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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date multiple people at the same time

22 replies

BrokenAndAfraid · 13/07/2022 21:49

I'm recently single and trying dating sites. I did meet someone I liked and dated him for a few months but it didn't work out. Been discussing it with my bestie who says I shouldn't just focus on one guy - I should keep my options open and see where it goes as I'm 35 and not getting any younger so why out so my energy into just one person until they are ready to commit.
so is it reasonable to date multiple me at the same time???

OP posts:
EndersGame · 13/07/2022 21:52

As long as you are honest with everyone - I see no issue. It the lies that hurt.

TRAPPPED · 13/07/2022 21:53

Absolutely fine as long as you're honest with everyone involved. Even if you don't explicitly agree to be exclusive, if you lead someone to believe you are when you aren't then that can end up being a really difficult and hurtful situation (for everyone involved).

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2022 21:55

Shagging multiple men means you have to be honest and open. Bear in mind the risks of STIs and if a surprise pregnancy happened, how would you manage that?

IME when it's the right bloke you don't want to date a few. But whatever works.

Besttobe8001 · 13/07/2022 21:55

It's really up to you, as long as you're honest and respectful with everyone. I do tell people if I'm sexually active with more than one person at a time.

You'll have a load of pearl clutchers telling you that when they met their husband 156 years ago you only dated one person at once and it's 'grim' otherwise etc but that really isn't how things are now, so make your own rules.

KittyEmK · 13/07/2022 21:58

YANBU! Have loads of fun x

IsAnyoneActuallyListening · 13/07/2022 22:01

It's not unreasonable, but will this apply to the few/several men you date? If you have a relationship with 3 men, say, and they each have 2 or 3 other women on the go, will that be ok with you?

As long as everyone uses precautions against STDs and unwanted pregnancies, it's ok.

Jsy7 · 13/07/2022 22:06

As long as you don’t mind them seeing others and are open then no problem. Obviously you need to protect yourself against STI’s if you are doing this. I agree though. Why commit to one at this stage.

FlissyPaps · 13/07/2022 22:09

Dating is essentially getting to know someone.

It’s not unreasonable at all.

Definitely keep your options open until someone you are set on comes along and they make it clear that they feel the same.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/07/2022 22:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2022 21:55

Shagging multiple men means you have to be honest and open. Bear in mind the risks of STIs and if a surprise pregnancy happened, how would you manage that?

IME when it's the right bloke you don't want to date a few. But whatever works.

I mean, she said ‘date’ not ‘shag’. No need to put the cart before the horse!

KangFang · 13/07/2022 22:11

I don't see why not.
Men do it all the time.
Even when they're married.

Kite22 · 13/07/2022 22:25

It's not unreasonable, but will this apply to the few/several men you date? If you have a relationship with 3 men, say, and they each have 2 or 3 other women on the go, will that be ok with you?

This.
I mean, in theory, as long as everyone is being honest with each other and each of the people concerned are happy with it, then up to you, but, call me old fashioned, but being in a relationship with someone would mean only seeing them, and them only seeing me for me. I think if you like someone, it would be difficult to think you are in a queue to see them each week with several other people. Wouldn't appeal to me.

SarahSissions · 13/07/2022 22:27

go for it.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 13/07/2022 22:29

Absolutely. It’s called rotational dating. Smart to date like that and let the best guy win out. When I did it there was no sex though. It was just dating. I wasn’t up front about it but I didn’t lie either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2022 22:37

I mean, she said ‘date’ not ‘shag’. No need to put the cart before the horse!

And I was deliberately talking about shagging.

Just seeing a few people for dinner, you can keep schtum. Once you're shagging, you need to be open.

Also I shagged fairly early on. No sense investing a lot of time in a crap shag!

Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 13/07/2022 22:51

I also like to shag early on now. I waited with my ex and then when I was in love and finally did it was a bit of a disappointment - he was very selfish in bed it was only ever all about him

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 13/07/2022 23:02

Not for me personally couldn’t be sleeping with different people like that but it’s up to you and mostly people do this now unless they’ve had the exclusive chat

Melonapplepear · 16/11/2022 00:08

Idk people keep mentioning shagging she clearly means dating. I'm kind of jealous people are finding multiple men worth dating though, I can't even find one 😭

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/11/2022 00:10

If you don’t mind them doing the same, why not?
take care of your sexual health though.

Motherofalegend · 16/11/2022 00:34

I had loads of first dates when I was OLD, didn’t have sex with them all and when I connected with one, I didn’t date any others/have sex with any others.

tbh it was good fun and did loads for my confidence, but I did get a bit bored after and had dating fatigue (maybe be pickier than I was?!) 😅

NickEccles · 16/11/2022 00:51

Pearl Clutchers! LOL 😀😀

Cw112 · 16/11/2022 01:01

I think it's fine provided you're upfront about it with everyone you date from the get go. But I would also then be prepared that it may be a turn off for a guy who only dates one person at a time. I also think it depends on how much you invest. I met dh online and would have spoken to a few guys at a time but wouldn't have gone on a second date without closing the others off. But then I also would have tended to like one more than the others and then questioned if I was giving them a fair shot in their own right. So I think you do what's right for you and just be open about it.

Vikinga · 16/11/2022 01:25

It doesn't work for me. When I did OLD a few years ago I spent quite a while getting to know them and only arranged to meet if I click with them. I think I met about 10 men and had relationships with 3 (I'm still with the 3rd one).

It takes me a while to feel attraction and it isn't about looks so the high volume thing would never work for me.

If it does for you then that's fine.

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