Unsure how to approach this - pubertal tween

[Unsureaboutwhattodo]

Our 12 year old has been going through puberty for a little while now. We have been having some more open conversations about puberty and the physical and mental changes that happen, so they feel relatively confident about what is happening. However, they have also started searching for nude online content, and although we can control what they find online, we want to know what else we can do.

DH and I both recognise how normal it is for kids going through puberty to want to look at nude pics. DH said his mates had access to porn and porn magazines from a young age, and it was really bad for him. I had, as an older teen, access to porn. We both don't want DC to have any access to porn of any type at least until he is an adult (or forever, if I had my way) so their brain has some way of catching up their hormones, and they have more of an idea of the harm porn can do to them and future relationships. It is highly unlikely, however, that we will be successful. So what do other parents do?

DC also has most likely an addictive personality (ADHD), so just talking to him about it doesn't have the impact it has had on our other NT tween.

He's a boy, OP slipped up once on the pronouns.

This thread is going to get deleted anyway

I think all you can do is have really strict controls on your internet at home.
Sadly you can’t influence what friends may show your son.
You can explain to him what porn is and give him alternative sources of information though.

She says he's a boy.

ADHD is not NT wtf. People with ADHD are highly susceptible to internet and gaming addiction due to the constant dopamine hits. Event as an adult, if you're curious you risk ending up down massive research rabbit holes for hours when you only logged on to order a new mop. 😳😳

I can totally see how it could become addictive and with a son a similar age any video watching and game playing and screen time of any sort is really attractive to him. He can't just walk away from it as easily as his siblings.

You can't stop him having access to porn before he's an adult.

He has too many opportunities to get access to it regardless of what you do, if you block the home internet he'll either find a way round that or access on a connection elsewhere like a friends house/device. Then there's books, magazines, tv channels.......

It would be better to have open conversations about the fact that porn is not reality, that it is over exaggerated, often doesn't consider the woman's needs, that it is exploitative and in many cases causes actual harm to the 'stars' who may or may not have consented.

Make sure he knows that choking people, rough sex, sex that last 3 hrs with 2 and a half hours of that being oral sex from a very willing and excited woman, anal sex etc is not standard.

I try to talk to DS about the harms of porn a lot though and we try to maintain some control over the amount and content of what he's looking at.

It's tricky when I know he has some friends with parents like us and some who don't seem to check or control what their DC do and allow games with 18 ratings etc. :(

There’s nothing you can do other than making sure you have all the available parental controls on your internet. He will definitely see nudity and more at some point on a friend’s phone etc if he hasn’t already. It’s totally normal for him to be interested. Addictive personality is not a factor here.

Have a conversation with him about porn and why it isn’t a representation of real sex and why it can often depict violent and abusive behaviour.

I don't mean massive lectures by 'talk a lot' btw. 😅

Just mention it if it comes up or if he's sent stupid videos by friends. Trying to make sure that he's ok to tell me if he sees something or is sent something that's not right.

(Sorry spot the person with ADHD who is trying to get to the point... b😬adly

You can do what you can, but it's unrealistic to think he/she/they will not see nude pictures or porn if they want to, either on their own devices or friends'.

Derail because I just need to know...

@Lola4321 sorry but I am just @ you regarding your idea about 'most people with ADHD being NT'.

What do you even think ADHD is? 🤔

Do you just have regular conversations about this? Also, an addictive personality would be problematic. Once he experiences something he enjoys, he becomes immediately obsessed, and we have to have extremely firm boundaries around everything, including food. Eg: he will eat half a jar-full of Nutella on one piece of bread. I shudder think what it could be like with porn.

DH said maybe it would be better giving him a swim-suit magazine or something, but that gives me the creeps. Realistically, though, there are probably lots of teenage boys with this 'reading' material.

ADHD is a neurodiversity.

Autism is a neurodiversity.

Please don't downplay the sometimes extreme effects of ADHD.

@Lola4321 ADHD is not NT

Argh I did another big ramble @Unsureaboutwhattodo and lost it.

I just try to keep talking to him. He doesn't exactly make good decisions online - he went on a (very innocent kids art related) site where you could create and share gaming related content for example. Created an account and was getting messages from randoms. Had the chat about they could be anyone.

A while later set himself up a Discord account with a fake age - I spotted notification emails and he said it's just for talking with friends. But was getting all kinds of notifications from stuff he'd replied to promising free stuff. 🤦

But with all gaming and online related stuff there's a feeling of 'never enough' and gets annoyed having to get off the console for meal time etc.

My latest waffle was on the theme of comparing what I and DH had access to as teens compared to kids now, the reason that films and games have age ratings and why it might not be a good idea to be exposed to every single thing at a young age, including a bit about porn.

I wouldn't be happy with him searching for nudes aged 12.

Well if they didn't know about it already the RSHP lessons on schools up here in Scotland probably give them links to porn sites going by some of the weird videos they include. 🙄

But seriously I'm under no illusion that while we were looking up 'sex' and 'penis' in the dictionary, kids can Google anything they want from a young age.

So we can have decent search filters etc in place, check their devices regularly to spot problems and just keep talking to them as much as we can.

@Galvantula that is so true. We had such limited internet access in comparison to what kids have these days.

One big issue is that my husband and I were raised in households where were given no education from our parents about puberty or sex (this was probably quite normal then). So I am unsure whether there is something we have missed or not in promoting healthy sexual habits/ideas or whatever you want to call it. The end result from this thread, though, is to just keep talking about it.

Is there a book you can get him?

Presuming you've set parental controls on his online access and doing your best to talk to him about his body changing / puberty? You'll need to create a very open space for him to feel free to talk to you both. I fear for tweens these days - they're just so overwhelmed by content and have 24/7 access to damaging content. A huge part of this might just be you letting him ride the wave and come out the other side.

I have ADHD, I am ND not NT 🤔

I get the addiction thing, I get addicted to lots of things, some addictions last for months and others for years. I found my dads stash of porn magazines when I was about 10 years old but tbh it didn’t really interest me at all, of course I was intrigued by naked people but not what they were actually doing, though my older brother seemed more interested 😬. I did show interest in a swimwear catalogue that came in the post for my dad.

I think all you can do is keep talking to him, let him know he can ask anything. I have teen DD’s so a little different but I do talk to them about porn and how harmful and fake it is.

Boys have been looking ar porn for decades.i remember in the 70s boys t hat age having secret 'top shelf' magazines

Yes @fUNNYfACE36 , but as I said above - what is available now is very, very far from 'top shelf magazines'.

Both the quantity, and levels of brutality of the porn videos available for free is well documented these days.