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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset about angry neighbour

36 replies

Confusedandanxiety · 12/07/2022 23:14

I live on a social housing estate in London. My garden fence was blown down in the spring storms, when I had reported the repair to the housing association and they eventually came to fix it last week.

On Sunday a neighbour who is also a tenant of the housing association knocked on my door. I said hi and smiled but he didn't respond. He said "have you had your fence done?". I responded "yes, the housing association did it". He then said that he had CCTV and they had put the fence panels and concrete posts and some tree branches in his skip, that he had taken the tree branches out and put it in the communal area between our houses, and if the rest wasn't removed by Tuesday he would dump it on my driveway. I said I didn't know that had happened, but I would contact the housing association on Monday to explain what their contractor had done and ask them to remove it. I also restated it wasn't a private builder I'd arranged myself, but a housing association repair. He then repeated if it wasn't gone by Tuesday it was going on my driveway. I replied that I would definitely contact them.
My next door neighbour opened their door then he said hello to her in a friendly manner and walked off.
It's hard to get it across written down, but his tone was basically really angry and intimidating, even after I'd explained.
He directed his anger at me (instead of the housing association contractor) for something that I didn't know anything about so the whole thing was a shock.

I felt scared and jittery, it reminded me of when I was in a DV situation years ago, I went inside and cried.

I thought it was unfair to threaten to put it on my driveway and effectively punish me as the housing association contractor had put it in his skip and I didn't know about this. I was frustrated because it's out of my control when they would remove the stuff from his skip. I was worried about how I would lift the stuff off my driveway to get my car out if they didn't remove it. I live here with my daughters, an don't have another adult as support.
The housing association is also his landlord so he will know how things go with them and what they are 'like' with the time it take to do repairs.
It sounds ridiculous but it also really upset me the way he was angry with me when I didn't know anything about it and hadn't done anything wrong, but switched to being super friendly with our neighbour.

I contacted the housing association on Monday and fortunately they arranged for their contractor to remove the rubbish and they called the neighbour (they have his details as he's also their tenant) to apologise for what their contractor had done and say it would be removed.

I'm still upset and on edge when the doorbell rings two days later. I haven't seen him since but the skip is still there, and I'm worried there might be stuff in there that he will dump on my driveway or come to my house again. I do have anxiety disorder so accept these worries may be unfounded!

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 12/07/2022 23:25

No advice but sorry to hear that op, he sounds like a total twat and it would have upset me as well.

darisdet · 12/07/2022 23:30

I agree he was a twat. No need at all for that behaviour, especially after explaining you knew nothing about it and offering to call the housing association.

MargotMoon · 12/07/2022 23:30

He's a bully, he should have contacted the HA himself, or tackled the workmen if he saw them doing it. I would feel shaken up by that situation too.

Is your other neighbour someone you could confide in and ask her for moral support if he gets intimidating again?

Suzi888 · 12/07/2022 23:37

I can see it from both sides (I can see why he’s angry, but his reaction was OTT).
His anger should be redirected towards the HA.
Try and forget about it, not a lot you can do, the guy is a bit of a twat.

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 23:37

OP He sounds like one of those men who consider women to be beneath him. If you had a husband he would probably have been polite.
In future keep your distance from this idiot, and log anything down that he does which you consider to be antisocial or intimidating towards you.

user1471457751 · 12/07/2022 23:44

His behaviour is ott but I can see why he's pissed off. There was no need for him to be aggressive.

Did you really not notice where the contractors were dumping your rubbish? I wouldn't have blamed him if he did dump it back on your drive. It was your rubbish being fly tipped in his skip - why shouldn't he return it to you? He's paid for it and has probably planned his time to have a clear out, through no fault of his own his plans got disrupted.

Heartofglass12345 · 12/07/2022 23:53

He sounds like a twat, it wasn't your fault!

