Negative Feedback

[JAlfredPrufrock]

OH has recently given me some negative feedback about my personality. (I think it's unhelpful to say what, as we'll just end up debating whether he's right!) I don't agree with it and am finding myself quite deeply, and unexpectedly, hurt. Initially, I thought he'd just said it to upset me as it came out the back of an argument, but I've subsequently brought it up and it turns out that no, that is actually what he thinks of me! He was perfectly nice about it in the second discussion - explained that it wasn't a big deal to him, etc., but confirmed that this is definitely how he sees me.

I'm finding it really hard to get past. It is not a character trait that I see as a fault of mine, and I just feel really, really low.

So, AIBU to feel this way? Should he apologise for upsetting me? Or is he perfectly entitled to (nicely) bring up my flaws? And more importantly, has anyone got any cheering stories of how they got past this with someone they love (could be a friend or family member)? I feel betrayed, somehow, but I'm not sure that's entirely fair...

Well... what did he actually say? If he said your temper is uncontrollable and it depresses him he's probably got a point. If he said you're a slag because you go out with your friends once a month he's obviously a cunt. All about context.

If you expect your partner to genuinely believe you are entirely flawless then YABU. If you expect your partner to pretend that they think you are entirely flawless then YABU. Do you think you're flawless? Do you think he's flawless? Do you think anyone is flawless?

You can be upset that you have flaws (although I'd encourage you not to be - everyone has flaws) - you're entitled to your emotions. He absolutely doesn't have to apologise for your emotions based off an unreasonable expectation (of yourself and of him).

Hmmmm, no I don't think I'm flawless. My post was more about dealing with criticism that is completely unexpected/at odds with the way you view yourself, and how to go about processing that in a healthy way!

I find criticism hard to take (who doesn't!) but this has a particular sting in its tail because I just don't recognise it in myself.

Impossible to comment on without details of what was said. To see how cruel it was or constructive.

I haven’t voted because it’s really difficult without knowing what he said. Are you open to accepting that this may be true, despite the fact you don’t see it in yourself? Have you asked other people in your life their honest opinion? If there was a consensus, do you feel it’s something you would like to change, and would you be willing to work on this character trait to improve it?

Why don’t you think it’s true?

What's his evidence?

My husband thinks I'm blunt, I've always thought I was diplomatic and nurturing to the point of sitting on the fence way too often. I still find it hard to accept and sometimes I'm blunt with him on purpose since, reap what you sew.
I wonder if we show different sides to different people? Or people see different things in us?

He said I am rude and standoffish with people. My perspective is that he is very much an extrovert who engages everyone he meets in lengthy conversation, whereas I am a more reserved introvert, but definitely not rude.

It was brought up specifically in relation to his parents; we used to have a bit of a tricky relationship, but I feel that all parties have worked quite hard on this and that we now have a very positive relationship. So that adds to the sting: the feeling that a) my efforts are not being recognised and b) perhaps this relationship is not as good as I thought and that comments are made about me behind my back.

I'm not sure it would help to ask other friends/family what they think. I suspect they would rush to my defence, but that is not to say that he is wrong, just a big difference in perception.

Yes, maybe I make less of an effort when he is around because I know he'll do the socialising for me! That is probably fair!