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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not done anything to help him?

33 replies

Sweatinglikeabitch · 12/07/2022 17:26

I'm wfh with a 1yo. DH rings and asks me to look in the kitchen for his keys. There is a leak at a shop we let out, apparently coming from another shop we let out. Righto, can't find them. Remembers that oh. He left them in my car which is here so says "OK I'm rushing back."

So I just carried on cleaning up, working and looking after DS.

DH comes storming though the door, sends DS flying not looking where he's going, shouts at me something about "why are you like this" "you're setting me up." "I'm so sick of you" throwing stuff about, stomping about. Tries to grab crying DS out my arms. All a very kuchen unpleasant experience. Trying to get out of him what his problem is and apparently I should have known he needed my help and I should have opened the door and got his stuff ready and got DS out of the way. I.e known what he needed , when he was coming through the door and sorted it all out.

Pre DS that's what life was like. I scuttled round like his little army ant making his life possible, still getting told I wasn't good enough. But since 1. Being run off my feet, in pain and exhausted and 2. Him not being as helpful or caring after my emc that has resulted in lifetime pain from not healing because I didn't rest enough. I'm not doing it anymore. He throws his pants on the floor and that's where they stay. He loses his bank card, he finds it.

But in this situation, do you think I should/could have helped?

OP posts:
bambi1132 · 12/07/2022 17:35

Absolutely not. It will have taken a second for him to come in and grab the keys, you're not his maid! He sounds like a giant child

Indigokitten · 12/07/2022 17:35

Did you get the keys out of your car ready for him to take them?
Doesn’t excuse his behaviour tho

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2022 17:35

It sounds like your relationship is over. This was an emergency. I don't know anyone who would just carry on and not get the keys etc. You are holding on to a grudge and dragging your DS into this dysfunctional mess. Either have it out with him and get passed it, or split.

Fairislefandango · 12/07/2022 17:36

No, you should not have done anything beyond what you did. He sounds vile. I'm curious as to why you stayed with, and had a baby with, a man who already treated you this way. What made him think he needed or deserved a servant? What made you feel you needed to behave like one?

Whatever the reasons, you do not have to stay in a marriage with a man who sees you as a mere facilitator of his oh-so-important life. The fact that he not only knocked your child flying and then tried to grab him from you but also blamed you for not preemptively getting him out of the way is a massive red flag.

godmum56 · 12/07/2022 17:36

why did you have a child with this man?

IGotItInTheSales · 12/07/2022 17:37

And how can you WFH successfully with a baby to look after?

Circumferences · 12/07/2022 17:38

Yikes he sounds terrifying

Fairislefandango · 12/07/2022 17:39

This was an emergency. I don't know anyone who would just carry on and not get the keys etc.

Wtf?! What post were you reading? The OP looked for the keys and couldn't find them. The 'd'h then remembered where they were and came back to get them. Out of the car. How would the OP getting them out of the car and taking them into the house have helped?

Theladybirdthatsaidboo · 12/07/2022 17:53

He sent your child flying, then tried to grab him crying out of your arms, while shouting at his mother. That’s abusive and the unreasonable bit is that you are asking if you should have helped him get his keys out the car (no) and not how to leave him.

Indigokitten · 12/07/2022 18:12

Fairislefandango · 12/07/2022 17:39

This was an emergency. I don't know anyone who would just carry on and not get the keys etc.

Wtf?! What post were you reading? The OP looked for the keys and couldn't find them. The 'd'h then remembered where they were and came back to get them. Out of the car. How would the OP getting them out of the car and taking them into the house have helped?

I read it as OP remembered they were in her car 🤷‍♀️

Meraas · 12/07/2022 18:15

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2022 17:35

It sounds like your relationship is over. This was an emergency. I don't know anyone who would just carry on and not get the keys etc. You are holding on to a grudge and dragging your DS into this dysfunctional mess. Either have it out with him and get passed it, or split.

Stop the victim blaming please, it's sickening.

Fairislefandango · 12/07/2022 18:16

I read it as OP remembered they were in her car 🤷‍♀️

Confused It says "Remembers" (i.e. he remembers, not I remembers, which would make no sense) that he left them in my car.

Original poster
Sweatinglikeabitch · 12/07/2022 18:17

He remembered he'd left them in my car. I could have gone get them. Except I don't know where he left them. My DS cries every time I put him down still. I had loads to do in the house and work and because he refuses to sell a broken can blocking our driveway you have to squeeze through a small gap to get to my car which is not easy to do while carrying a child. But tbh it didn't even occur to me.

I had a child with him because I didn't realise the dynamic until I needed it to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweatinglikeabitch · 12/07/2022 18:23

I just felt like if he stopped losing his shit he wouldn't be in this mess. There is a bigger story, he's threatened to kill me but I can't leave because then he would.

I just keep getting frustrated with myself, I keep telling myself to keep him happy and me alive but I just keep failing

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 12/07/2022 18:25

Oh OP your update gave me chills. Is there no way you can get away from him safely?

SunshineAndFizz · 12/07/2022 18:28

I'd be telling him to f**k right off.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/07/2022 18:43

Sorry, say what now? He’s threatened to kill you, and you can’t leave because then he would?! You need to get yourself and your CHILD the hell away from this man op. Please seek help

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 12/07/2022 18:50

There is a bigger story, he's threatened to kill me but I can't leave because then he would.

This is so, so worrying! Please get help to leave.

FlissyPaps · 12/07/2022 18:54

There is a bigger story, he's threatened to kill me but I can't leave because then he would.

Please speak to WomensAid, the police, a solicitor - a professional. You cannot carry on with this man. He is obviously a danger to you and your child.

You and your child need safety.

FusionChefGeoff · 12/07/2022 18:55

Wooahhhh!!

You need to take action now - there are lots of wonderful agencies / charities who help women leave abusive and threatening relationships safely.

Please call Womens Aid

IncompleteSenten · 12/07/2022 18:56

Are you in the UK?
If your life is at risk you can be helped to escape.

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 12/07/2022 18:56

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence Support Webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

Original poster
Sweatinglikeabitch · 12/07/2022 19:27

I've asked before for help leaving and lots of people gave good advice. But there's no evidence he's ever been anything but calm and loving. I couldn't keep my son away from him. I've got a few years of trying to keep my head down and get my ducks in a row so I'm trying to do my best for him to keep myself safe really but I'm so strung out I'm struggling. Until my son is able to tell me what's happening and he's in school so I can work, I work for him atm hence the wft while looking after a baby, I was working right up until I went for my waters broken and within a week of giving birth. I'm shattered.

OP posts:
WestIsWest · 12/07/2022 19:32

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2022 17:35

It sounds like your relationship is over. This was an emergency. I don't know anyone who would just carry on and not get the keys etc. You are holding on to a grudge and dragging your DS into this dysfunctional mess. Either have it out with him and get passed it, or split.

She was working and it isn’t going to take long for him to grab the keys is it? Plus he’s a complete dickhead towards her!

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 19:41

OP have you posted before about him?

this sounds so familiar but that poster didn’t have a child back then.

please ring womens aid, and rights of women, you need to get out with your baby with the help of professionals who know how to deal with this.