To have drifted apart from so many friendships over the years?

[elzober]

Not friends with anyone from school days, sixth form or first uni I went to. Still in touch with a couple from second uni and see them maybe once or twice a year for a weekend and that's really enjoyable.

When I think of the friendships I had during education then some in my first workplaces, I realise that 99% just drifted away. I'm not the best at keeping in touch so once life moved on maybe we saw each other a bit initially then it fizzled out.

Then there's a few people I've basically ghosted as they were quite toxic and not people I wanted long term friendship with.

I'm not really super sad about it all but I wonder is it me? Do I not make much of an effort? Am I wired wrong when it comes to friendship? Two of the girls I was really friendly with at uni are still very close and consider each other best friends. They text every day and have helped each other through hard times. Up until about 5 years ago I was in more regular contact with them but post-pandemic it's so sporadic. One of them lives not far away and at one point I was keen to go and see her and rekindle but in some way it feels a bit forced. Our lives are so different now, not much in common so whats the point?

Part of me likes that Im very independent and prefers friendships that are low maintenance eg text every few weeks and meet up to do nice things together.

I think if I text every day with a friend about every detail of my life to get their advice and opinion I'd find it a bit draining tbh. When I need support I have a couple of family members or when life got more difficult Ive sought therapy, which is always helpful. I don't think I'd want friends knowing my personal business tbh as had some negative experiences in the past - maybe all of this is a trust issue with people?

Is it normal or unreasonable to drift from most friendships eventually and not really have any super close friends?

I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I’m exactly the same as you OP.

every so often I think I should make more of an effort to rekindle friendships but I just don’t seem to get round to it. I make friends easy enough but I’m not very proactive at keeping friendships going/staying in touch.

We should be friends OP, I'm exactly the same!

I'd love more friends but don't know how to get them. WFH even kills off meeting friends in the workplace now!

I'm also very similar. I have a best friend who I keep in touch with fairly regularly (for me anyway!) but she lives over 3 hours away so we don't see each other very often.

I make friends easily at work, am a friendly person at baby groups etc but I'm just not that fussed about having friends in my downtime. I like my husband's company and being at home and I see family (closest 2 hours away!) Lots and lots of friendships, both close and more casual have drifted away over the years.

I know people who keep every friendship they've ever had going and are on a constant whirl of social activity but it's not for me and I'm absolutely fine with that.

I don't know what's normal but I suspect as one gets older, friendships become fewer but of higher quality maybe?

Stop comparing. What's right for you may not be right for others.

Do you feel connected? Satisfied? Fulfilled? If not what do you need?

Probably pretty normal, especially when you have a partner which provides an in built 'friend'.
But the fact you are writing about in here must mean it bugs you a bit.
Sure there are 'situational' friends - those you pal around with when you are at the same workplace, your kids do the same sport, and so on, but there is not enough substance to maintain it once that common connection passes.
I'm a widow since my 40s. I'd consider myself an introvert quite happy in my own company. But I know the value of friends. When my husband died suddenly it was a friend who dropped everything (three young kids, worked full time) and stayed with me the first couple days. Do you have someone you can count on like that?
I then moved for a fresh start, and knew I needed to get out of my comfort zone and make some friends. And I did. Say four close and then four others that I meet with in a group. I also still have an old school friend I see every few years (we live in different countries but I saw her last week)! I couple from uni sporadically in touch with (again different countries), and a three or four from work I met 30+ years ago. Sure we have our own work, families, issues that mean we can't see each other like we did when younger, but we all make an effort. They enrich my life in incalculable ways. Some I see a few times every week, some once a year.
My youngest will move out for uni in a couple years. I think I would be pretty bereft if I didn't have my friends.

I was talking to a friend about this recently and she said that friendships don't just happen, they require effort being made and maintenance in the same way that anything you wish to keep long term does.

Same here. I keep in touch with a couple of friends from uni, but only see every few years. One friend from school, but again only see every few years. No friends from work. Most of my mixing is family or husband's friends partners.

I'm very similar. I speak to friends I went to college with maybe once a year.

I'm very happy in my own company though. I do have a few friends but find it a lot when they always want to meet up every couple of days I'm just not built that way or want to text every day, I run out of things to say. I'm much happier relaxing with DH and DC but I'm a die hard introvert.

Don't compare yourself with other people. What's right for you?

Over the years, I have been friends with / lost touch with loads of people. It used to upset me. Now, I realise they were eg congenial colleagues, rather than true friends. And that's fine. They were friends st that time of my life. It needn't last for ever

With longer lasting friendships, I think you get out what you put in. If you don't make the effort to keep in touch, invite people over etc, then those friendships may weaken

Also, post Covid, I think a lot of people are taling time to get back into the way of socialising

I'm so glad it's not just me! Generally I am ok with the status quo as I don't feel like I have any social/ friendship demands to keep up with but I suppose every so often I do just wonder if I'm 'normal' - probably unnecessary comparison when I see others wrapped up in multiple friendships and plastering it all over social media.

When I was younger I made a lot of friends who really weren't great. Very fairweather, not the sort who would be there when you needed them. One didn't help when I reached out for support after a relative died, a few others were very judgemental about a few relationship matters. Obviously all cut ties with now. I think a few if these experiences have just put me off and my filter and tolerance has narrowed over the years. In a way it's freeing to be this way

As people mature and stop over sharing, become truly independent they do tend to move away from friends. There's no real need to be connected to others as, ultimately, they are going to have their own priorities. It's not unfriendly, just necessary to rely on yourself, over time it's just surface level chat, which could be anyone.

@Onlyforcake I totally agree. I think when people are younger there's more of a need to be liked or popular but by the time you get a bit older and comfortable in yourself its just not a priority and easier to keep yourself to yourself

It does sound like it is you, you've admitted you weren't the best at keeping in touch.

Friendships need investments of time and emotional availability to keep alive, you don't seem very good at that part so no wonder people have drifted from you.

There are a lot of lonely women on MN who also don't invest in their friendships, I'd assess whether you'd like to end up like that in your later years. If you're not bothered then crack on, if you think you don't want to be left lonely in later life, maybe try more with people

God, I could have written this!

You guys should all become friends and slowly ghost each other

In seriousness, it’s all ok if you’re ok with how you are, and it sounds like you do feel comfortable with the level of intimacy in your life, but perhaps feel societal pressure to be different? Fuck that, live your life the way it suits you.

It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences so it’s understandable you don’t feel eager to invest in friendships again in the same way.

I’ve had bad experiences with friends (and I look back now and am agog at how much I allowed them to get away with) and a few amazing experiences. Friendship is love and there can be so much joy in it. My close friends mean so much to me. But - no one should feel pressurised to do or have certain things which run contrary to their true needs and true nature. You carry on OP.

Not unusual, also that people have different investments in friendships.

I often wonder if there is something about modern life that makes it harder to maintain friendships. We have so much else to entertain us. I suspect that's one of the reasons pubs are closing down and kid's playing fields are often empty. We have DVD boxsets, can order any book or film at the flick of a switch, have the internet, youtube, limitless songs...etc.

Personally, I have known very few people I'd be that bothered about staying in touch with. The majority are OK(ish), but very few are as entertaining as a good book.

If you are always growing as a person then you will probably grow away from your friends. You find new people for the next stage of your life.

Needing ‘stay in touch’ seems a bit forced.
At school/uni we interacted with people naturally, and did things outside of that as an extension.
To think about actively texting… or calling… strange to me.
Most of my parents’ generations friends all live nearby and meet at the pub etc.

Im the same as the OP, which is why I’m trying to find a regular , local hobby group. That’s so much more natural I find. See people for a purpose, then expand from there.