To feel so down after having second child

[HotChocolate16]

Had my second child last week, he’s 1 week old on the dot today. I also had a 2 yr 4 month old. He is in nursery 5 days a week but I’m still struggling with the change from 1 to 2.

When my first child comes home from nursery, I am with him and the baby for a couple of hours and I find it so hard. My eldest son throws his toys around and acts out and a lot of the time it’s a case of protecting the baby from him. I end up shouting and becoming a horrible mum due to losing my patience with it all. Baby doesn’t like being put down either.

on top of this, I feel like I’m grieving my life with just my son. Things were easier, we were so close, we spent so much time together and it was great. Now I miss him loads, I feel like I’ve turned his whole world upside down. I feel bad I can’t give him my undivided attention as before. But then when I am with him and baby, as I said it’s a case of my losing my patience because he acts out and can’t be trusted near the baby sometimes. For example, today he threw a sprite can which I accidentally left on the side at me whilst I was holding baby. It was open and had drink left inside.

I feel so low and feel like things are now going to be hard forever. How am I meant to juggle 2 children? When do things get easier? When will I stop feeling so low about how great life was before.

I love my newborn so much. And love my eldest son so much also. However I’m struggling to see things get better with them both in the picture together.

I should add - I do have a partner however we are renovating our new house, which should be done in 2 weeks, so he is there as he does a lot of it himself. In laws around but they work and don’t really offer as much to help and I hate asking. I also don’t want people to just take my eldest son and leave my with baby when I actually want time with him

things just feel so incredibly hard right now. I find myself crying every single night about how I feel things are ruined now and will never get easier or better.

as I said, I love both my children, but just don’t know what is going on right now.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Please re-read the opening part of your post. You are one week post partum withbaby 2. Stop giving yourself such a hard time! You’re bound to be sleep deprived with hormones all over the place. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. You’re doing amazing if you’re even able to get out of bed at this stage!

This is all so new to you and things will get better. I think your DH should forget the renovations for a couple of weeks and be at home more supporting you all.

They’ll be best of mates in a year or so and it will be lovely seeing them grow up together.

I think what you're feeling is very normal, and having such a tiny newborn means you'll still have a sea of hormones swirling around.

It will get easier, I remember feeling the same, completely torn. Is your older child interested in helping, playing the role of super important big brother?

YANBU, I felt the exactly the same when I had my second and the age gap was exactly the same.

Felt like I’d ruined my eldests life and then felt guilty because I loved DC2 the same amount!

It gets better. Promise.

It is such early days OP! It will get easier. As PP said it’s only been a week & it will take time for you all to adjust.

It's so early! I'm three weeks in with DD2 and only just feel like I am working out a balance and able to do stuff with both of them. I find being out of the house helps because it keeps DD1 occupied more and means DD2 is often asleep in pram. In the house things are definitely a bit more fraught sometimes!

DD1 really likes to be involved with the baby stuff so I give her lots of jobs to do like fetching muslins, putting DD2's dummy back in, etc.

It's definitely an adjustment but things will get better

I have a bigger age gap and I definitely felt like this in the first few weeks. I felt incredibly guilty that I’d changed life for my eldest daughter and that I had ruined our little family. However, tiredness, hormones and change were hugely clouding everything. Give yourself a break and allow the dust to settle, you will find a rhythm eventually, promise. It’s vvv early days.

A week is such early days. Try very hard to include your DS1 in everything and sometimes it’s fine to put the baby down to give him some attention.

plan story time while you feed, ask him to help you change nappies and choose baby outfits. Praise him to the skies BUT also baby him a bit and allow him to regress for a while.

Try to get out and have some company when you can, strength in numbers. And remember this will pass. Very soon you’ll not be able to remember having one child. Really x

Two year age gap with my kids, and I felt I'd made a terrible mistake for quite some time.

Then when they got a bit older it suddenly became the best thing ever. (They are so close, and play together adorably).

I do look back and wonder how the fuck I coped with a baby and a toddler.

Give yourself (and your kid!) a chance to adapt. But if you still feel low consider post natal depression possible and seek help.

I know exactly how you feel- I felt like I was being a shit mum to both and the guilt about turning my eldest one's life upside down was so strong.
I'm now almost 8 months in and it's so much better - still hard to juggle sometimes and my maternity is so less chilled this time but I fe I'm a good mum to them both.
It probably took a good 6-8 weeks to start feeling like I wasn't playing catch up all of the time.
It's such early days for you, give yourself time, it will get easier as you all adjust and seeing the bond grow between your kids is just amazing

I get you OP.
I had 2 yrs 8 months between my DS's.
I resented the baby a little at first as it changed the close relationship I had with my PFB.
Then I felt guilty for baby being left in his bouncy chair whilst I was seeing to DS1.
Eventually we all fell into the new routine and things got easier. It is early days yet so be gentle with yourself and your feelings are entirely normal.

