To think I’m being taken for an idiot?

[Bnxybee]

I’m a bit drunk so I’ll probably regret this post in the morning, but here goes …

I’ve had an absolutely horrible day/night.

My husband and I had a huge row the other week (check my previous threads). I mistakenly left my phone with DH today. I left it in DS’s toddler bag when I went to work and there are screenshots of our arguments on there (about how he shouted and swore at me the other week). There are also screenshots of him accusing me of me cheating whilst I was on a camping trip with the girls and DS. I kept the screenshots because I needed reassurance that I’m not crazy and that he had gone too far.

Anyway, I work in a busy catering environment and I find it hard to concentrate at the best of times (I actually have an ADHD diagnosis). But today, I was a complete mess and couldn’t concentrate at all. He has threatened me with custody in the past and it’s all I thought about at work today. He has admitted to going through his ex gf’s phone when he suspected her of cheating so I was terrified he’d go through my phone and see the messages about contacting a solicitor, etc. I was a total mess. I spilt vinegar everywhere, I got orders wrong, and I burst into tears mid shift. Then I overheard my manager say that she normally has patience but that I had done her head in tonight and tested her patience to the limit. I apologised then burst into tears again - embarrassingly. She basically told me to get a grip.

Anyway, DH returned my phone but he didn’t go through it. After work, we headed off out to my friend’s house and that’s when things got weird. I’ve spoken to my friend a lot about the issues in our marriage. Whilst we were at her house, she told DH and I that she had brought a spare pair of knickers out with her in case she pulls, then pulled out a pair of thongs and showed DH. When we arrived at the club, she put her arms around him to steady herself. Later on that night, a 20-year-old guy pinched her arse and he went ballistic. He got him chucked out the club (understandably) and kept checking up on her all nights. When I questioned him, he told me it’s just that he takes sexual assault very seriously. He also made a suggestive comment about her dress. She also commented that he’s “on form tonight”.

When we got home, I made it clear how upset I was. He told me he’s upset that I’m upset and that I’ve let her ruin our night.

Either I am the problem and it’s all in my head. Or I’m a complete idiot who should stop letting people treat me like s*.

which one is it?

Umm are you like 20 or something?

Is he your child’s father?

For starters, ditch your "friend".

For seconds, are you in a union? If not - join one. It is unacceptable to be told to get a grip when you are clearly in the throes of an emotion you are temporarily unable to manage at work. You need advice about what help & accommodations can be made for you around your ADHD.

Thirdly, your husband is a triangulating, DARVO'ing arsehole.
He told me he’s upset that I’m upset and that I’ve let her ruin our night.
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617

www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

He shouts, swears at you, accuses you of cheating, cheerfully admits to invading & snooping on his ex's private comms, & is coming over as a controlling twat.
What's in it for you, in this marriage?

I’m not twenty but I understand it comes across as a very childish post.

I used to support adults with mental health and learning difficulties and was working towards a degree. I drove all the time and had substantial savings.

Now I’m scared to drive anywhere. I have a dead end job where people treat me like s* and can barely clean my house, let alone complete a degree.

I don’t know what the hell happened to me 😭

Bnxybee - it sounds like you are struggling with depression &/or anxiety.
I wonder how much of this is caused by the constant conflict in your marriage?

Please consult your GP - ask for a double appointment so that you can talk to her like you have opened up here. You seem to have gone from a competent career woman to someone who is feeling utterly overwhelmed. You have NO need to regret this post in the morning btw - view it as your first step toward getting some much-needed help. It happens to a lot of us - you are not alone xx

Do you have children?
If not, then the divorcing him will be easier and you'll find that your depression lwill disappear. Your MH issues are because of your husband so you need to treat the cause & not just the symptoms.

Did you read the OP?

It literally mentions her son's toddler bag and her husband threatening to take custody of their son.

You need to get away from your husband whether you have children or not. Do you have old friends (not the thong waver) who might help and who may have warned you about your husband? Or family who could help?

