To consider abusive, addict husband’s promises to fix himself

[Confuseddamsel123]

For the risk of outing myself, I’ll keep the details on a need to know basis- I was a minor and he was 8 yrs senior to me in college when we began dating. Our first sexual encounter was not a happy, butterflies, excitement-filled time for me but a rape (which I only unfortunately realised later on when I grew up and found out about the meaning of consent and what actually constitues as rape). For some reasons (low self esteem being one of them) I ended up
marrying him. Have a young DD with him. He is addicted to alcohol and medicinal narcotics. After 2 decades of waiting & actively trying to get him to seek substantial professional
help & go in to rehab he began suffering from drug induced hallucinations. He hasn’t held a job during the entire duration of our marriage. Never helped with DD. He lives off of his large inheritance pay offs. And I’ve never ever gotten a penny to spend from his coffers. Of late even our DD’s nursery bills are being paid off by me. He has spent the majority of our married years verbally, emotionally, financially & sexually (on 4 occasions) abusing me.
And I know if it were my sister or best friend in a situation similar to mine I would've asked them to kick the bugger out and never look back, but yet, here I am, feeling absolutely hopeless, not being able to conjure to courage to go through a divorce. I’m terrified of being lonely, I’m terrified of my DD asking question about her daddy’s absence. And it doesn’t help cement my decision to divorce him when he has began repenting his actions and is asking for one last chance before I divorce him.
Frankly
I need help girls. I know what it is the right thing to do. It is quite obvious. But knowing what I know and having endured the numerous abuses why am I still trying to hang on to this marriage? I do feel Iam in need of a nudge to help me actualise the thoughts of freedom/divorce. How can I not allow his gravelling to make me waiver in my decision? I feel like an utter clod for letting my emotional brain override the rational brain….& feeling sorry for my husband.

Well he's groomed you so of course it's difficult to walk away. You need Counselling. Look into the freedom program. You can do it. You and your DD deserve happiness x

If he really cared about you he would have cared about the impact on you years ago and made changes then.

He is only pretending to change to hang on to his meal ticket.

You deserve better than this. You are worth more than his too little: too late half arsed efforts to change.

Better you DD asks about his absence than grow up in a home with a feckless abusive man child.

Leave him before the sexual assaults end up in rape or worse, he will never change. First do your detective work, find out everything about his financial state, bank statements, pensions, payslips if he ever works, get your & your dc birth certificates, passports, any medication, red books, driving licence etc, if you have someone you can trust move anything precious or special so he can't take it. Pack a bag each for you & dc & put them somewhere safe like your car boot if only you have access to the car, make sure you have your own bank account. Get your name on your council housing list & try to build up a stash of money, find somewhere to go before you leave, if he kicks off ring the police who will either assist you to leave or take him away & as part of his bail conditions ban him coming near you. Get a good solicitor, you are entitled to some of this stash of money he is living on.

I think you need some counselling. You need to your way of thinking. He is your abuser and ultimately your child's abuser.

You’ve already waited two decades for him to change, if he were going to change surely he would have done so by now? He obviously feels his grip on you is diminishing and will say anything to keep you hanging on. He doesn’t want to lose you not because you are a great person, though I’m sure you are, but where else is he going to find someone to tolerate his crap? Even if he became a seemingly perfect partner and dad overnight he is still the same bastard who groomed you from an early age and raped you, don’t you already feel lonely in your relationship? Why are you worried about your daughter asking about her dad, he sounds a terrible father and probably wouldn’t bother with her if you split up. Honestly take it from me having no father around can be better for a child than some useless deadbeat sperm donor letting your child down over and over again.

Because he’s been grooming you since you were a kid?

The Freedom Progranme is supposed to be good, so do that.

but if you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your child, or she will resent you for it for life

You need to contact your local domestic violence unit. Social Services can direct you and may also offer support. Sometimes social workers can give some physical assistance to get women and kids to a refuge. Not saying thus is you. Alter your thinking to confirm to yourself you have to act to ensure your health and that of your child. In acting for your own future, you may bring your husband to his rock bottom. He may or may not manage to get clean and sober. Honestly, that is not your concern right now. For as long as you are under the same roof, lift your phone and call the police in the event of any disturbance and/or harm to you and your child. This will also bank up evidence in the event of you seeking to exclude him from your home. Retired social worker here.

You’re lonely now. And in an abusive relationship.

Do you want your DD to repeat such a harmful pattern?

Get to Al Anon for support. You didn’t cause his addiction, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

If you stay with him he will ruin your children's lives. Are you willing to put them through that?

I've just left a 30 year marriage to a man who sounds very similar. I am still early in the process (divorce legalities just started). I've a long road ahead, but my ONLY regret now is I didn't do it sooner. My kids are now adults (26,24,20) and they are fully supportive if me leaving, and say I should have left 15 years ago but understand the control I was under and the reasons I didn't.
Keep yourself safe though, there are people who can help you. My dh never hit me, but I am still getting support from the Domestic Violence services, who have been fantastic, please speak to them.

If you are happy with the knowledge that your dd will grow up with this as her ONLY perspective of what life is and she will most definitely pick a man that will treat her the same then crack on. You need to do this for her because you know you won't do it for yourself. You have already allowed her to grow up so far in a toxic and dysfunctional environment, leave before more damage is done. Don't know what anyone can tell you about him, that you don't know yourself.

If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter. Growing up with an addict I'd going to be highly damaging to her , add in that he is abusive to her mother , it's not a healthy environment for a child at all.

@ThreeLittleDots I am only beginning to realise that this is indeed the case of a grown man having groomed a “child”. And Wow! Does it put things in to perspective! Am shook at how it all chanced upon and I didn’t even notice it. Thanks for your input