I felt exactly the same (19 month age gap).
My baby had some serious health problems and major surgery which took me away from my toddler for weeks at a time, the guilt was unreal and every day I thought what have I done.

But..... I promise it does get so much easier! It took my eldest daughter a few months to stop throwing stuff at baby so I had to just make sure there was nothing hard left lying around that could hurt baby. My youngest is now 15 months and the bond they have is amazing. When they start interacting and baby smiles up at toddler it makes it all worthwhile.
My 2 love each other so much and I can't imagine it being any other way now.

Mine are the exact same age gap and I remember how hard it was and how conflicted I felt when second arrived. Honestly you'll get into a rhythm with it all it just takes a bit of time. They're best friends now as teenagers. It's a period of adjustment. [Flowers]

Bless you, I could have written this myself 3 years ago. 20 months between my boys and I felt like I'd completely fucked up all of our lives by having number 2. He was a difficult baby and whilst I loved him, for some reason I just couldn't enjoy him in the same way as I did DS1. So I felt guilty about that, and I felt guilty about not giving as much to DS1 and all the worry that comes with that. I felt so, so down.

BUT, now they are 3 and 5 and it is just brilliant. It's still hard sometimes, but they are such fun. We went to the beach on Sunday and they were in the sea having the time of their lives. I had to stop and think back to those early days to realise how all that hard work had finally paid off.

You will do the same. It will feel like a long time away now, but it'll be here before you know it and you will be so so happy xxxx

2 is so much harder than I anticipated!!

Congratulations on your baby, be kind to yourself, it’s really hard 💐

Sending all the hugs and best thoughts - I could have written your post when DD was born. I got through by enlisting loads of help. I agree with PP that DH needs to step back from renovations for a week or two to be home with you establishing a new equilibrium.

DD was born into lockdown which didn't help as we couldn't go anywhere and the walls really closed in. You're in a similar situation perhaps with the heatwave, but if you can manage to get out and about (with a parent of a friend of your eldest?), it does get easier every time.

Something which really helped me was to have a sacred time with DS every day that was just me and him, no matter what else was going on. We chose bath and bedtime. I would feed DD and try to settle her with DH and then have a good 45 mins or an hour doing bath, stories, chatting and cuddles with DS. Even if DD fussed, DH would work as hard as it took to give us that time - he often bundled up in the pram for a walk. I think it helped DS to know that he didn't always come "second" to the babies needs and whilst there were occasions that I needed to step out to settle DD, I would always go back.

A baby and a toddler is really really tough, but it does get easier. Mine are 3.5 and 18m now and whilst I still have the odd moment with them, they are absolutely the best of friends and worship the ground the other walks on. It is so worth it.

Thank you everyone for your responses and kind words.

I know it is early days, I just feel so low all the time with it all. I find myself constantly thinking what the hell have I done , and then I feel so guilty because I love DC2 so much already. I just feel a bit trapped in a dark hole and there’s no way out. I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even 3 months seems so far away!

You are being so hard on yourself. One to two was harder than going from two to three for me. Your firstborn has been an only child so that is a massive adjustment for them. It’s very early but keep an eye on your mental health and it gets much easier - although if you do get more anxious and low in mood then do consider whether that needs some further support to get easier. I remember I asked when things improved quite pointedly and I don’t even know the answer it took me several months to adjust. Also I wish I’d realised just how little my first was. Don’t leave them alone together until your second is older ever even to go and quickly put something somewhere is my other tip.

My health visitor told me always to refer to the baby as your baby to them. And to ask them to decide small things like which comforter to give the baby and which nappy “the elephant one or the lion one”. I even got my eldest passing wipes during nappy changes.
Also give yourself a break you have a lot on your plate and it early days.

My two are 2yr 5 months apart. It was hard for a few months but they are now great friends and were not too bad as brother and sister over the years. My daughter became quite badly behaved but is fine now! Don't be so down on yourself.

@HotChocolate16 I'd recommend getting yourself a baby carrier. If you've got a sling library nearby they can be good to try a few out and get advice on fitting them properly. Personally I'd recommend something like a close caboo or an ergobaby embrace for the early days. Possibly a muslin ring sling would be good to try (especially in the heat), but they're a bit trickier to get the hang of compared to the close caboo or embrace.

I also recommend joining Baby Wearing UK on Facebook.

Hopefully having your newborn in a carrier and being hands free will make things easier. But I do agree with other posters that in time it will get easier. You're very early on and the adjustment is huge. My eldest was 2years old almost to the day (I missed his second birthday cause I was in hospital having just had his brother). It gets easier with time (although we do still have the odd rough patch).