Funeral arrangements

[Ilmiopinguino]

I probably am being unreasonable, but I'm feeling really hurt and don't quite know how to deal with this.

My dad died at the end of June after a long a distressing illness. My mum nursed him at home for the last six months and it's been very hard on her. I've tried to visit when I could but I couldn't go often as I'm two and a half hours drive away, and I'm a lone parent to two autistic teenagers who are both struggling. My eldest also has mental health issues. My mum and dad have always been hugely supportive of them and understand the difficulties they have. For my teens, my parents were about the only two people they felt comfortable with apart from me.

Now it's come to organising the funeral which has been hampered by all sorts of delays, and I know that again has been difficult for my mum. So the cremation is now booked, and a sort of wake at a local venue afterwards, and here's where it gets tricky.

Both my teens want to come to the funeral. Initially the plan had been that the three of us would go down the morning of the funeral and after the funeral I'd take them back to my mum's house, and then join the others at the wake a little way down the road. My two feel safe there, and would be exhausted after the effort of being at the funeral. But now my mum has decided to have the wake at home. So lots of people, people my teens don't know, noise and no escape. It's an absolutely certain route to meltdown and self harm. So now we can't go back to the house. Which means a two and a half hour drive to the crematorium, a funeral, and then a two and a half hour drive back. Which means I am effectively excluded from the rest of the family. No chance to talk about dad, and feel connected to people. Instead, once again, I'm on my own. Mum reckons i could come down without them and attend the wake but I couldn't stay longer than about 20 minutes or I'd be home too late. And they want to come. They need to say goodbye. And the idea of that journey all on my own straight after his funeral is too much.

I spoke to mum about it but she's adamant that she wants it at home and just keeps saying that I'll be there in spirit. Which doesn't really address how desperately alone and excluded I feel.

Don't know what the exact aibu is; perhaps aibu to feel so deeply hurt?

Can't they have a quiet room available for their use at your mum's house?

Im sorry, this is so hard. I think you're both hurting but her needs trump yours on this occasion.

Is there nowhere your children could go for the afternoon - book a cheap hotel room? Family friend?

If not, can you go somewhere nearby with them for some 'time out' either before heading home, or possibly the tail-end of the wake?

Wakes depend on families, but in mine most people would be gone within a couple of hours or so. given it is summer, could they go somewhere quiet and peaceful- a country park say? and then head back to your mum's after a say three hours?

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a tough situation to be sure.
How old are your teen DC? One idea is to get a nearby B&B or hotel room and after the funeral, you check into the hotel and leave them in the room to vibe and relax. If they are old enough, would they be comfortable doing that?

Surely they can sit in their Nan's bedroom playing on their phones for an hour, while you mingle downstairs? You can pop up and check up on them, bring them some food.

Could they just chill out in your old bedroom. Bring their phones/ ipads etc and not be expected to mix or talk to anyone.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Would your mum be able to provide a room where your teens can go if they feel overwhelmed? Noise cancelling headphones, TV, whatever they need to regulate and chill out. I wouldn't completely write off the possibility of being at the wake if this is a viable alternative. It would mean also that you could maybe stay at your mum's overnight (?) and head home the next day so she isn't totally alone when everyone goes.

Hi, thanks for replying. Not sure how to tag people. Both my teens have quite complex difficulties which means they won't go out without me, one won't go anywhere they don't know, they both have extreme phobias about insects (great in summer) and have sch bad anxiety that grey couldn't cope with people in the house even if they're in a separate room. I suspect that yes mum's needs trump mine. It's just she has lots of good and supportive friends. My friends all disappeared once the kids problems started to interfere with me being able to socialise. My sister thinks many of the kids problems are of my own making so we're no longer close. I just feel I'm having to grieve entirely alone. I wanted to feel part of the family. But o don't.

Has your mum given thought to the logistics of having a wake at home? Providing food, tea, coffee etc for everyone will be exhausting and she'd have to have everything prepared and ready before the funeral cos she won't have time to do that when people arrive afterwards.

This is a sad situation it seems like unless your mum changes her mind u will have to miss the wake.

I guess it's not just missing the wake. I suppose my situation means I am very lonely, and often unsupported and I just wanted to be with people on the day of the funeral, and not have to arrive and leave separately to the rest of the family. But I think I just have to accept that's how life is for me.

I’m sorry for your loss and I agree your dc need to attend the funeral to say goodbye.
Would another relative let you use their ( empty) house where your dc could stay while you go to the wake? Could they tolerate one person being in the house to ensure they’re safe while they watch tv, listen to music, play on phones, whatever is calming for them?
Or attend the funeral and then instead of driving home stay in a Travelodge or similar to give you a break from driving?

How about getting the funeral filmed if you can't make it. You can watch live as its happening.

Could you go the day before the funeral, and your teens hang out at your mum's then while you see other family?

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

I've been to English wakes that were a cup of tea & a quiet brief chit chat v.s Scottish wakes that go on until last orders (& a punch up is always included by DH's family...) if it were the former would your kids manage to go for a walk together before joining you back at your mum's house? Or watch a film (maybe on an iPad in the car or would someone have an empty house /garden they could use?)

I'm so sorry you feel excluded but I can understand your mum wanting the wake at home.

YANBU OP. Your mum does of course take precedence, but I'd like to think my mum would consider my needs and my DC's needs if I were in your shoes. I hope you manage to find a solution. If you think of something that would work please don't be shy in asking for favours (eg using someone's empty house), people want to help when there's a funeral

Send them upstairs, (aim to get them installed before too many people get back)

pray for nice day so that folks can be in the garden ,Wakes are not known for being noisy events, so if you find they really cant cope THEN take your leave.

give them a chance- they may surrise you if you explain upstairs is for them and them only

Could you find somewhere to take them for a couple of hours after the funeral (restaurant if that's an option, park, airbnb?) then go to your mum's as the wake is winding down?

I totally hear you about always winding up alone but in this case I think if she needs to have it at her house then so be it. It is very unlikely to be about you, no matter how personal it feels. You could see if offering to helping with the costs could swing her back to the other venue.

Tough position for you and your mum.

You say your children will be severely overwhelmed with the amount of people in the house, will they be able to cope with the actual funeral?

I'd give it a shot. They might surprise you. If it goes wrong and they can't cope then you leave. But if you give it a go nobody can say you've tried your best in a difficult situation all round.

How about taking them to a park, using a friends empty house as their safe space. Noise cancelling headphones. You can check up on them and bring them whatever they need. But my concern is because they are likely aren't able to cope with the wake, what will make them cope with the funeral? As it's still an unknown place, lots of people etc.

would your kids sit in the car with a window open (in the shade) & play with phones / music for 20 mins while you stop by with your family? That would be a safe familiar space for them.

I do think that your mum should be able to have the wake in her own home if that's where she feels safest and most supported. I don't think YABU to feel hurt as you can't help how you feel, but I do think you need to realise that your mum isn't intentionally making decisions to hurt you. Instead, she is making the decision that is right for her and she may not have the capacity to consider other people right now.

Are your dc at mainstream schools? I am just wondering what the school does to support them when plans unexpectedly change, and what they themselves think is the 'least worst' option from those available (quiet room at your mum's house, nearby hotel, not coming etc). It feels like a compromise should be possible with planning and preparation and I hope you manage to work something out op.