To divorce my intolerant husband

MamaCathy73 · 2022-07-11T18:47:21+00:00

Hi everyone, As I said in a post I made yesterday, my DS is 16 and is gay. While I try to support him and do my best to make him feel accepted, my DH only tolerates him. To make this worse, behind his back he makes some horrible comments about him and his sexuality, as well as other LGBT matters. I cannot stand the way he talks about our son, and I have recently been thinking about a divorce. Of course this is not only due to these comments, but also because of how some other issues have become worse over time. This is the last straw for me. Is it unreasonable to ask for a divorce?

Thehop · 11/07/2022 19:49

Not unreasonable at all.

o couldn’t stay married to a small minded bigot who bullied my son for something he couldn’t and shouldn’t change.

TowerRavenSeven · 11/07/2022 19:51

I’d be running for the hills with my son with me!

takealettermsjones · 11/07/2022 19:51

I could not live with this so I would be getting a divorce. It's your choice at the end of the day but I'd bet that if you don't, your son will end up very LC or NC with both of you one day.

lifesrichpageant · 11/07/2022 19:54

What an awful situation to be in. Your son needs you and he needs a safe home environment. I agree with the previous poster who said that you are likely to become very distant with your son over the years if you stay.

Notimeforaname · 11/07/2022 19:57

Not unreasonable at all. You have my full support. What a prick. Rejecting his own child and being so disgusting towards innocent people. He sounds like a total pig.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 11/07/2022 20:00

Thank goodness your ds is old enough to give him the middle finger should he choose to.
Go for it op.

lifesrichpageant · 11/07/2022 20:06

OP do you have any reason to think that your DH might change? Because I have seen miraculous changes in bigoted parents and I know that it is possible. If you let him know just how serious you are about leaving, I wonder if he would be willing to do some soul-searching? He doesn’t sound the type but I thought I would ask?

WatchWatchWatchMe · 11/07/2022 20:10

Poor kid 😢

CallOnMe · 11/07/2022 20:16

YANBU

If this was a man you’d bet a few weeks ago and he was saying horrible things about your son would you stay with him?

I think it’s worse that he’s saying it about his own son.
You don’t have to agree with all of your childrens choices or actions but you also don’t need to be nasty about them.

Adelishious · 12/07/2022 02:29

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Oceanus · 12/07/2022 02:51

Not unreasonable at all. Talk to a solicitor first, before letting the prick know.

ladydoris · 12/07/2022 02:54

Did you confront him before saying you are going to leave him.

Onautopilot · 12/07/2022 02:55

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Words fail me.... what century are you living in?

Oceanus · 12/07/2022 03:11

Onautopilot · 12/07/2022 02:55

Words fail me.... what century are you living in?

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Ooohh bless you Adelishious, you couldn't make up this sh*t if you tried😂😂😂

MummaTrinee · 12/07/2022 03:30

YANBU to leave him, or to even be thinking about it.
I can't imagine how hard that would be to be with someone who doesn't fully support their child 100% makes jokes about who they are in such a spiteful way. On top that there are other reasons you're unhappy.

I guess my question is what the reason to stay? Where is the hesitation? That's a genuine question and I ask it because its important for you realise why. X

D0lphine · 12/07/2022 09:03

Behaving that way towards a child isn't ok.

It isn't 1950. Times and views change.

What does he say when you challenge him? Are you from a religious background where it is not tolerated?

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 09:06

Your sons future mental health WILL be better if you choose to show your son that you value him over the views of a homophobe.

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 09:07

It's always damaging to be around a parent who rejects you.

Thatswhyimacat · 12/07/2022 09:15

You didn't mention this at all in your other thread about Pride and it would have made a huge difference to that post - you said there that you were both tolerant of your son and so got lots of replies that your son is unreasonable or a drama llama for wanting you to go and support him at Pride. Now here you say that your husband is horrible about his sexuality. Your poor DS.

Palmfrond · 12/07/2022 09:26

lifesrichpageant · 11/07/2022 20:06

OP do you have any reason to think that your DH might change? Because I have seen miraculous changes in bigoted parents and I know that it is possible. If you let him know just how serious you are about leaving, I wonder if he would be willing to do some soul-searching? He doesn’t sound the type but I thought I would ask?

Agree.

I imagine your husband is experiencing a bereavement of sorts, and denial and anger are part of that. Hopefully it will at some point culminate in acceptance.
As dads we have thousands of years of accreted cultural expectations as to what a a son & heir is supposed to look like. There’s also still a great deal of casual homophobia, amongst male friends and colleagues, so a gay son would be a source of embarrassment but also a source of fear because nobody wants their kid to be victimised.
Im not saying this good, I’m not saying “poor dad and his homophobia”, I’m just saying that there is more going on than pure intolerance.
Depending on how the rest of the relationships in this family are, I think divorcing over this is a very odd idea & I think the father would benefit from counselling.

psydrive · 12/07/2022 12:36

Palmfrond · 12/07/2022 09:26

Agree.

I imagine your husband is experiencing a bereavement of sorts, and denial and anger are part of that. Hopefully it will at some point culminate in acceptance.
As dads we have thousands of years of accreted cultural expectations as to what a a son & heir is supposed to look like. There’s also still a great deal of casual homophobia, amongst male friends and colleagues, so a gay son would be a source of embarrassment but also a source of fear because nobody wants their kid to be victimised.
Im not saying this good, I’m not saying “poor dad and his homophobia”, I’m just saying that there is more going on than pure intolerance.
Depending on how the rest of the relationships in this family are, I think divorcing over this is a very odd idea & I think the father would benefit from counselling.

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Oh god not this grief shite again.

The dad is a homophobic dickhead, stop making excuses.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/07/2022 12:37

I think your son will probably appreciate you standing up for him. And you will appreciate not having to live with a bigot.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/07/2022 12:39

Palmfrond · 12/07/2022 09:26

Agree.

I imagine your husband is experiencing a bereavement of sorts, and denial and anger are part of that. Hopefully it will at some point culminate in acceptance.
As dads we have thousands of years of accreted cultural expectations as to what a a son & heir is supposed to look like. There’s also still a great deal of casual homophobia, amongst male friends and colleagues, so a gay son would be a source of embarrassment but also a source of fear because nobody wants their kid to be victimised.
Im not saying this good, I’m not saying “poor dad and his homophobia”, I’m just saying that there is more going on than pure intolerance.
Depending on how the rest of the relationships in this family are, I think divorcing over this is a very odd idea & I think the father would benefit from counselling.

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@Palmfrond would you be writing the same if the dad was upset that his son had chose a partner of a different race? Would it be ok got him to make racist comments because it didn't match the picture of white grandkids he'd imagined for his future?

Herejustforthisone · 12/07/2022 18:33

It’s not unreasonable and I applaud you for considering leaving the vicious bigot.