Is that all there is?

[Apeiron]

40yo this year. Married. 1 dc (toddler). Employed. Stable decent living. And desperately unhappy.

Zero passion in my life - not that much remains between work, DC, house... feels like I've lived my entire 30s serving other people's needs (parents, husband, ILs), fulfilling expectations, running the rat race - and somewhere along the lines I lost myself and now i don't know what it means to be ME.

Then I remember vivacious, passionate 20yo me and can't connect to her at all. It is like I'm watching a movie which I vaguely remember seeing trailer for. Somewhere between that and this something must have happened and I am desperately searching what it was so that I can somehow turn things around but keep failing.

To be clear, I am not a fantasist - I know I can't have it back and it could never be the same but there must be more to life than this?

You sound a bit depressed. Objectively you've got a really good life a lot of people would dream of.

She doesn’t sound depressed.

You sound like you’re unhappy with the routine of life. You sound like you’re unhappy with roles of wife, mother, employee etc.

What dreams did you have as a 20 something? What did you want to do?

Try and find one thing just for yourself. Do you have an old hobby you'd like to restart? Somewhere you'd like to visit? An activity you'd like to try?

I recently joined a rock choir style group in my late 40's after not singing for 30 years, kids are teens, don't need me in the evenings and like you I was bored and unfulfilled. It's been so invigorating and rewarding. It's mine, just for me and I'm good at it. Having a toddler might make it a bit more difficult but I'm sure if you explain the depth and importance of your feelings, your dh would be supportive?

I recommend a hobby.

I love white water kayaking and skiing. I rarely do these things because of life/logistics but I feel so alive when I do these things. The memories of kayaking runs and the thought of paddling again makes me happy.

What do you do for yourself?

I felt like this in my 30s after having kids. Definitely recommend finding something you enjoy just for yourself.

@LadyCampanulaTottington - that is exactly it - on top feeling this way I feel exceptionally guilty because I actually achieved everything I set to achieve (career I wanted, marriage, kid after infertility battle, etc).

But... now that I'm here - I feel like all those achievements (sans one - my child which I deeply desired and adore) were someone else's, not mine. Like I was set on this path and just pushed, pushed, pushed until all boxes were ticked. I come from a former war zone and the only way for me to provide for myself and my family (I support my parents) was to go to a developed country to study/work. So everything was put on hold ('there'll be time for fun - let me just do this one thing, this other thing...) with the view that there'll be time after I secured a scholarship/job etc.. And now I'm 40 and there is no time - worse, I don't even know who I really am anymore. I became this box-ticking person without passion, without desires, without energy to do anything that is not purposeful or serves people around me.

@ColettesEarrings I used to do ballroom and latin dancing and miss that so much... but nowadays I barely have time to listen music, much less to dance.

@Skybyebye - nothing. I get up at 4-5am, do a round of laundry, tidy, cook, get ready for work, wake up DH and DC - make them breakfast, get DC ready for nursery while DH gets ready for work. He takes DC to nursery and I go to work. I come back between 6 and 7pm at which point its time to cook dinner (if I didn't in the morning), then its bath and bed time. Between 9 and 10pm we usually faint in front of the TV and then we sleep. Somewhere in between I also feed cats, take our dog for a walk etc. Weekends are family time. Once per month I go for manicure and pedicure which is 2h of me-time.

I can recommend a book - Untamed by Glennon Doyle. www.goodreads.com/book/show/52129515-untamed

The dancing is your hook. At least promise yourself you will look up 'adult ballroom and adult latin dancing classes in X town' by the end of this week. You are allowed to carve or this time for yourself. Whether that's dh doing the cooking and bedtime himself once a week or fortnight, or taking two hours one afternoon a weekend. You will have to make this happen for yourself you are allowed to, and you deserve to.

Nonsense. Just because a lot of other people would 'dream' of a life like the OP's that doesn't mean it's right for her. The OP makes it clear that she essentially has no time to do anything other than work and childcare - apart from one manicure a month she has no time to socialise, do things on her own, pursue interests and hobbies etc. A person doesn't have to be 'depressed' to feel down about that.

Were you expecting your life to be one long round of excitement? Life is humdrum, most of the time, for most people.

Which parts to of your life do you love? You mention your child - anything else? Re-visiting things you used to love (like your dancing) is a good start, but what do you care about now?

There will be things you can do, within the limits of your daily life, which allow you to connect with your passionate and vibrant self. She's still there, you just need to find her.

surely you can cut out the laundry and cooking at 5am! That’s insane to get up so early. Why isn’t your DH helping with those chores? If you didn’t get up as early you’d presumably be less tired in the evenings, so you could take up an evening hobby and leave the DC with DH for the night. See friends one afternoon over the weekend, a few hours out still leaves more than enough family time. I imagine you’re probably exhausted only getting 6 hours sleep a night which will probably affect your mood too.