To not put up with comments from DM anymore?

PurpleFlyingElephant · 2022-07-11T14:15:27+00:00

Background: DB and I are NC due to severe bullying and aggression when we lived at home (him towards me). DPs did nothing so I got poor treatment daily. Never received an apology from him for his behaviour and won't consider speaking to him until I get it, which I thought was understandable until yesterday. My dilemma - DM makes comments about what a great person he is every time I see her (DH, DC and I live fairly local to her so at least once a week). Normally I don't rise to it and just nod along but I started therapy last year, it opened my eyes to what happened and now tbh I've had enough. I snapped at her yesterday when after yet another monologue about his great character, she said that I was "as much to blame as he was and I need to grow up now". For context I never once bullied him back or did anything to provoke him, I was and still am terrified of him and avoid him at all costs. Luckily I only have to see him 2 or 3 times a year for family gatherings because he lives a few hours away. AIBU in wanting her to respect my decision and shut the hell up about him? He wasn't and still isn't a nice person imo. I'm left feeling guilty that I've rocked the boat and DM is pressuring me to let bygones be bygones now that we're older (both in our mid 30's and I have 2 DC of my own).

Doingtheboxerbeat · 11/07/2022 15:17

I was going to suggest don't read them then as I read that and thought daily mail 😖. Sorry not helpful.

Bunce1 · 11/07/2022 15:17

How you feel is how you feel. Perhaps she is in denial
about what happened or maybe she doesn’t think it’s true. Either way a calmer conversation about how you wnat her to respect you and your feelings is in order.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/07/2022 15:21

Was he like this with you when you were children or when you were adults (or both?)

TooHotToTangoToo · 11/07/2022 15:21

I think I'd be telling her not to mention him or his family to you as you're not interested. If she mentions him have a few choice responses 'as I said the other day, I'm not interested in hearing about him' then change the subject. If she persists and it's on the phone, hang up, or in person leave.

If she says you need to let bygones be bygones, respond with 'that's your opinion and you're entitled to it, as I'm entitled to mine, I made myself clear and I will not be letting bygones be bygones' - rinse and repeat

If she won't let it go you may need to reassess your relationship with her. She's an enabler and you are her scape goat.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 11/07/2022 15:22

Sorry posted too soon, but I would absolutely not be spending 2 - 3 times a year with someone who is a bully if I don't have to.
I would also drill into your mother every time she brings it up to change the subject or you will leave.

MintJulia · 11/07/2022 15:24

If your mind is made up, then stick to it. He made your life hell, he hasn't apologised despite being a grown adult, so no, you still don't want to know him.
Your dm is wrong. She wants her children to get along but until he apologises, it isn't going to happen. Tell her that.

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 15:25

AryaStarkWolf · 11/07/2022 15:21

Was he like this with you when you were children or when you were adults (or both?)

From early teenage years until I went NC with him after I left home in my early 20s. We were fine as kids then he turned on me.

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Caterinaballerina · 11/07/2022 15:25

Maybe say that if he is such a wonderful person now he’d be able to recognise his awful past behaviour and someone genuinely good would be remorseful and would offer an apology and explanation for their past behaviour. So if he really is so wonderful ow you’ll decide when you get that apology and explanation but until then you suggest she zips it.

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 15:28

MintJulia · 11/07/2022 15:24

If your mind is made up, then stick to it. He made your life hell, he hasn't apologised despite being a grown adult, so no, you still don't want to know him.
Your dm is wrong. She wants her children to get along but until he apologises, it isn't going to happen. Tell her that.

I think this is why she keeps pushing the topic, she envisions big fun family get togethers after I let it go but it's never going to happen. He was so awful to me and I can't stand to be around him because of his behaviour.

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Maggit · 11/07/2022 15:28

I don't think you should do anything that feels wrong to you, but if this happened before you were adults, I think that your anger is somewhat misdirected. Your parents should had a duty of care for you and should have acted. My sister made my life hell until she left home at 18- it's really affected me- but really, it's my parents' fault more than hers, they were the adults. I don't think my sister knows how terrible she was and how much it affected me, and I don't see any point in telling her now (but before she passed away, my DM did apologise for allowing it to happen.)

ZeroFucksGiven20 · 11/07/2022 15:29

YANBU your brother sounds like the golden child. Look up NPD if you haven't already. I'm NC with certain family members (1 in particular) and feel nothing but relief. People should respect boundaries. Life is too short.

Newgirls · 11/07/2022 15:29

Has she asked him to let bygones be bygones? Or just you? Is she also scared of him in some way/fears a scene? That’s quite revealing isn’t it - sounds like he’s the issue and she thinks you are the soft touch, and should fit in with him

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 15:31

Newgirls · 11/07/2022 15:29

Has she asked him to let bygones be bygones? Or just you? Is she also scared of him in some way/fears a scene? That’s quite revealing isn’t it - sounds like he’s the issue and she thinks you are the soft touch, and should fit in with him

I agree 100%, I think she is scared of him on some level and he is still a very volatile person. To my knowledge she only directs these comments at me and not him.

