‘What do you do on Mat Leave or a SAHM’

[Notsoyummymummy2]

My DH have just had (another) argument in which it ends in him saying ‘I don’t know what you do all day/I do everything around the house/you don’t do anything’. This stemmed from me having to go to the supermarket this evening (so there wasn’t much food in for tea) instead of during the day as my car was blocked in by another driver.

He fails to recognise that Mat Leave is exists for a reason, and having a little one at home is often busy.

Yet again, he has insinuated that I’m sat around all day, whilst he slogs away at work and brings in money to fund the lifestyle I want.

Obviously this isn’t true in the slightest, and he has a tendency to make ridiculous generalisations in an argument. We both have the exact same job and in no way lead a lavish lifestyle.

I believe I do EVERYTHING with regards to the children/home/family and he in turn works/takes out the bins and does the dishwasher once a day.

We have a ten month old DD who is at home with me all the time (doesn’t like to nap) and a 2.3 year old DD at nursery three days a week. I am going back to work next month, and my DH works 4 days a week.

I know it will vary hugely, but if you are a SAHM or or Mat Leave, what ‘house/family stuff do you do’? I don’t know if I should be doing more or less?

Thank you!

Keeping a child alive and well

bet that’s more than he does

it’s not your role to also do all the housework and cooking - that should be shared

Mat leave and SAHM are very different imo.

Mat leave is looking after baby, SAHM i think more of tge household stuff should be done

Depends on the child's personality and age. Most of my days at home are preventing bodily harm/attempted murder, settling arguments over toys and have the aim of everybody fed, nobody dead.

If I've only got 1 child I can make progress with the washing and other chores l, or if they're playing nicely rather than constantly fighting.

I agree with PP, Mat Leave and SAHM are very different. I think as a SAHM if your partner is working full time, paying the bills, buying what everyone needs etc then you should do the majority of household chores etc. However on mat leave it's different babies can be very full on although I do think babies get easier as they get older, my DS is 7 months now and my house is always clean, washing done etc and we go out every day. DP usually makes a bit of dinner for him and I when he comes home and might do some washing but I'm happy enough with our situation. I don't think it would be fair to expect him to work and do loads at home especially now when DS is a little older and we have no night feeds etc. When I go back to work it will be 50/50 as much as it can be.

I was on ML, went back for a bit then became a sahm. My dh never, ever, ever asked me such questions. I would never have become a sahm if he even breathed something like that. ML is looking after your new baby, recovering and doing any chores if you get the chance. Even now I'm a sahm with a primary aged dc, I am retraining but having lots of time to myself and my dh has never asked or made me feel like I'm lazy. Your baby is at a busy stage and you also have another. I can imagine how busy it is! He sounds so lazy and disrespectful.

I remember arranging with my mum to have my baby one day, so I could get a chance to un-fuck my house. And as I was leaving their house, my Dad handed me his jumper to darn as I’d be home alone “with nothing else to do”. Seriously...

I've been a SAHM a long time now and have teens, but when they were little, I was focused on the kids in the day - especially when they were the ages yours are OP. They was enough! We used to have friends over or go to their houses; or go out somewhere else; or go to baby / toddlers groups. That type of thing. I had a cleaner in for 5 hours twice a week. I would usually make dinner, but often DH would be out on business in the evenings or abroad. So basically, on those nights, just chilled.

Your DH is being ridiculous. He has no idea of the physical and emotional drain of being with young kids.

If he wants certain food in or whatever, tell him to do an Ocado delivery or similar. Also get a cleaner if you can. You have enough on.

How dare he speak to you like that. You are keeping his children alive and well. He should try it for months on end. Idiot.

That (not they) was enough!

Um - just book a day out with family/friends so DH is left with the kids. I guess he can find out what you do??? Find out how many chores he gets done in that time.

Mat leave it should be 50/50, I'd say SAHM to older kids you should probably do more through the week (or when yoir partner is working) but 50/50 at weekends.

I see it as DP works at his job and while he does I work at all the home stuff (which covers childcare, house keeping, admin etc) when he is home we BOTH continue to work until everything is done. We have a understanding that neither of us sit down (so to speak) until the other one can aswell.

It took a while but DP understands my "job" as SAHM covers a variety of roles and that if I didn't furfill these roles either the house would fall to bits or he'd have to hire help which would be classed as a real job. It took me "leaving him to it" a few times with the kids for a day for this to really sink in.

He doesn't work so you can stay at home, you stay at home so he can work!

I too would leave him with the 2 dc for a weekend whilst you go away, and remind him that you are expecting him to do some laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking of meals too, as he does from you.
Then have the discussion again.

I mean, in fairness, before I had dc1, I too thought there would be plenty of time in the day and did wonder how anyone could claim looking after a baby was a full time job....... I don't think it is an unusual perception from someone who hasn't done it.

If he works 4 days a week what does he do in his day off?

I'm a SAHM and I do pretty much everything around the house, including shopping and cooking. However, as others have said, it's different to mat leave. I'm at home with my toddlers. They are still bloody tiring but it's a bit easier to get on with household chores than it would be if I had a new baby attached to my boobs 24/7. You have a bit more of a routine, and tend to have your hands free, and you're running on more sleep.

When my kids were babies, I would do what I could around the house, which wasn't anywhere near as much as I do now. DH had to do a lot of tidying and laundry when he got home from work, and we ate lots of take aways and frozen pizza. I would usually be stuck on the sofa breastfeeding or rocking. Those two activities alone probably took up about 18hrs a day, if not more!

The rare moments I had "free" I would often fall asleep without even meaning to. My babies weren't good sleepers and I was horrendously sleep deprived, to point where I didn't even like driving anywhere because I knew I might fall asleep at the wheel. This made going shopping unlikely, most days.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick.