Tw: illness/infertility. Valid feelings or do I need my big girl pants?

[thequeenoftheandals]

I don’t know if it’s unreasonable if I’m feeling this low or whether I just need to put on my big girl pants on and just deal with the hand I’ve been dealt with.

DH and I have been trying for a baby for nearly 18m and we always knew we were in for a rough ride. He ha/ arthritis and I have stage IV endo. He takes many drugs/biologics to handle his daily pain as do I. When we met (over 10 years ago), babies and children were always a part of our long term plan. With my endo, fertility was always a question mark and early last years we stopped using birth control and I used all the apps/sticks you name it, in an attempt to get pregnant.

Alas it didn’t work.

We have been going to therapy for years (we started when our health took a turn) and I think it’s because of that, I think we’ve been able to stay united and support one another during this time. DH’s health during Covid and the lack of access to healthcare has meant that his health has gotten worse and the next step left for him on his current pathway means a drug which we have been advised is not suitable for viable pregnancies. I don’t want to put any innocent baby in danger and I need him to have some reprieve from
his pain, which means we probably have come to the end of our pregnancy journey. We have discussed adoption/fostering/donor sperm/donor egg and may look into this in the future. Right now I feel like I need to grieve this part of our journey before looking forward, if that makes sense?

Lots has been happening and it just seems like everyone around me is pregnant or having babies. My best friends; his best friends; our siblings; colleagues; cousins…and truthfully I’m so happy for everyone. My Aunt heart is bursting with happiness but my empty ‘mum’ heart still aches longs for my own child. Am I being ridiculous? I know it’s not in our hands…it may be the most sensible thing…this way we can focus on our respective health and I am so grateful we still have each other. But I just feel sad. Will I get over this feeling?

That dual feeling - sad for yourself/happy for others - is really, really hard - a complete head fuck tbh.
Be kind to yourselves. Letting yourself grieve. Giving yourself permission to absent yourself from certain situations. Those are good moves.

I'm sorry. It's perfectly natural for you to be sad about something you want so much and to struggle watching others be able to attain it. No big girl pants about it, this is something that is very hard for people. I hope that you will be able to make peace with your situation and it all works out for you somehow. Best of luck health wise

Thanks @Boxowine and @PicaK i think I had a late night moment! 💓

Is there any potential for sperm banking? I'm not sure whether the NHS would fund it, it might depend on the drug, but please ask.

I understand your endo diagnosis, but have you both had a fertility MOT at your GP? You are able to do this after 12m of trying. There is help and many treatments out there. We went down ivf route with success. I remember that hopeless feeling very well. I feel you're not ready to give up. Sperm can be stored before your husband starts his new treatment. Good luck.

I’m with @HouseHelp23 on this, first please do explore sperm storage which will give you both time to explore your options

you don’t need big girl pants, hugs and support is more in order. It’s crap, truly crap and I say that as someone who had kids when I became disabled

it’s ok to grieve and feel that life’s unfair you have every right but first do your homework to check all opportunities x

When was your last laparoscopy?

If its not been for a while. Then have one, you will need to go privately, ASAP.

Then give it another six months of ttc after the lap.

It took 5 years and 2 rounds of ivf for me to conceive my son and 4 years and 4 rounds of ivf for my current pregnancy. I would never suggest anyone ttc and struggling put on big girls pants. It is so hard feeling that empty mum heart.

If you can get sperm banked pre the med change at least you have time to process your feelings now before getting into the what comes next bit. One step at a time.

I agree with the above comments. There’s always hope and there’s always a way. You could see if they could use partners semen before he starts taking his medication?
No, you are not being unreasonable, ridiculous or silly for grieving the possible end of a journey or the fact you are not a mum. It is such a mixture of emotions being happy for those pregnant friends or with children but also sad for yourself.
How old are both you and DH?

Stage 4 endo does not automatically equate to infertility, many many people concieve with it. Make an appt with your local IVF unit (privately if you want to be seen with any urgency) and discuss it all with your consultant there. I think you will find there are many options still open to you, good luck.

Other posters have addressed the practical measures for dealing with the difficulties in conceiving. I’ve been there and done that so wanted to tell you that your feeling are perfectly valid.

It took me some time to come to terms with not having children. And during that time, it felt like bloody everyone was pregnant or running around with their kids! I was nice and polite about it all but that was very much a front - inside I thought it was bitterly unfair and I struggled to be genuinely happy for people although I did pretend.

It took a good year to get to the point of genuinely being happy for others although I was still coming to terms with being childless. I adopted fur babies instead and absolutely doted on them (and then had a surprise spontaneous pregnancy).

But the short version is that your feelings are perfectly valid and, in my opinion, ‘normal’. And don’t rush through them. You need to process them and come to terms with them in your own time. 💐

DH and I are 33 y/o @Essexgalttc so not too old but also not young!

@Scottishgirl85 we have had two fertility MOTs and from that were told that DH sperm is low quality (thanks to the years of meds he’s had to take) so when we queried about the sperm-bank we were told to give a go but not to pin all our hopes on this @HouseHelp23 @Tomnooktoldmeto I think we will still give it a go and hope for the best because I’d rather not kick myself for not doing it if IVF is a route we decide to trudge down later.

@Dishwashersaurous I am awaiting my lap date, and have been so since 12m! Apparently I am an urgent case but due to Covid backlog it’s just anyone’s guess when my number will come up. I did look at going private but the cheapest I saw was £15.5k and I don’t know I feel a bit selfish if I use this money on me, if we can maybe earmark it for IVF or adoption costs. Or even for my DH treatment. Silly thoughts I know.

@DifficultBloodyWoman I’m so, so glad you got your happy surprise bub in the end.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support. I feel like sometimes I can’t voice these thoughts IRL as everyone I speak either gets uncomfortable or they share their sadness about the situation (and in turn I end up comforting them e.g. DPiLs!!) 🌹

Not ridiculous or unreasonable. There are other options you can try

Have a look round and see if you can get a lap cheaper. Honestly many places won't do ivf for endo, or shouldn't ,unless you've had a recent lap.

A quick Google and the gynaecology group came up first.

Endometrial ablation £1700.

Consultant fee £630.

Representative total hospital cost: £3,839

You're absolutely not unreasonable at all to feel the way you do. I've been where you are and it felt like barely a week passed without someone announcing a pregnancy. Like you I was truly delighted for my loved ones but every announcement was still like a kick to the gut.

It does get easier, I promise. You make your peace with it and life goes on. We tried adoption, almost proceeded with surrogacy and did all the fertility treatments. Honestly if someone offered me the opportunity to have a child now I'd say no.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now though x

I’ve not been in your situation but seems to me nothing you have said is unreasonable. You sound like you and your dp have been very unfortunate in your health and the timing/relative crapness of nhs services due to Covid. It is great you’ve got a supportive dp; if you do become parents I reckon you’ll be awesome. If not, you at least can travel this very difficult journey together. Good luck.

I understand you completely @thequeenoftheandals as my DH and I have also had to make the hard decision not to have kids ourselves.

DH also has RA and his meds mean pregnancy is unlikely naturally. Neither of us wanted to use donor sperm and there’s no way DH could be off his meds for 6 months (recommended by his rheumatologist) before even TTC. I could never ask him to do that.

Huge thank you to everyone for sharing your stories and for the helpful suggestions.

I started the 🩸 today so my midnight musings/breakdown posts make full sense.

I will message here if we have any update, I’ve started some research on sperm banks and they are surprisingly not so expensive!