You can be that person again but you need to take action. Dont do anything precipitous and lock your phone or delete stuff that you need to keep private. Are you sure your husband didn't access your phone? Don't under any circumstances tell him that you're leaving.

Tbh I just want to up and leave but don’t think it’ll do me any favours.

Just to add more detail…

Not only did my “friend” show him the spare thongs in her bag. She talked to him about her sex toys. Put her arms around him. A drunk 21-year-old touched her arse and he went ballistic and got him thrown out the club. He then said to her, “and you wandered about that dress”.

I’ve never felt so small, disrespected and humiliated as I did yesterday. Both in work and with the people I’m supposed to trust.

it’s my fault because I’ve allowed it.

You need to distance yourself from being SO derailed by what other people think /do.

This is very easy to type and harder to implement. Would you consider doing the exercises in Kirsten Neff Phd and Chris Germer's Mindful self-compassion work book???

I'm a bit of a ''do the work'' junkie and I found that work book immensely helpful as I had been too reactive beforehand.

That's not to say that you just surround yourself with hurtful people and learn to inure yourself to their bad behaviour. NOT AT ALL.

Walk away from people who do not leave you feeling supported and respected. If people undermine you and disrespect you, distance yourself as much as you can and work on self-compassion towards yourself.

If I had a boyfriend that made me feel so awful, and a friend who flirted openly with a man I'd told her was awful, I'd think she had even lower standards than I had.

Get these people out of your life so that you can concentrate on your job.

xxx

Why would it not do you any favours to leave?

Do you mean you'd be swapping one set of problems (emotional) for another set of problems (financial). Is that what you mean?

You've been ground down to nothing by an abusive man.

When I left my x he went on all the time about how I couldn't drive (so what) and how I was too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal, how I'd lost every job I'd ever had. That was kind of true but at the same time, I'd had the jobs maybe 4 years before they relocated me or made me redundant so it wasn't like I couldn't hold down a job.

I left with NOTHING but when you're not being ground down constantly you have the freedom to feather your own nest. You can support yourself, respect yourself, make the decisions that are right for you and your child.

When I left I finally had the freedom to put myself first. Initially it was hard financially but because I didn't have the vampire that he was draining me and forcing me to put my rights/needs last, I was in a better situation before too long.

I only regret not leaving sooner. Honestly that is my ONLY regret. I put up with him for far too long.

Do you have somewhere to go? I think you should absolutely just leave.

This ^

You don't have to regret posting; you were simply being brave enough to give voice to all your genuine worries. Well done on taking that first step. Now, get away from the awful people undermining & hurting you. You are strong. You can do this. It won't be easy but you can get YOUR life back again & you'll be so happy that you did it. Best wishes, love xx

You're drinking far too much. Drinking that much will ruin your job, marriage and your child's life. It's already started.

Get a grip, like your boss said.

it’s my fault because I’ve allowed it.
No it isn't. Your DH comes across as a bully. Get out and get better friends. He's gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself because that's what bullies do.

So you had a really bad day at work and then decided it was a clever idea to go out drinking and clubbing? You sound incredibly immature and irresponsible. Look at the people you hang out with, a horrible dh and a very tacky friend. Where is your son in all of this. You need a plan to leave him and sort your life out.

I get yoire not twenty but I’m guessing you’re not far off it? What’s going on, you think your husband and friend are having an affair?

I agree with all the kind comments here. You sound like you have lost your confidence due to this ass hole.

Ignore the judgemental unhelpful comments and start making a plan to leave. It will be hard but you are a capable and strong person who knows that this isn't right. You are still the person who used to do all that stuff! Good luck 🤗

Thanks for your (mostly) kind comments. It’s actually the first time I’ve been clubbing since 2019. There was an event and my friend pre-ordered two tickets. I don’t often go out to pubs and clubs and I don’t often drink.