Child Maintenance/Blackmail

[FrustratedSA]

Hello,

Popping this here for a bit of release and hopefully some advise although I have no idea where to start and will try to keep it short.

OH has been divorced for a few years now and has 3 children from the marriage.
As long as I have known him he has always has regular contact with the children and has paid child maintenance. There have been a couple instances where he has been late in paying or paid an instalments because of circumstances out of his control e.g when he lost his job during covid.

EX wife not happy with this took him to CMS and they reduced the payments he was making. He has paid each month until he was recently let go from his last role (business lost the contract) two months ago.

He just told me that if we don't pay her the missed payments then she will be dropping the kids on the doorstep Monday and they will be our responsibility e.g taking them to school, clubs and visiting friends which to me is blackmail.

For a bit of context - we have the kids every other weekend from a Friday to Sunday, two night a week for dinner and we also take then to an after school club one night a week. While with us on our weekends we take them to there extra curricular activities on the weekend. She has only ever dropped kids to us twice so we do all of the travel. Approx 45-1 hour each way.

We also have the children every half terms and for a minimum of two weeks over the summer holidays and the week between Christmas and New Year. OH wouldn't be able to go on holiday with me as he gives his ex all his annual leave entitlement for childcare. She wants me to give up some of my annual leave entitlement as he doesn't have enough to watch the kids. I've said no. Happy to help out but when needed but you're not having my annual leave.

Now she wants to take us to family court because 'we don't spend enough time with the children' . Last year she took us to small claims court for additional money and has said we've refused to pay for things like school trips and school uniforms. We haven't! The 50% of the trip was paid for even though she has told the children otherwise. For the School uniforms she's told us that we need to pay £700 for the 3 children. When we said we would be happy to pay 50% and could we see the receipts, she sent a photo of a pile of receipts. Happy to pay when we see the actual receipts so that I know what we're paying for (even I can chuck some receipts into a pile and say they are for something else).

Two days before Christmas advised us that she won't be sending the kids to us with any clothes and we needed to provide this when they are in our care so we had to do an emergency shop for at least a weeks worth of clothes for each child.

This is just some of a long list of issues that we are having to deal with and maybe IABU but ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today it got to be too much.

Sorry I’m confused? How can he be doing everything possibly he can when he was unemployed and didn’t pick up the slack with seeing his kids? to the point his ex is ‘threatening , to drop the kids off on your door, so he is forced to parent his children. I mean he didn’t even provide clothes for his children when they are staying with him. Yuk.

Why doesn't he have them 50/50?

Sounds to me like they need to go to court and get it all written down.

He could apply for RP status and the kids live with him. Then his ex could pay CM.

@OneForTheRoadThen We do have clothes at the house for the kids.

before you did the emergency shop?

The children shouldn't need a thing brought with them apart from any toys etc they themselves want to bring.

@SoupDragon I have 60/40 custody and mine absolutely have clothes and uniform at their dad's because a) I just get a load of dirty washing back otherwise b) he doesn't pay maintenance so I expect him to provide something for his children c) I'm not packing clothes for a grown man who can't get himself organised

OP

You should post on the Stepparenting board instead, you'll be absolutely slaughtered here for existing as a woman who's not the kids' mum.

Anyway if she does go through with it, make sure that you take plenty of evidence / document that the kids are with you. Otherwise she'll claim otherwise and pursue himself for the CMS for that period.

How much has he been paying going via CMS? If it's £1000 a month, absolutely fair enough. If it's £200 or less, that won't be 50% of what they need.

She's being unreasonable if she is genuinely expecting you as the dads gf to use your annual leave to watch the kids. And not giving itemised receipts for school clothes.

But he is being unreasonable thinking the kids should bring clothes with them, that his annual leave is 'his' when in fact it should be to benefit the children by looking after them, that he reduced his maintenance payments, that he was late or completely missed payments of maintenance.

As pp have said - what if SHE had lost her job?? I think he needs to seriously look at his line of work if it keeps happening. And there are always jobs out there to be had whilst waiting to find a job in his sector - maybe NMW, but still a job.

Makes me laugh, CM barely covers anything.

