To say something to our nanny about her abusive partner?

[Sweaty84]

We have a part-time nanny for our two toddlers. She is brilliant, we get on really well. My DH says I'm too matey as will often share a cup of tea if I'm working from home and chat about personal stuff.

She is divorced with two teenage kids. She has a boyfriend she lives with.

Last week nanny told me that new boyfriend's ex-wife 'lied' to everyone in their community that he was violent and they broke up because he was so violent. None of his many kids talk to him. I've actually met him a couple of times and he gave me the creeps. Very intense.

This morning nanny has come to look after the kids, and I saw she was crying. We have spoken and basically boyfriend refused to meet her friends at the weekend and now is demanding she screenshot all her texts and send them to him. He also refuses to let her go out to certain places by herself.

She defends it all because he is 'paranoid because of his ex'.

I want to scream THIS IS ABUSE, and I bet the ex girlfriend isn't lying about the violence.

The bloke is huge. And spends his whole time in the gym

DH says to stay out but this is how abuse is allowed to progress - people being too awkward to say anything. I'm not saying I should say 'you need to leave' but just gently tell her that his behaviour isn't just a bit bad, it's abusive.

What do you think? I worry for her.

I would tell her. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to her. Whether she'll listen or not is another matter, but it's very important she knows you're.on her side and can talk to you.

YANBU but don’t expect her to listen.

Is there any possibility that he’ll come into contact with your children?

I think you should gently tell her but with no expectation that she do anything immediately.

Point her in the direction of the Freedom Programme and other support online. There is lots. You can’t tell her what to do but hopefully with some support she will realise what is happening sooner rather than later.

I think you have to say what you think but she probably won’t listen. Tell her that if she ever needs a bolt hole at 3am to come round.

Ask why would the ex make up stories like that

Mention the Freedom programme to her. Ask if she would consider doing it..

I would definitely have a gentle word; often we don't see clearly when we're in the middle of an abusive situation. Your perspective could make the difference. If it doesn't - at least you tried, and she'll know you're there and understanding if things escalate.

Your DH sounds like a pompous nitwit.

I think it is OK for you to say "it's not ok" for him to treat her like that, you are allowed to offer support to an employee, your husbands stay out of it speaks volumes !

You clearly have a friendly, chatty relationship and yes, I would have a conversation with her. Do it in the nicest possible way and be ultra-sympathetic and maybe even point her towards some online info about coercive control etc.

The bloke is huge. And spends his whole time in the gym

Suspect he's on steroids and this is exacerbating his awful behaviour. Poor woman.

Have a chat with her. We had a similar situation that ended quite badly. She managed to get away but only after some deeply unpleasant things had happened. She is now fine and settled with a new guy and a child but it was awful when it was at its worst.

I'd say to Nanny "Your BF is accused of previous abuse and it's clear to me he's operating abusive control over you. So I want to make something very clear to you. ON NO ACCOUNT is he ever to come to our house or have any contact with my children outside it. EVER. I want your promise on that."

If she realises you see him as a risk, it might make her think about what he's doing to her.

and if the answer is "revenge" say she doesn't need revenge, she'll just be glad to be free.

I hope you get somewhere with your nanny, OP, and that she and her children will be okay.

Can you do a Claire's law request on her behalf? I'm sure there was a thread recently whereby the OP did on her friend's behalf.

You need to be thinking about the safety of your own children. Your nanny's judgement appears to be lacking.

This just look up your local police site and the details should be on there.

This is a very good suggestion. The police won’t divulge information to you but if he has a history of violence (not necessarily convictions - multiple call outs would also get flagged) they will go out and speak to her about it.

I would tell her.

Glad I'm not the only one who saw this. I would not get involved and in fact worry about her being a nanny to my kids. She Is a grown woman, she doesn't need this to be pointed out to her. What if he turns up at your door?

Yes, that's just the right attitude to take to women in abusive relationships. Shun them, judge them, and deny them employment opportunities. Great stuff

This. I'd also find her addresses of women's shelters, links to freedom programme, advice to only look it up from your Wi-Fi and tell her she's welcome at yours alone any time of night if needed.

It's hard to get someone to leave. Sometimes they go back even when they do. All you can do is let her know the behaviour is unacceptable and require her to keep your children away from him.

Exactly @Greensleeves I will definitely not being holding her responsible for HIS actions. She knows his behaviour isn't acceptable but there is lots of "he's got a difficult past, he tries his best"

I'm trying to persuade her that the reasons behind his behaviour isn't her responsibility.

It just seems to be getting worse. I do want to do more but I'm worried of making it worse e.g. her saying "my boss thinks you're abusive" or something

@Greensleeves

But do you deny that the situation could pose harm to OP’s children?

I absolutely don’t think abused women should be judged and denied employment, but I don’t want the possibility of my children being exposed to abuse.

This is why I say stay out of it. Op says she met the boyfriend many times, at the home? So he knows where they live and if he knows that the op has been advising the nanny about this, and he is violent then that shouldn't be taken into consideration given she is in charge of the ops kids.