To be struggling so much?

[Wolfie11]

I feel like I’m really, really struggling just now. I think I’ve been depressed/anxious for a while and my out look on life is starting to get very bleak.

I’m nearing 30, single parent to 10 year old DS and other than him and my dog, I have nothing going for me at all. I work full time but it’s in a low paid but stressful dead end job. I’m poor, have debt and no assets. My flat is run down and grubby and I have such little disposable income that doing anything about it feels impossible. I’m ageing prematurely but again, lack of funds means there’s little I can do about that. I’m not physically attractive and have been single for over a year now. It feels pretty unlikely I’ll ever meet anyone else - I wouldn’t want to date me if I was a guy. I should add, I’m not actively dating before anyone jumps on me for trying to date when I’m such a mess.

I haven’t really got any hobbies or interests anymore, they have just dwindled away and now when I don’t have DS I just spend all my time scrolling on my phone like a robot. I have plans to try and get out of my current situation, like going back to study next year and getting a degree which will lead to a career. But right now, it all just feels so impossible. I feel so trapped and like I’m just alive, not actually living. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed. I try to care about my appearance and keeping the flat clean/tidy but deep down I just feel like I’m trying to polish a turd - for both me and the flat!

I’ve tried anti depressants but they made me feel so much worse and I briefly spoke to a therapist but she basically just waved off my thoughts like I’m just being daft. Maybe I am but it doesn’t change the fact that my life/future just feels so dull and dark and bleak. I don’t want to kill myself but if it wasn’t for DS and DDog I probably wouldn’t want to be here anymore.

I’m not sure why I’m posting here, I know all of the things I should do to help myself. I just can’t speak like this in RL so I guess I just wanted to get it out. I’m so sick of pretending to be happy to just come home and hide away at every available opportunity. I should add I keep my shit together around DS, no matter how I feel.

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this 😔 sometimes life gets so tough and the negatives out weigh the positives but please know that there's people you can talk to, you're not being unreasonable. I have been feeling so low lately and you wonder if it will ever get better etc x here if you need to talk

Been there, OP. It's a massive rut.
I went back to uni and retrained and now in a new career where I earn much better than I did before (healthcare) and have the ability to increase earnings. It changed my life and I am in a much better place mentally.
I can't afford a mortgage and live in a high rent area but life is ok, for now. Also, single parent to one DC. I don't give much of shit about my appearance and I'm over 10 years older than you.
You are young and have time to make changes--go easy on yourself.
My advice would be to do that course as long as you have a career (increase earning potential) ahead of you and find a hobby. Get off social media and phone scrolling--exacerbates MH issues, IMO.

Hey OP you are doing amazingly - even if it doesn't feel like it right now - you have a job, home and a child who you're caring for and it's hard doing that on your own. It's really hard to pull yourself out of depression but I think going to Dr again should be first step and look at diet too - there's increasing support for the idea that depression can be related to poor diet (too many UPFs).
It feels sooooo overwhelming right now so getting better will be baby steps - your life will improve and you will feel positive but accept it will take time and get all the help you can

There are lots of people like me who give stuff away so if you want to decorate, get new furniture have a look on fb marketplace and on freegle.

What size are you?