To stop making an effort at work

[Peachyroll]

I started a new job (mostly remote) a few months ago in a big public sector organisation and I'm feeling a bit sad about the culture. Or lack of it. I feel rude messaging someone (often someone I've never met before) asking them to do something without a 'hello, how are you' or not asking how someone is when joining a call with them. But nobody does that here. I essentially get ignored and some people seem offended or totally baffled if I ask something like; 'how was your weekend?' Genuinely, not trying to make any intrusive conversation, or any conversation at all really, just polite standard greetings.

Do I just stop? Unfortunately it's not in my nature to not care one jot about my colleagues. Any tips? The work itself is actually one of the most interesting jobs I've ever had, good for my career, and pay is decent so would like to stay for a couple of years at least.

to be polite, I just say “Hello X, hope you’re well”. It does sound a bit rude without any greeting at all, but also there’s no need to ask about weekend plans etc. most people just want to get to the point and get the job done.

in time, you’ll find they might open up more

Honestly in your shoes I'd be looking at other opportunities, I too wouldn't want to work somewhere where even basic pleasantries are an issue.

Although you'll get many on here saying they'd love their work to be like this, colleagues aren't friends, and don't even try and organise a collection for a birthday

Have you actually met any of your colleagues in person or is it all remote? I can imagine it is pretty difficult to have that kind of chit chat with people in this way when you have not met in person perhaps.

I wouldn’t leave a job over this though. You’ve just started, your opinion might change once you’ve settled in.

So I don't think your experience is true of every public sector organisation. Certainly not in ours between people who are acquaintances. However, a note of caution that very senior folk are incredibly pressured and often want to get on and start meetings on time without small talk. This isn't rudeness it's a reflection of their desire to manage their time. I think it's about finding a comfortable balance and thinking about who you are talking to. Also if you want to see a change model the behaviour you want, you might find others come along with you

I have always treated work as somewhere I go to deliver a specific outcome for which I’ll be rewarded in a specific way and that’s the end of the matter it’s extremely transactional. I do you think a lot of the time that’s how people‘s mental health suffers when they attach far too much to their working environment.

Yes, I've met my immediate team in person a few times, we have a team day every month. They're friendly but all very... aloof.

I don't necessarily want to be BFFs with my colleagues but think it's nice to actually acknowledge the people you work with?

From the thread title I was thinking the OP must be Boris .

Sounds ideal, though I can imagine it takes a bit to get used to if it’s not how you naturally operate.

any jobs going?!

I'm with your colleagues on the Teams thing. There's nothing more annoying than knowing someone has messaged you for a reason but having to reply to a load of 'how was your weekend?' messages before they get to the point. It's one of the informal rules of our team that we don't do it.

I feel rude messaging someone (often someone I've never met before) asking them to do something without a 'hello, how are you'

Are you expecting to message them saying hello, for them to reply, and then to ask them to do something? Because this is the number one most infuriating thing someone can do, especially when you're busy. For reasons why this is annoying please see nohello.net/en/

As you're public sector I'm assuming that most of your colleagues are doing the jobs of 2-3 people and everyone is super busy. Pleasantries at the start of meetings sound okay on paper, but in the real world they might take up 10 minutes of a meeting. If you have many meetings each day, that's a hell of a lot of dead time.

Hmmm

I really hate it when I get an out of the blue 'Hi xxx how are you?' Because I know they want something and are going to string it out to a multiple message small talk before just asking the question.

I tend to type the greeting and the question into the first message' Hi xxx hope you are well and had a great weekend. Just need to know how xx is going and if you're on track for xx......'.

You will get used to it. No malice intended. As PP mentioned culture varies but generally people are happy to dispense with chit chat a lot of the time

It's such a communication style preference thing. Neither of you is wrong. I honestly can't stand the pleasantries and just want to get to whatever it is I want to say. I'm keenly aware that others find that rude though. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't type an email get to the end and then have to go back to the beginning to put in some kind of 'hope you're well' kind of text so others don't get upset. It seems like the people you work with are like that but it doesn't mean they don't care about you or aren't interested in you. They just don't want or need every conversation to be full of small talk first.

I do you think a lot of the time that’s how people‘s mental health suffers when they attach far too much to their working environment.

I agree. I accidentally became really popular at my work when I started, which was a good thing at the start as it helped to propel my career. But now those “friendships” are dwindling and at first I was like “what have I done wrong?”. But I soon snapped out of that and remembered that colleagues aren’t proper friends, you’re just pally at work. If a colleague acts weird with me at work but still gets the job done, it doesn’t bother me

Are you an annoying over talker? That sort of stuff is fine on occasion but not every time. People just want to get on with their jobs

I understand where you are coming from but don't let it dictate how you enjoy your job. Best in mind most people have come out of lockdown, recently gone back into the office and probably feel a bit weird as well.

I changed jobs at the beginning of the year and whilst people have been approachable they are still keen to reconnect with the people they know.

I feel rude messaging someone (often someone I've never met before) asking them to do something without a 'hello, how are you' or not asking how someone is when joining a call with them. But nobody does that here.

OMG that sounds like my ideal job. I fucking hate having to pretend to care about other humans.

I think in professional settings people don't want or need friendliness. Politeness yes, say "Hi Jane, hope you're well. Could you get X to me by 9am tomorrow please." But don't ask them questions, they're at work they don't want to chat! My colleague was a chatter and would even send gifs in emails like a cat saying thank you. So unnecessary

Of course in professional settings people want and need friendliness.

MN is a different world sometimes (most likely due to the level of introversion on these boards)

I don't ask how they are doing but will say stuff like hope the weekend was a good one/the day is going well, not questions but they can answer if they wish.
If someone asks me how things are I usually ignore as the spiel I would let forth with is not really what people are fishing for.
So niceties but not ones that require responding to.

No... I say: Hello, how are you, [insert message]. I'm not a total heathen.

I'm wondering if you work where I work OP? Its also public sector. I've had a very similar experience. Joined a team who had all worked together in person but I joined when it was WFH after Covid. Only met a handful of the team in person. Never spoken to some of them in the time I've been there. I find a lot of them quite aloof, awkward and difficult to have conversations with. There are weeks when I could be dead and I don't think anyone would notice TBH.

One member of staff who I do speak to tells me that apparently they were all like that in the office too and no one spoke to each other. So who knows.

I think I would look for somewhere else to work. I know what you mean though as I try to make general chit chat with my work colleagues and I would imagine it can be disheartening if you ask how their weekend was and they don't really bother to answer or make the effort to ask how you are.

Welcome to the public sector. It used to be different. Now we are all doing the jobs of 4 or 5 former colleagues and have spent 2+ years in isolation, working from home with no thanks at all, and always the brunt of every nasty comment about how well paid we are (we aren't), how lazy we are (they should try our jobs and see how lazy we are), and we don't deserve our terms or anything else. People are now too isolated, too overworked, and too exhausted for the pleasantries. I get it, I really do. I find myself rereading an email to insert a nice comment. Because it no longer comes naturally. You are seeing it because your are new to it. Soon you won't notice. You will be just the same.