Anniversary dinner

[yesterdaysbread]

Today is my and DH 1 year anniversary. The first year of marriage has been quite rocky unfortunately and we have been in therapy for a little while for our communication problems.

he rarely does special things for occasions, he was brought up to think getting presents on birthdays was extravagant (family with plenty of resources but hairshirt hippy type, this is an important detail).

I have told him before how this is a problem for me, eg on my first Mother’s Day not even a card but he did say ‘happy mother’s day’. I told him a card would have been nice, or a cup of tea in bed.

He hardly ever cooks. Partly because I am a bit of a fussy eater but we’ve been together 5 years, he knows what I like, or he should. He has cooked on my birthday once.

After explaining how upset I was about him basically not communicating with me recently and not making me feel special he said he would cook for our anniversary. I looked in the shopping bag earlier and saw fish. I am not a big fan of fish but he is cooking it as he thinks it’s good for me. He knows I’m not a massive fan. He was also raised to think you should eat everything, but basic food, his favourite meal is boiled potatoes with a piece of meat and steamed veg. Fair enough but I happen to like more exciting food. He has said before that he holds a grudge against me for this, it’s one of my behaviours that to him makes me seem a spoiled brat.

aibu to feel disappointed and that he should have tried to cook something I actually like, or should I just be glad he’s cooking?

Bump…I can hear him cooking now and want to know how I should react when he serves up 😂

Yanbu. He should cook something you like.

@SeriousAlligator thank you. Yes I think so too 😔

I don’t know what to say really. I’m shocked you’ve been together 5yrs and not yet worked out a compromise in regards to celebrating birthdays/mothers/Father’s Day and in regards to meal planning. It’s one thing for you to say you want x and him to say, no that’s too extravagant…but why aren’t you both actually discussing and coming to an specific agreement?

I agree you both have communication issues and am glad to read you are in therapy. It seems you both can say what you individually want or think, but then just let it fester and not nail down a detailed compromise or agreement of some sort.

In regards to your birthday dinner…it’s great you both agreed he’d cook you a special birthday dinner, but why didn’t you two seal the deal by agreeing on the menu? You are perfectly reasonable to be disappointed by a surprise fish for your birthday dinner, but that’s really a consequence of you both not hammering out the details. I can’t really see that he or you are wholly to blame per se, it’s both of you.

The devil is in the details…and not nailing those down is what is causing the issues between the two of you.

Depends whether you want to start an argument and ruin the evening! I’d pick your battles - he’s cooked for you that’s a start

If he never cooks For you I would smile and say thank you as he is making a little Bit of an effort.... But then tomorrow take yourself Out to your favourite place for lunch or treat yourself to a nice take away tomorrow. Best of both worlds?

So what is your contribution to the 1st year anniversary?
It should ideally be equal effort and done together?
Perhaps do some side that you like or something

When he serves it, say thank you.

I'm worried you are your DH a are not compatible. You seem to want and like different things.

Yes it would be great if he cooked something you like but you also sound demanding and critical. What makes him happy?

@Discovereads I agree with what you’ve said, we don’t have any details of specific compromises.

but also maybe you’re right @dcadmamagain and I should count my blessings he’s done something nice rather than criticise

Oops, it’s an anniversary dinner…even more reason to have agreed on the menu. And I also agree with the question, what have you done for him? Anniversaries are supposed to be two way celebrations and making each other feel special and loved.

@Hellshotforgoodreason that’s a great idea thank you. I have actually ended up doing this for days out…we can never seem to get it together to have a family day out and today he had some work to catch up on so I just took our son out for the day. It hasn’t been a very celebratory day so far

It's a difficult one because on principle he should be making way more effort than this and I read it all wondering why you want to be married to someone like that.

On the other hand, you are clearly committed to making it work and it's your life not mine so my advice is to be grateful for the tiny effort he is doing and say thank you. With my ex, one of the reasons he didn't make much effort do do things like this was because he felt criticised whenever he did (I didn't realise how picky I was coming across) and that nothing he could do would be good enough so he did nothing. We worked that out (we broke up for other reasons) because I started biting my tongue when he cooked something with no flavour or got me a present I didn't like. The more encouragement he felt the more effort he put in and it did improve things between us massively.

Perhaps try being greatful that he's cooked. Maybe in a few days, say that you realise you're a fussy Eater and you both like different meals , and you thought it might be good to draw up a list of meals you both like. It can be anything , some complicated, some simple. Maybe include some of his meals but add something to make to your taste (like with the meat veg, perhaps add a sauce for you). It's all about compromise.

I'm a nightmare for food textures but my husband will bring me dinner in the way that I like it served up so nothing is soggy. He knows all my weird food habits. Love him for that.

I'm sorry op but you already knew what a dead horse he is
But you still married him and insist on still flogging him
What's the point? He disappoints you and yet you know what to expect
You think it's funny? He's not going to change, leave him and go find
Someone who's more your style
Leave him to his simple joyless ways

You want him to cook, he's cooking, you do eat fish it's just not your favourite thing. Honestly if that was DH I'd tell him to cook for himself. Why not just discuss what to have for dinner before he goes out and gets it if you're that fussy, rather than wait for him to buy it, start cooking and then turn your nose up. There may well be other issues but it sounds like you're looking for an argument.
As for how do you react when someone dishes up your dinner, you say thank you.

It doesn't really sounds like he likes you much.

You seem poles apart on some fundamentals and I am surprised at the length of your relationship to be honest.

Long relationships involve a fair amount of compromise. My DH’s family is very much everyday little things to show love, my family are big gift givers. Over the years we’ve rubbed off on each other and found a balance between the two. In the same vein whoever is cooking will often cook two slightly different meals as we have different food tastes but we wouldn’t serve up something that we specifically knew the other wasn’t keen on. Especially not for an anniversary.

Your husband seems very much his way or the highway. As for calling you a spoiled brat for something as simple as not wanting bland food, that would be the beginning of the end for me.