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Lottapianos · 11/07/2022 15:33

I have a similar situation - pretty much estranged from brother because of his behaviour. Have had lots of pressure from parents to make up and play nice and get in touch with him etc. It's all for their benefit - my feelings don't count in the slightest. It's incredibly unfair and hurtful

You are not obliged to play happy families for anyone else's benefit. You are an adult and you get to make your own decisions about your relationships. Some parents can never accept that their children are now adults and don't have to do what they are told anymore. It's really suffocating and really messed up

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 15:38

Maggit · 11/07/2022 15:28

I don't think you should do anything that feels wrong to you, but if this happened before you were adults, I think that your anger is somewhat misdirected. Your parents should had a duty of care for you and should have acted. My sister made my life hell until she left home at 18- it's really affected me- but really, it's my parents' fault more than hers, they were the adults. I don't think my sister knows how terrible she was and how much it affected me, and I don't see any point in telling her now (but before she passed away, my DM did apologise for allowing it to happen.)

I have some resentment towards her and my dad because of this. I understand that it's difficult for them because we are both equally their kids, but to excuse his behaviour and put some of the blame on me is affecting me a lot.

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Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 15:39

Lottapianos · 11/07/2022 15:33

I have a similar situation - pretty much estranged from brother because of his behaviour. Have had lots of pressure from parents to make up and play nice and get in touch with him etc. It's all for their benefit - my feelings don't count in the slightest. It's incredibly unfair and hurtful

You are not obliged to play happy families for anyone else's benefit. You are an adult and you get to make your own decisions about your relationships. Some parents can never accept that their children are now adults and don't have to do what they are told anymore. It's really suffocating and really messed up

Sorry you're going through the same thing Lotta, you're right it is incredibly hurtful and suffocating

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/07/2022 15:40

I also thinks she's probably a bit embarrassed that neither she or your father ever took him to task about his behaviour.

I think stick to your guns.

I've recently had to do with my DM about a different situation, but after 30 years or her sticking her head in the sand and denying it, and that 'he's a different person now and you should move on' I've just had enough of being treated like a second-class person.

So I'm standing up for myself now.

Well done on your therapy too. It's not easy to start exploring these things after so many years.

Awoooga · 11/07/2022 15:45

sounds very similar to my teen years! Older brother turned on me then made my life a misery until I moved out of home. Mum always said it was my fault or to just get over it. She’s dead now but I’ve never forgiven her for not protecting me more. I only kept in contact with him to be close to my nephew.
Don’t feel bad or give in just because she tells you to, you don’t owe either of them anything!

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 16:05

Thank you everyone for your kind words. While it's terrible to see how common this dynamic is for a lot of us, it's reassuring that I'm not alone.

I have actually tried to tell her my point of view loads of times over the years but she tends to interrupt me and give me a louder version of his point of view... I don't know if a calm conversation about it will ever work and I'm worried I'll be spun as the bad guy again the next time I see her🙁

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NoseyNellie · 11/07/2022 16:19

If she shouts you down when you try & discuss it, would it be worth writing it down? Perhaps write her a letter, present it to her while she’s at your place, leave her for 20 mins with the letter & a cup of tea then ask if she’s ready to discuss it or if she would prefer to think about it for a couple of days and speak about it later… ?

Are you still in therapy? Have you discussed her role in this with your therapist?

Original poster

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 16:31

NoseyNellie · 11/07/2022 16:19

If she shouts you down when you try & discuss it, would it be worth writing it down? Perhaps write her a letter, present it to her while she’s at your place, leave her for 20 mins with the letter & a cup of tea then ask if she’s ready to discuss it or if she would prefer to think about it for a couple of days and speak about it later… ?

Are you still in therapy? Have you discussed her role in this with your therapist?

That's a good idea! I'm not optimistic that her response will be any different than usual but I will try it.

Yes I'm still in therapy, I suffer from anxiety because of everything that happened and I struggle to trust people even now, but I'm working on it! My therapist is amazing and agrees that DM enabled and excused his behaviour probably through fear of him.

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NoseyNellie · 11/07/2022 16:47

PurpleFlyingElephant · 11/07/2022 16:31

That's a good idea! I'm not optimistic that her response will be any different than usual but I will try it.

Yes I'm still in therapy, I suffer from anxiety because of everything that happened and I struggle to trust people even now, but I'm working on it! My therapist is amazing and agrees that DM enabled and excused his behaviour probably through fear of him.

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Follow up thought, might be an idea to take the letter off her before she leaves if there’s any chance it might end up anywhere near your brother (!)

takeitandleaveit · 11/07/2022 17:05

but to excuse his behaviour and put some of the blame on me is affecting me a lot

I'm not surprised. Sorry to say this, but by enabling his behaviour at the time and now seeking to put the blame on you means that your brother is not the only abuser in your family. Your parents are too.

He is the Golden Child and you are the Scapegoat.

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 14/03/2023 20:46

Someone on dh's side always says "Well, you can't say anything, don't cause trouble."
I speak as I see fit in rl although I am polite but if someone is a twat they need telling and if that offends so be it. The truth hurts but at least everyone knows where they stand.