Has she actually said you have to take annual leave to have the kids, or has it just been extrapolated by default due to the fact that your partner has said he’s working and hasn’t made other arrangements?

she isn’t your problem here, he is. They are his children, he should be making arrangements for their care for the times when they are with him, and that means if he can’t do it then he has to find someone else who will, including paying for childcare if necessary. That’s exactly what the mother would have to do and the same applies to him.

and, tough shit if he’s doing all he physically can and it’s not enough, he needs to find a way to do more. The mother can’t just down tools and kick the kids out when she feels like she’s done enough, because that would be neglect. Why do you think he should have a lower standard of parenting to live up to than her?

and clothing, would you think it was reasonable that your partner provide everything for when they’re with their mother? If not, why not?

School uniform can easily cost £700 for 3 children:

Decent school shoes £45
3 school branded jumpers £36
5 school branded tshirts £40
3 pairs trousers/skirts £21
3 dresses/shorts £18
5 pairs school colour socks £5
School colour coat £30
School bag £20
PE kit £20
PE trainers £12

For secondary school add extra for blazer, tie, expensive pe kit, gum shield, football boots, shin pads, sports bag, stationary.

Extra for Water bottle, lunch bag, book bag, hair ties/clips in school colours, tights

I'm confused about the annual leave thing as well. All of us parents 'give up our leave for childcare'? Isn't that part of being a parent? I didn't have holidays away from DS (apart from the odd weekend with a friend) but all my leave was used for the school holidays.

Your posts remind me of my friends ex and his new partner. The dad (I use the term loosely) refuses to do any pick ups or drop offs or sick days/inset days as (drum roll) HE WORKS! Yes that's right - he works whereas the rest of us parents don't .

@TimeSlipMushroom The £700 was his half not the total amount

To be fair to the father, it sounds like he is doing all he can to parent his children, and the op is the one complaining that the ex wife is asking too much. Maybe it is the ex wife's attitude that is annoying op, as I can't see anything in the facts given, that shows he is doing too much.

You can easily spend that much on school uniform, I think he sounds a bit out of touch about how expensive school actually is.

If he isn't paying his CM then he ought to be having them 50/50. That's fair.

As for the leave, I just burst out laughing. Annual leave when you want it is no longer a thing when you have children. He is a parent and has to use his leave to look after his kids like any other decent father.

They are HIS children. He bears just as much responsibility for them as their mother does, whether he is starting a new job or not. Do you offer to have the kids full time when she is working or just expect her to sort it?

I think that's fair enough but I would expect to show receipts for it, or one of them buys half and the other the other half. It's not reasonable to just say you owe me £700 with no proof, that works both ways though.

@FrustratedSA If I was your OH I would want to call my ex's bluff. If I could have more time with the children, I would be absolutely over the moon. I get five days in every fourteen and it's just not enough (it's not enough to catch up on all the admin stuffed in their school bags or unfinished homework either but that's another matter)!

If I was in his position, living half an hour from her (I think you said 1 hour round trip?) I would do the following:

1. Speak to CMS about having lost my job and have my payments adjusted;
2. Wait until the Monday when the children arrive;
3. Immediately file with the court to be able to change the children's school to somewhere close to me;
4. Inform the ex I will not be paying the £700 for school uniform (which, by the way, is ridiculous. School uniform does not cost this much) because they would not longer be attending that school because of her actions;
5. Also file with the court for a child arrangements order where I was the RP and offer ex EOW. Which I think would be fair following her use of the children for financial gain and abandonment;
6. Take a part time rather than full time job to work around school hours. There are plenty of jobs out there that fit around school hours;
7. Have my solicitor write to my ex saying A) her CM is going to come to an end; B) she might want to find a full time job and C) that I would be applying for CM from her;
8. Assuming the CAO came through after mother's abandonment, apply to the CMS to get her to start paying;
9. Keep receipts of everything spent on the children and ask for half of anything over and above what she is already paying multiplied by two (to assume my share of the contribution). So if she paid £100 a month and costs were £300 I would ask her for another £50.

The reason I would do this would not be for revenge but because the children need stability. A mother who leaves her own children on her ex's doorstep in a fight over money is not fit to be the resident parent in my opinion.