone.

Our generations parents seemed to palm us off to our grandparents left right and centre but aren't willing to do the same for us as parents

Goldfishjones · 15/07/2022 22:37

Spell it out to your mum (kindly). If she won't help or understand then there's nothing you can do but yes it's sad and YANBU to expect a mum to help her daughter out sometimes (despite what many MN will say).

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2022 22:42

She’s not a bad grandma, she’s not a negative force in yours or your daughter’s life, she’s not as enthusiastic about babysitting as you’d like her to be. You’ve missed out how old DD is but your mum doesn’t refuse to have her, you say she has helped you out.

You can be sad you don’t get as much help as you want. If you complain to her about what you do get she may help even less.

shiningstar2 · 15/07/2022 22:46

If your mum is lonely maybe suggesting a bank holiday for looking after dgc was the wrong time. Why not suggest a day out all together on the next bank holiday and ask her to have dgc on a different weekend. When people are lonely bank holidays seem to emphasize their situation and make them feel more isolated than usual.

Mally100 · 15/07/2022 22:46

Yanbu. Tbh she owes you nothing, but wouldn't it be very kind of her to have your dd for one day a week? This would be good bonding time as well as helping her dd save on fees. It's sad op but Maybe this is something you need to take heed of. When she complains she's lonely, don't feel sorry for her and offer her your or dd time.

Didisquat · 15/07/2022 22:56

We went to my nans every Saturday night from as long as I can remember until we were old enough to be left alone while my parents went out. I would never dream of asking my mum to do that for me as she is still out every Saturday night while I haven’t been out for years …. She’s a good nana but she still has her own life. My own nan obviously didn’t. Agree it seems like a generation thing and it was kinda the done thing 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

RubyViola · 15/07/2022 23:46

Thanks for all your replies. My DD is 4. I don't think it's necessarily just about babysitting, although this would be very helpful. I've been through a lot the last few years and am really feeling the lack of support, especially when I compare myself to other people I know with children (not helpful I know). I don't really expect my mum to help with childcare, but even wanting to spend the day/ a few hours with DD would be nice. DD does like her but doesn't really have a bond as they never spend any time alone.

I haven't been able to go out and see friends and as I work full time I rarely get to see them at all anymore and it does feel sad to constantly have to say no whenever there's an event I can't go to. My other friends with children have a lot of support and it really hurts that I don't have the same.

My mum is also constantly asking if I've met anyone or if I'm looking but she also knows I have no one else to have DD so it just feels like a stupid question. I'd love to have the opportunity to find someone (as she did) but it's not possible.

She's married and has 2 of my adult siblings living with her so not actually lonely - her husband works full bank holidays including the weekend before and she said she'd be lonely as she hadn't made any plans - hence me jokingly saying "would you like to have DD?". I wasn't expecting a yes from her just not the response she gave.

OP posts:

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