When I was 22 I was moving into my first flat by myself, my stepdad and brother in law helped me move in. There was nowhere on the road to park without blocking it, so they parked on some grass next to the road just to take the boxes up (I didn't have much stuff) this man had obviously been watching us and waited until they were in the flat and I was on my own outside and came out of his house shouting at me about them parking on the grass, he was really shouting and I have the same issues as you from witnessing do when I was younger. I went back inside and just burst into tears, he obviously purposefully waited until the 2 men I was with had gone inside before he had a go at me.
I'm glad you got it sorted but I can see why you're upset, I can't stand men like him!

Heartofglass12345 · 12/07/2022 23:54

Witnessing *DV that was meant to say

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/07/2022 00:39

Nope I’m on team neighbor. Regardless that it wasn’t a private contractor it was a contractor their on your behalf. You were the one who needed to fix it. Which you did by calling.

Get over it, you inconvenienced him and he let you know about it.

MrsClatterbuck · 13/07/2022 02:22

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/07/2022 00:39

Nope I’m on team neighbor. Regardless that it wasn’t a private contractor it was a contractor their on your behalf. You were the one who needed to fix it. Which you did by calling.

Get over it, you inconvenienced him and he let you know about it.

You sound nice. He didn't go about it the right way. As someone who also was a tennant of the HA he knew the score and could have politely informed the op without getting angry. There was absolutely no need to be nasty about it.

leilall · 13/07/2022 02:40

He sounds like a right assh*. I work for a housing association and yes some of these contractors are lazy and useless. Which is no fault of your own. But all your neighbour needed to do was communicate in a decent manner. He should apologise! If he ever knocks on your door again I wouldn't even answer to him. And if you ever feel he is making threats call 101 get a log reference number. And go back to your housing association with it and report him.

leilall · 13/07/2022 02:48

@saltinesandcoffeecups
She is the tenant. I doubt she was outside with the tradesman watching him do the job. How would she know, where the tradesman disposed of his material.

If you work in social housing, you should know how crap some of these tradesmen are and how 'some' of them like to cut corners.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/07/2022 02:50

MrsClatterbuck · 13/07/2022 02:22

You sound nice. He didn't go about it the right way. As someone who also was a tennant of the HA he knew the score and could have politely informed the op without getting angry. There was absolutely no need to be nasty about it.

Not sorry, (and am nice, thank you very much) I just don’t see every interaction between a man and a woman as a threat. The Op, says they have anxiety + a history of DV. Of course that’s going to color her perception, it would anyone. But that doesn’t mean he was overly aggressive or out of line. Typically those who are don’t turn and exchange pleasantries with other people in the middle of angry ranting.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/07/2022 02:53

leilall · 13/07/2022 02:48

@saltinesandcoffeecups
She is the tenant. I doubt she was outside with the tradesman watching him do the job. How would she know, where the tradesman disposed of his material.

If you work in social housing, you should know how crap some of these tradesmen are and how 'some' of them like to cut corners.

And yet he accepted her solution of calling the council. It’s still her causing the situation regardless of her intention. I missed the part where I said she did it intentionally… or the part where he accused her of doing it intentionally?

Noticingb · 13/07/2022 02:54

He has had to pay for a skip. Now it’s filled with your stuff instead of his stuff.

and if he wants to put his stuff in it - and presumably he does since he’s paid for a skip - he’s now got to move your stuff out of it himself, since clearly you weren’t offering to do it.

he didn’t need to be aggressive but I can see why he was annoyed. No it’s not fair to you but it’s not fair to him either that your problem became his problem.

FrozZen · 13/07/2022 03:00

I think you need to frame this whole aibu differently. How will you deal with a similar situation next time? Cos for sure, something similar will happen again... That's life!

You weren't in the wrong, the situation has been dealt with by the HA, and you have had time to think about how you could/should have responded.

That would be how I would go forward. And you Can! There is no point being fearful of what might have happened, or could happen, Ifs, buts and maybes.

