How to make someone understand mental health issues ?

[goforawander]

I've suffered from depression for a long time. I have good times and sometimes not so good times.

I know others who have the same issues/ or similar ones. I remember, before I knew what it really meant to suffer from these issues ( when I was a teen / early twenties ), I couldn't really understand. I was also young- which may have played into it.

Do you think anyone can really understand it, unless they've suffered ? Does everyone suffer at some stage ?

I ask because one of my friends took his life not long ago. And I really understand why he did it. I've never wanted to take my life, but I can completely see why someone would get to that point. My friend suffered for a long time from depression and he put up a good fight against it. He sadly lost it. But I know how it feels to look at your life and only see the bad in the past, in the future and also in the present. I know how horrible that feels, like there is nothing good and there never will be. I believe that's kind of where people get to when they decide to take their life. I was talking to my dad about it and he just could not understand it, at all. He just thinks my friend is basically ungrateful for life, as life is a gift. I tried to explain to him that when you suffer from depression this deeply, life does not feel that way and you cannot see or think clearly. He just didn't get it at all.

Does this mean he doesn't understand mental health issues ? Does this mean he's never had them ? Or is acknowledging that you have this problem, the actual problem in itself ? Is it possible to make someone understand ?

Sorry my post is a bit of a ramble, I am finding it difficult to put my thoughts into words on this.

I think there are two different questions here. first, can some people understand mental health issues even without experiencing them - the answer is probably yes - some psychiatrists or nurses or just someone sympathetic who listens well can probably understand at least some of it.

Second - can you make one particular person (your dad) understand mental health issues - probably no - you can't ever force another person to understand something if that person doesn't want to.

All you can do is keep talking. talk to your dad, talk to your therapist and others who can support you. Share books / films that have helped you with your dad. he might get it one day, but you can't force him to.

I think a lot of people don't understand mental health but think that they do, and then judge people with mental health harshly.

You can never completely understand another person's mental health even if you have suffered from the same condition, as everyone is different, but suffering from of being very close to an individual with mental health helps to understand their struggles.

My (late) dad was schizophrenic, and as a young child he spoke to me quite openly about his delusions because he completely trusted me and wanted to protect me (in his deluded state) , and I believed him as he was my primary care giver. As i grew up and seeing him get sectioned, I understood that these things weren't real. I think I have a pretty good understanding of how his illness affected him which helps me to understand and be accepting to other people's mental health.

My dad's mum, on the other hand would say things like "I know he is ill, but can't he just whatever". So that wasn't very accepting or understanding....

My advice would be not to expect others to understand. Like anything if they have not experianced it first hand they likely have little idea and that goes for therapists etc as well, easy to sit and read from a text book but l know of a grief counsellor who said after her own husband died she felt like apologising to all her previous clients.

Your father has likely lost a number of people over the years, the vast majority of whom would not have wanted to die as early as they did. Some will have had extended illnesses and fought for their lives and would have given anything to have one more day, hour or minute with their loved ones. That is incredibly sad and painful, we all understand that.

The assumption he has is that the suicidal person has a disregard for all of that - that their choice is some kind of lazy, can’t be bothered, ‘feck it’ move…. imagine how upsetting it must be for him to make that comparison, to honestly think that someone has given up on life for no good reason. So when he talks about your friend’s suicide he is partially blinded by pain and anger.

What he doesn't understand is that the suicidal person HAS been fighting to survive, HAS been in pain, WOULD give anything not to feel this way.

I don’t know of a guaranteed way of explaining this to him except to ask him how much pain he would need to be in to consider suicide himself?

Your dad, if he knows you have depression, may fear that you have similar thoughts. It sounds as if you spoke with real understanding, which must be hard and scary for a parent to hear. When he spoke of life as a gift he may have been talking - appealing - to you.

The easiest way I have found to help people understand is to point out that brain scans have found that physical pain and mental pain are felt in the same brain area. Imagine someone took a chainsaw to your abdomen and you were in agony, people saying “just get over it”, “stop being ungrateful” etc etc. 🤷‍♀️ Stopping feeling pain isn’t as easy as that, people don’t want to necessarily die - they just want the pain to stop 😔

I am so sorry for your loss. 💐

There are some people who are just incapable of comprehending what mental illness is. Whether that's deliberate, wilful ignorance, or just a plain inability to grasp the concept I do not know, but I have met people down the years that no matter how patiently you explain to them, no matter how simplistic you make it, and no matter the analogies you use, simply do not and never will 'get it'.

I think there are aspects which only someone with lived experience can relate to, and no matter how well educated or experienced, even doctors, psychiatrists and such can not fully comprehend what it is like to live with a mental illness unless they have experience of it themselves. Every personal account still only relates one person's experience, and no matter how many are documented, studied, written about, analysed, scrutinised, it's still only one person's personal experience. There will inevitably be commonality to some degree, but again, no matter how many people you listen to, you are only hearing their own experiences, which are prone to misinterpretation, misunderstanding, dependent on the ability or inability of the individual to articulate their own insights, etc.

So no, not only is it something that some people simply can not grasp, it's something that I don't believe anyone can fully understand until they have experience of it themselves, no matter how well intentioned or educated they might be. I've spent decades in the company of doctors and professionals, as well as people who are in the care of mental health services. I have lived experience of mental illness myself, and there are frequently times where I'm sitting in the room with an extensively experienced doctor who clearly has absolutely no insight into the conditions they are treating.

So would it be safe to assume my father has not suffered from depression? Just the normal ups and downs of life ? No right ? People can suffer from depression quite badly and not realise it.

I have been very fortunate in not having experienced depression before and so I can’t really appreciate what it must be like. I don’t know why your Dad feels the way he does but it’s probably a subject you best avoid with him because it doesn’t sound like he is capable of being sympathetic about it.