To wonder why my dd11 never gets an invite back

[Janinebutcher79]

Or more recently none of her friends ever accept her invite here
she is in year 6 and leaving her school
the most of them are going on to another school. Her current school is a very small one form entry school.
she does seem to have friends and is always chatting to them etc but it doesn’t seem to really go any further
the last few months she’s asked 2 friends over and they said no. She invited one girl to her birthday outing she said no as her mums birthday then on the day posted pictures of her out with another girl from the class.

Is your DD moving on to the same school as the others?

Do you live nearby?

Oh your poor DD that is hard. I’m sure she doesn’t do anything wrong, it’s often the case that if one girl decides to ostracise another, then others just pick up on it. If she’s leaving school then she will have a fresh start at secondary

They're concentrating on cementing the group who are all going to the same school. Their parents are facilitating this.

Also, she is at the age where girls turn vicious and many girls who thought they had friends end up bewildered and alone.

There is very likely one Queen Bee behind the dumping of your DD. She has decreed that anyone who remains friends with your DD is going to be shunned.

Oh op it is so heartbreaking to see children suffer like this..can you focus on finding some children locally who will be at her new secondary?

For what it's worth I would try to teach her the life skill of not taking rejections about invitations personally

Kids nowadays have activity filled busy over organised lives. My 10 year old has plenty of friends but often they aren't free to come over

It will pass as this is the shifting stage, where friendships alter and girls especially grow quickly and in different directions. As long as your daughter is a pleasant human, she will be absolutely fine. She just needs to get through this long summer of finding out who she is and what she needs from a friendship group. It won't be surprising when the next girl to be ostracised by the Heather contacts your DD and she will have company again, but it's a waiting game. Get some cousins over for the summer and treat them all to some memorable days out. 💐

Thanks all
seems to be 2 girls in particular I hope it does pass

Sometimes it helps if you broaden a child's horizons - get into acting or a choir or synchronised swimming or pony riding, or some other activity - so the child who is being badly treated in school can realise there is more to life than school, that school is really just a small pond. There is the added benefit of possibly making friends through the activity.

This is actually a bit more serious than initially seems. I'd talk to her teacher.

Gee that’s so awful about the girl lying then posting photos on social media 😢 How hurtful.

I agree that the parents are likely to be facilitating the preferred grouping with a view to going into the same school. It is still strangely harsh though.

Girls don't waste time fostering friendships that are not going anywhere. It's because she's not transitioning with them. Why?

Agree with PP's, it's because she's not going onto the same school. In my experience (we moved schools a lot) once the other kids know you're not moving on with them they'll pull away. They don't want to 'waste' time investing in a friendship that's likely to fizzle out anyway.

Even if she had been going to the same secondary school as the others, it's likely she'd have made new friendship groups at secondary and no longer hang around with the old friends. I've heard it is very common. Both my children experienced this.

Is she going for a visiting day to new secondary? Focus on developing that?

A colleague was talking about the change from a small school to a larger high-school and because it can be quite intense with a small school it is often that as soon as they all get to high school they go off and make.new friends quite quickly, they have just been crammed together in a small group for so long it is a relief to get out there and find New friendships with similar interests from a bigger pool of people

I find this so sad. I currently have 6 x 11 year old girls in my lounge. Only 1 will go to secondary with dd1.
It's their last few days together before 2 of them move away & the others are split across 3 schools.
The prospect of not spending time together because they won't go to school together in 2 months time after 7 yes together is sad.

My daughter is still friends with her best friend from primary, even though they're at different schools. It doesn't have to end.

OP - girls can be absolutely vicious at that age for no reason. She will have a fresh start at secondary and make better friends. The other thing you can try do is encourage your daughter to make friends outside of school. When my daughter had friendship issues at primary it really helped that she had a really close friend at her riding yard with whom she could spend weekends/have sleepovers etc. It really boosted her confidence. Nowadays, most of my daughter's closest friends are from outside of her school (livery yard) although she also made good friends at secondary.

Are the girls saying no, or are their parents saying no and telling the girls to decline? Is there anything about your home that may put them off coming? Big dog etc? At that age most kids want to accept any invitation and it's parents who put their foot down.

Could your daughter focus on making friends outside of school? Joining an activity or club perhaps?

At that age most kids want to accept any invitation and it's parents who put their foot down.

Not in my experience of having a daughter of similar age. It's usually the parents who jump at the opportunity to offload their kid to a playdate, but it's the girls who can be absolutely vicious and mean about who they meet outside of school.

Unless of course OP owns an angry Rottweiler

I really really hope this is true. She is a lovely human being and I know I’m biased but she’s kind and funny and tries to do the right thing. But I think sometimes that gets her in trouble with the others. I really hope she finds her people and has a group where she fits in. This school has been so so hard for her much of the time