The biggest survival lesson from dv for me is to not assume every other person intends to do the same. I react differently to people now I understand that, have learned to spot red flags, narcissists etc. Pls so the freedom programme if you can.

PinkSyCo · 13/07/2022 03:16

I don’t blame him for being pissed off but there was no need for him to take it out on you, especially after you had explained the situation. A decent man, now he’s had time to calm down and reflect on his behaviour would apologise to you if they’d been overly aggressive, but then again perhaps due to anxiety and your past you are just being a bit over sensitive to a man coming to your door with a quite justified grievance. Either way I’m sorry the incident made you feel the way it did, but just try to put it behind you and stop worrying about it now.

SpiritRidingFree · 13/07/2022 03:16

He sounds like a dick. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you see him dumping the trash on your property, take pics, and report to HA and log with the police.

Edwardoo · 13/07/2022 03:24

They're very cheeky to have left it on his property and skip. Skips cost a fortune so I get why he is annoyed. It's right that it should go on your drive because where else could he leave it? He needs to use the skip. He can't leave all this crap on public highway (pavement) and it is your stuff. It doesn't matter whether he was a private builder or not, you were around you should have overseen what they're doing and told them not to and you are the one who needs to contact the HA to sort it out I get why he's annoyed I'd feel the same. You should be the one removing the rubbish out of his skip now he has an extra hassle and task of removing shit he didn't put in there. He was nice enough to give you time to sort it out. If you're physically able to you should remove that crap from his skip and leave it on your drive and take it up with the HA.

Londonderry34 · 13/07/2022 03:31

Why is England so full of angry people? The contractors were wrong to fill up his skip. He should have explained calmly and reasonably and the OP should not have been upset - not her fault. This is the stuff of living together. Don't fret OP, he has poor communication skills. Enjoy your home.

Shedcity · 13/07/2022 03:38

Perhaps he’s annoyed the op basically told him to sort it out himself
since they both know how long the HA take. It’s clear they wouldn’t sort it by Tuesday.
and the op made it clear she wouldn’t be helping him remove things from the skip.

so this poor guy who probably has plenty of other things to do now has to take time clearing ops crap out of his skip.

romdowa · 13/07/2022 05:01

Shedcity · 13/07/2022 03:38

Perhaps he’s annoyed the op basically told him to sort it out himself
since they both know how long the HA take. It’s clear they wouldn’t sort it by Tuesday.
and the op made it clear she wouldn’t be helping him remove things from the skip.

so this poor guy who probably has plenty of other things to do now has to take time clearing ops crap out of his skip.

It's not her crap, it's the housing associations crap , he should have gotten angry with them instead 🙄

Georgeskitchen · 13/07/2022 06:20

Surprising how many MMers think threatening and intimidating women is acceptable.

barbrahunter · 13/07/2022 07:14

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 23:37

OP He sounds like one of those men who consider women to be beneath him. If you had a husband he would probably have been polite.
In future keep your distance from this idiot, and log anything down that he does which you consider to be antisocial or intimidating towards you.

I agree with this. What happened was nothing to do with OP, and she explained this. He continued bullying her, though. There's a certain type of man who enjoys intimidating women on their own, and he's one of them. Ignore the others here who seem to think it's ok for him to speak to a lone woman like he did.

FangsForTheMemory · 13/07/2022 07:22

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/07/2022 02:50

Not sorry, (and am nice, thank you very much) I just don’t see every interaction between a man and a woman as a threat. The Op, says they have anxiety + a history of DV. Of course that’s going to color her perception, it would anyone. But that doesn’t mean he was overly aggressive or out of line. Typically those who are don’t turn and exchange pleasantries with other people in the middle of angry ranting.

So you’re saying the OP felt threatened because the neighbour was a man. She didn’t say so. Also you’re implying that she’s lied about what happened.

Stop trying to control the narrative to suit your own agenda.

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