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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bad mothers go to rehab!!

20 replies

Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:06

I've been silly enough to have a conversation with my ex who says he wants me back, and it got heated. I don't like his son who is abusive to women. I can't put up with my exes behaviour when he drinks, sometimes falling over, breaking stuff, getting injuries. As I stopped drinking many years ago my ex has never seen me drink. I needed rehab to get off the bottle.

I got a number of texts tonight, accusing me of being a bad mother for abandoning my son while I went to rehab, My son was 18, was in the home with plenty of everything and a really supportive friends and family network inclding hsi Dad, while I was gone. My son is hugely proud of me and our relationship is closer than ever. Of course, I'm hugely proud of him.

My ex always said he was proud of me getting off the booze but what a pile of crap that was. This is why he's been trying to get me into pubs so often. Tonight I think the truth came out for the first time. He thinks I am a bad mother for going to rehab and indoctrinated because I still go to AA.

My ex has been trying to get me into pubs a couple of times a week when we were together, initially I went for a couple of hours drinking coke but it's boring when everyone else is drunk so I stopped going. My exes friends in his regular pub are a bunch of serious hardened drinkers.

He has ripped the urine into me for being indoctrinated. I did give some crappy texts back and have now blocked him. I am grateful in a weird way that his true colours have come out.

AIBU to think he's wrong to slate someone for getting sober and getting their lives back on track because they are a mother who needed rehab? I work now, have my own house, car, friends, family who are genuinely proud of my sobriety

Or is this how people really think and cover it up to your face?

OP posts:
TooMinty · 12/07/2022 22:12

I think he's a dick and he's just using this to get at you. If it wasn't this, it would be whatever else he could scrape up as an insult or to get in your head. Block him and be glad he's an ex x

Original poster
Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:14

It has done me a favour really as I've finally had the courage to block him and am feeling strong enough this time to keep him blocked.

Such a shame thought he was a soul mate but got that wrong, the last six months have been hell.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 12/07/2022 22:16

You should be incredibly proud of yourself for quitting alcohol but also leaving that loser. I can’t imagine either was easy.
He’s retaliating to the hurt of you not wanting him back by using the most obvious way to hurt you.

Bad mothers don’t go to rehab because they don’t care about their children. You did the opposite.

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 22:16

Is he a drinker himself @Mememene ?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/07/2022 22:17

My DM went to rehab and it was the best thing she's ever done.

It saved her relationship with her children and saved her life.

I am so so proud of her. Nobody wants to be an alcoholic and a lot don't manage to get off it. She's now 9 years sober.

You should be proud of yourself OP.

Original poster
Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:29

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/07/2022 22:16

You should be incredibly proud of yourself for quitting alcohol but also leaving that loser. I can’t imagine either was easy.
He’s retaliating to the hurt of you not wanting him back by using the most obvious way to hurt you.

Bad mothers don’t go to rehab because they don’t care about their children. You did the opposite.

I've really struggled to get over him, every piece of common sense, said run for the hills, but it was hard. I wanted the feelings that I had for him in the first two and a half years back but he's killed them and I don't think you can go back when the trust has gone.

He wasn't unfaithful but he was going to take out his SGD aged 14 (I think's that how Mum's netters say it), drinking at the request of the SGD's parents The parents had already bought her drinks. I was livid but got blamed by the son and ex for being unreasonable in voicing my concerns. I left him after that. But staying away has been a struggle.

I think after this is will need a lot less will power to stay away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:32

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 22:16

Is he a drinker himself @Mememene ?

He drinks and gets drunk, falls over, breaks things and hurts himself. He goes out two or three times a week with a bunch of hardened drinkers. I wouldn't have him live in my house, though financially it would have made sense, because he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't be falling over and breaking my house up.

Not a chance so he never moved in. Yes he's a drinker, apparantly it was a large part of what cost him his first marriage to a lovely lady. He's in his 50's so not much hope he'll change now (not that he wants to).

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:35

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/07/2022 22:17

My DM went to rehab and it was the best thing she's ever done.

It saved her relationship with her children and saved her life.

I am so so proud of her. Nobody wants to be an alcoholic and a lot don't manage to get off it. She's now 9 years sober.

You should be proud of yourself OP.

Rehab saved my life and taught me how to have a great sober life. I have had to leave him to keep my life. If I followed him to the pub often enough I'd end up picking up a drink and that just can't happen.

Well done to you DM, like you said rehab builds families back up that alcohol to excess has destroyed. So pleased for you all. xx

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/07/2022 09:04

@Mememene you have done the right thing. My Mum had to leave her 'drinking buddies' because all they were interested in was taking her to the pub and trying to get her to drink. That's not a real friend.

She's learnt who her real friends are, she's made some fantastic new ones and for the first time in my life I've got a happy Mum who isn't killing herself.

