to be mad at DP because he went behind my back and gave DS boiled sweets

[notalone]

I was out today for a job interview so DP collected Ds from school. I NEVER put my foot down about anything except for the fact that I don't like DS having chewing gum or boiled sweets - I feel they are choking hazards and really bad for teeth.

Anyway, I managed to catch an earlier train and was home an hour earlier than expected. I walked in to find Ds happily sucking on a boiled sweet lollipop. I made him put it in the bin (and gave him something else to replace it) and asked DP why he had gone behind my back on the one and only thing I insist on. DP basically told me to F off and shouted that I am ridiculous and when am I going to let DS grow up. DS is hardly deprived of treats - he is allowed the usual crap kids like to eat, just not these two things. DP is now in a foul mood at me and I feel he has gone behind my back on something which is important to me and which he had always assured me he wouldn't give him.

Am I in the wrong here? DS is 6 btw

Hmm, don;t think I would have pulled him up about it in front of your DS, esp as he's old enough to understand. Could you not have let it go for the moment and talked to your DP about it later? Also, any 'rules' like that really need to be agreed between you, if it's just your decision your DS will soon learn the principles of divide and rule

I expect he felt belittled which is why he got angry. Once ds had been given the sweet by dad, it's belittling to his parenting to have that sweet actually taken away from your ds.

Of COURSE he shouldn't have given it, as you'd agreed; but I think probably you could have let your ds finish that one, and said privately to your DP that you were seriously unimpressed etc. He obviously doesn't feel as strongly as you about it....but of course if he knows how important it is to you he shouldn't go against the decision. I think you may need to make him realise how important it is to you.

YABU - it really isn't the end of the world.

I know - I was so cross and DP wasn't even in the same room - he had gone upstairs - so if it had gone down the wrong way DP would never even have known about it.

The thing is DP's parents try to undermine our decisions re DS behind our backs and it makes DP really mad, but he can't see the difference when he does the same thing.

I agree I should not have done it in front of DS though. Men just don't think sometimes do they SIGH

Foofi - when I was a kid I saw someone choke on one of these - it IS a big deal to me

think you were probably stressed cos the interview...so cab be excused being ott

I was always choking on boiled sweets when I was a kid

You would have thought my mum would have stopped me having them

In that case, why not go up to your DP and a) apologise for criticising him in front of DS and b) explain AGAIN why you don't like him having boiled sweets, with the view of c) getting a consensus on what sweets your DS is allowed

I would be mad yes, but not in front of a 6yo who will absorb the way you reacted.

TBH tho, your son is 6......it is not like he is a baby/toddler to whom these things are a hazard for....and also, it was a lollypop, not a boiled sweet (I know lollies are boiled sweets on a stick, but to most men, there lies the difference!).

I would try to reach a compromise here tho.....your son is very likely to be offered lollies in the very near future at times when he is not with you (at parties/play dates etc).....how will you be able to handle things then?

Ah, I hadn;t thought of the lollipops not being boiled sweets option. Sounds like male logic in action

Is your DP the childs father? if he is he has just as much right as you to decide what the child should or shouldn't eat - he was in the care of his father.
I think YABU in this instance and your reaction was not proportionate to the problem, perhaps later saying to DP that you really do prefer DS not to have boiled sweets.

Hoew did the interview go btw?

I agree with JJ. Assuming that DP is your ds's father, I don't see how you are in a position to set such stringent rules. He's a parent too.

The lad is six years old. He handed him a lollipop not a hand grenade, so yes, YABU.

I think yabu. How would you feel if your dh undermined you like that. You treated him like a child in front of your ds and that is out of order IMO.

also, a lollypop is not exactly the same as a boiled sweet, and your ds is 6 not a baby. Lollypops have come as standard in virtually every party bag I've evr seen - will you take those away too?

Did the person you saw choking die btw?

I think chewing gum is revolting both for children and adults so can kind of see your pov on that but boiled sweets aren't that much of a hazzard to a 6 yo IMO

Psychomum - that is a fair point and it is something I have considered and have no solution to as yet.

JingleyJen he is DS's dad but I never ever insist on anything. There have been so many occasions where we have not seen eye to eye on something in relation to parenting DS and DP usually makes the final decision. Its just the one thing I ask him not to do, he has gone ahead and done anyway.

Male logic in relation to it not being a boiled sweet - erm yes probably. DP has just come back in and is not in a mood anymore so hopefully that will be it now.

YABU. I also don'tlike lollipops as I worry about the choking aspect but wouldn't take one off him if someone else gave him one.

Wannabe - no but it was close and very scary.

I think the way I went about it was unreasonable but DP was unreasonable for undermining me when my back was turned as he knows how I feel about it.
And also as I said before I never put my foot down about anything except this one thing. DP has a life of riley with me - honestly!!

Effie - thanks for asking. Interview went ok thanks. Only thing is there are 12 positions and 200 applicants

well.....if he is calmer, and you are too, and DS is suitably happy with your alternative, then maybe this is now the time to work out how you handle this from now on.

chewing gum, fair point. I dislike chewing gum too, but my children are now allowed it. I ended up with the compromise as when they got to 9 and had pocket money, I was then unable to insist too much on what they bought. there were ground rules, but theis was the compromise for me on other types of sweets. I prefer them havin chewing gum to sweets with many many colours in, so this was the agreed alternative. We also agreed to a blanket age on when they could have it from, and it was their 7th birthday, (earlier than I wanted, but it was a family descision so got shouted down)

lollypops however......like I said, men think differently to us so lollies aren't covered by the 'boiled sweet' rule to them. just as our version of mess and chaos are their versions of spotless peaceful oasis of calm!

YABU

Motherhurdiecure - thanks for not making me feel like a loony. I do have very good reasons for the way I feel and as well as what I saw when I was a kid, I have also read lots of articles in the same vein Ds does have fab teeth actually! See I am just protecting his teeth really!!

Psychomum - think you are onto something there. I know at some point I will have to let him have these two things and deciding on a date that he can (ideally a birthday like you did) makes sense. I like the mess and chaos analogy too

Nametaken - good explanation there lol

oh dear me, sounds like the episode in my house, where DS comes upstairs at 7.00am with a bowl full of smarties....

DH: Well he saw them in the fridge and wanted some
Me: Do you not see it as a problem, giving him sweets at this ime of the morning
DH: erm no... I think you have a problem with sweets.
Me: Erm.. NO.. No sweets before ANY meal, especially bloody breakfast.

You are sooooo NBU!!

I can see why you were upset and crioss with your Dh. But I do think you were being a bit unreasonable. You undermined your DH and your DS will have noticed this. It would have been better to let him finish his lollypop and discussed it with DH later.