To not have any mum friends?

[lonelymum22]

NC for this.

DD is 15 months and I feel isolated and lonely a lot of the time. Family live far away. Partner works a lot. I work too, I have one day off a week. I have a group of mum friends I made on mat leave but we all went back to work this year, and my day off doesn't coincide with any of theirs. I find myself just taking DD places alone and feeling sad when I see other mums together chatting etc. we go swimming on a weekend and I chat to another mum there who is lovely, she always asks after me if when partner takes DD swimming instead. I haven't asked for her number or anything but maybe I should? I just feel a bit awkward about it. I don't even know her first name - just know her as "child's name's mum". Is that weird?

Is there something wrong with me to not have any mum friends I can do things with? Does anyone else feel lonely and isolated like this with a young child? How do you find other mum friends?

Ask for swimming mum's number. Don't overthink it.

I have two DC. I am definitely feeling isolated this time around.

You've got a great chance to make a friend. Ask if she'd like to go for a coffee after swimming or invite her to baby group you attend. Don't overthink it as PP said. She's obviously open to a friendship if she asks about you.

Definitely ask for this mums number.

Something like, "we'd love to meet up sometime when you're both free"

Thanks for your reply. I know I should just ask. I don't know why I feel weird about it. We even joked that we should send the dads swimming one week and go for a drink for a couple hours for a break - it was one of those things you say and laugh about and then it never gets mentioned again. I don't want to seem strange asking for her number in case she was joking 😂

It’s hard though. And friendships take ages to establish properly. I’m in the same boat. I find people with loads of friends don’t really get it. I’m definitely an over thinker though. Probs my own worst enemy sometimes!

@VioletPickles

I overthink everything, not just friendships - also feel like my worst enemy. 😞 It's hard isn't it.

I even considered trying to change my day off each week to match the other mum friends. It that would be a bit of a pain as meetings etc would need reorganising... Is this a silly reason to start messing about with work days? Am I overthinking this as well?🙈

Definitely ask for her number. Just casually say, it would be great to get together with the kids sometime. Let's swap numbers so we can sort out a time. Then text her to invite her to a toddler group/walk in the park/coffee in a cafe etc.

This never came naturally to me but when I had kids I really wanted to make mum friends so I pushed myself to do it all the time and nobody has said no or seemed to find it weird. You can do it!!

I am an over thinker too, it's not odd to ask for her number especially as she's asked after you. I kept forgetting to get one mum who o get on with at swimmings number too! But that's because we are so busy chatting away the time flies. I understand how you are feeling so just go for it and you won't regret it. As an aside, having too many mum friends isn't a good thing in my experience anyway having a few is all you need and that will build up in time!

Do that

OP I felt very similar to you when DD was small, same circumstances in that I didn’t know anyone locally so felt super lonely a lot of the time.

DD is 4 now and I’ve now got a couple of mums I regularly meet up with and have become good friends with but these things definitely take time and effort.

Something I will always remember is when DD was about 10 month old I took her to a local theme park with a beach / water play bit and whilst there I got chatting to some mums who were cooing over her splashing about in the water. Their kids were all 8/9 and off playing by themselves. I remember telling them how isolated I felt and they reassured me that once she went to school I would make friends for life at the gates - this is how they all met and they swore it would all get better :) That was such lovely advice and so reassuring to me as a new mum.

Definitely suggest meeting up to swimming lady and actually I would look at switching work days. Having a few good friends at the same stage of life as you is invaluable I have found.

Have you tried Peanut? Bit like Tinder but for mum friends. I made some nice friends at a local playgroup that is on my week day off and as I go every week with the children I got to see the same mums & kids doing the same. Good luck

My mum friends were my friends already who then had kids. I don't think I made friends specifically when my dc was little or just because of them. I think this mum is a good opportunity to make a friend. Ask for her number and see how it goes.

Suggest to swimming mum that you go for a coffee/play/whatever after. You only make mum friends if you take opportunities like this. That's how they're made. If she was joking (which would be odd) or thinks it's a terrible idea (which would also be odd given what you describe) then at least you'll know. You wouldn't be the one being a bit weird there.

And yes change your work day if it matters to you. The hassle would surely be worth it?

I actually think that’s quite a good idea!

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to look into changing my non working day!

I have heard of Peanut before (Tinder for mums, love it 😂) - I actually signed up when I was pregnant and chatted with a few people but never met anyone. Might have to go back on there!

Defo ask swimming mum. You could start with going for a coffee after swimming. The only way to make friends is to put yourself out there a bit. You never know, she might be lonely too.

I’m the same! I think lots of mums will be the same too! You should just casually say “oh are you free for a coffee one day after swimming” and see what she says, she will either say yes let’s go today, or maybe next week. Then you could say “oh are you on social media? I’ll drop you a message” then if she says yes say “what are you called on there” I always say this if I forget someone’s name lol good luck! Sounds like she was planting the seed first by saying about drinks so she’s probs just as shy as you are.

Swimming mum sounds great! Go for it! Don’t be scared, she might have the same worries. I befriended loads of peeps and asked for their numbers cos I was just so darn desperate for mates in year one! Only once did someone ask me for mine and it was so refreshing. I don’t see any of them now but it was nice to have a few different people to meet with even if it didn’t last.

Once I had my first child I was practically forcing strangers in the play park/ baby group to give me their phone number… and they were all grateful- some have become great friends, others were lovely acquaintances for a period of time, others, nothing had come off it at all.
it usually starts with… is swimming on this week? Not coming this week, could you send our apologies please… is DC feeling better after cold last week?… going to softplay/ theatre/ park - would you like to come along?… to
lets have a play date at soft play, public park…to…. come round mine…to… let’s go out without the kids.
but both I and another friend planned our day off to coincide with third friend after mat leave (having met in baby group during mat leave by exchanging phone numbers) and continued to see each other on this day every week until children started school.
Others… met at baby group, didn’t see for another 2 years, had second child at the same time and then spend a lot of time together over the next couple of years. Not lifelong friends, but we had a nice time keeping each other company, and the kids adored each other.
Do ask that woman for her number. You will need to get over yourself - you will need to ask many people for their numbers as that is the only way you can arrange play dates for your child (with nursery/ school friends). Equally, you may get asked for your number… but if no one starts it you’ll all be lonely.
and I would also change the day, if these are good friends.

I moved to a new area with an 18 month old and newborn. Knew no one and was a lot older than anyone I met at baby groups. I once asked a lady for her number in a library as our kids seemed to get on well. It’s like asking someone out 😜 but she said yes and we met regularly with our kids until they started school. Ask swimming lady for her number!

Definitely ask for her number, or suggest going for a coffee after swimming. It can be quite lonely with babies at times.

As a side note, when my kids went to nursery and primary my phone was full contacts that said A’s mum, B,s mum etc. It was almost embarrassing as a couple of times I had to ask the mums’ name sometime after I started to get to know them. I should have asked their names from the get go.

They're overrated. I've had quite a few, some are still mum friends but others have stopped contact once our paths don't cross.

Honestly, I'd concentrate on real friends. Those that don't just centre around your kids.