Ignore your ex - he obviously isn't worth it. Enjoy your new sober life with your son xx

pointythings · 13/07/2022 09:40

He can't handle your success - your sobriety, your work and most of all your relationship with your son. Deep down he knows he has a major drink issue but he isn't ready to tackle it, so lashes out at you. I'm glad you're staying away and I wish my mum had gone to rehab instead of spending her last few years drinking, falling over, ending up in hospital, rinse and repeat.

adorablecat · 13/07/2022 09:56

Sounds like he is jealous because you have managed to get control of your addiction and he has not. Better not to engage with him at all.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 13/07/2022 09:58

He is just saying it to you hurt you. You did well to seek help and sort yourself out. Best thing you could have done for your kids.

Stay away from him, don't engage. It's the only way.

Wotsitagain · 13/07/2022 10:00

I agree that he's jealous about the fact you managed to get yourself into a sober, happy place. I doubt he actually believes anything he's said to you about being a bad mother, he's just bitter because he see's you're where he should be. Misery loves company.

10HailMarys · 13/07/2022 10:19

OF COURSE your ex is wrong.

He's saying these things for two reasons:

  1. He's angry that he's been dumped and he wants to hurt you.

  2. You have achieved something that he could never do, by stopping drinking. He is an alcoholic, but he is telling himself that his drinking is normal, and your sobriety is a constant reminder to him that it's not. He resents any negative view of drinking because he wants to drink all the time. He knows full well that you are better than him and he reacts to that by being a complete shit.

No sane person would think you were a bad mother for going to rehab. You did exactly the right thing for your family and for yourself. You are also doing the right thing by going to AA meetings. And you did the right thing by dumping him.

Here's the thing: your ex WANTS you to fall off the wagon. Instead of thinking 'My drink problem is ruining my relationship, so I should try to stop' he is thinking 'If only Mememene had a drink problem too, she wouldn't be able to complain about mine - maybe I could drive her to start drinking again by making her think she was a bad mother to stop in the first place and that AA is just brainwashing her.'

Your ex is a horrible, weak, selfish man and he resents the fact that you are a lovely, strong, kind woman who did the right thing for her family by going to rehab. Don't ever speak to him again. He's vile.

Original poster
Mememene · 13/07/2022 10:23

pointythings · 13/07/2022 09:40

He can't handle your success - your sobriety, your work and most of all your relationship with your son. Deep down he knows he has a major drink issue but he isn't ready to tackle it, so lashes out at you. I'm glad you're staying away and I wish my mum had gone to rehab instead of spending her last few years drinking, falling over, ending up in hospital, rinse and repeat.

I have seen too many good people's lives taken by alcohol such a waste. I'm so sorry that you went through that. It nearly took my life 7;years ago but I managed to stop. I have a wonderful life now.

His numbers are blocked but he has left an apology on my VM. That's something I guess, but for my own sobriety I'm not engaging this time.

Note to self, stay strong.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/07/2022 10:27

Did you post the other week while still with him? I've put YABU for getting back In touch with him. He's abusive and will draw you back in. You aren't going to get over him by contacting him. He's going to look years older than he is within a few years, if he doesn't already. I've chosen to drink around once a month for my health. I love a drink, but once you are over 50 you need to be aware of how you want to age. He doesn't want to change, so why did you message him?

Original poster
Mememene · 13/07/2022 11:19

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2022 10:27

Did you post the other week while still with him? I've put YABU for getting back In touch with him. He's abusive and will draw you back in. You aren't going to get over him by contacting him. He's going to look years older than he is within a few years, if he doesn't already. I've chosen to drink around once a month for my health. I love a drink, but once you are over 50 you need to be aware of how you want to age. He doesn't want to change, so why did you message him?

He contacted me and asked to talk then it blew up, after I said no chance we could get back together. A mistake but in another way also a blessing as the true feelings about me came out from him. It confirmed I can't go back to him but gave me yet another reason to stay away.

OP posts:
Snoredoeurve · 13/07/2022 11:23

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2022 10:27

Did you post the other week while still with him? I've put YABU for getting back In touch with him. He's abusive and will draw you back in. You aren't going to get over him by contacting him. He's going to look years older than he is within a few years, if he doesn't already. I've chosen to drink around once a month for my health. I love a drink, but once you are over 50 you need to be aware of how you want to age. He doesn't want to change, so why did you message him?

Agree with this.
Stop thinking whos right/ wrong and just bin him off.
While you still questioning yourself about this loser, you are still hooked.

LookingandThinking · 13/07/2022 11:26

Well done for getting sober. You are a great role model to your family and friends.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 13/07/2022 16:37

You know you did the right thing for yourself and for your son by going to rehab and staying sober. Maybe your ex is jealous of the strength you have to do that, or maybe he wants to see you undo your hardwork and sobriety. Keep him out of your life, delete his phone number and don't try to contact him. Get a different phone no. if you need to.

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