DH and I are at rock bottom

[atrockbottom2022]

We have a toddler son who we both absolutely adore, no question about that. But my partner is decidedly awful and getting worse. He's nearly always snappy, grumpy, moody and constantly brushes me off when I try to talk with him, to make a connection or just have a hug and a kiss. We've not had sex since I got pregnant and intimacy with him just feels light years away. I feel bottom of his priority list - below our son, quite rightly, but also below our dog, who he bestows affection on.

He runs his own business and I've asked him multiple times if he has any worries about future income, money and so forth but he swears that he doesn't. We have a relatively high mortgage but no debts and the credit card is paid off every month.

He's so hard to talk to and just snaps and gets annoyed and short tempered when I try to engage with him. He says it's the wrong time or makes some other excuse and it just makes me feel hopeless.

He is a very good dad to our son though, I will give him that.

Are we headed for divorce? I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I just feel so very alone.

Depends on if he snaps out of this and try's to communicate.

If you are at the point of thinking of divorce you need to issue an ultimatum of he commits to couples therapy or you initiate proceedings. Only say it if you mean it though, as it's silly to give up without trying therapy together but if he won't engage that's on him.

Thanks. I just feel hopeless, like I can't get through to him.

I'm not sure why I'm posting into the ether here but I guess I just feel so desperately alone,

I'm just posting here in the hope that someone has some words of wisdom I suppose, because I'm starting to think I can't go on much longer in this way.

Tell him that. Next time he snaps at you just say calmly "your snappiness and seeming contempt for me is making me genuinely question our marriage and whether we should stay together. I'm thinking we should separate. What do you think?"

Would it be possible for someone to look after your toddler for the weekend, and you go away with DH for a short break? Without baby distractions, you might find it easier to talk, and rediscover some of the old romance.

I try to do everything for our son - organise activities outside of nursery, research and buy him the new toys I know he'll be into (second hand of course!).

My husband has said to me that he doesn't regard this stuff as important, but I disagree.

Go to counselling. It’s worth a shot and if you then do decide to separate, then it will help with the communication.

Would you be able to try

• date night/day

-counselling / therapy

• simply saying how you feel

-planning a fun day out with all of you

• book a holiday or a night away
• if there's any depression going on get that addressed with the doctor
• jointing a hobby tighter, gym, golf, tennis
• set aside one evening or day a week where you go for a walk together
• try some yoga for your mental state

-lavender under pillow

• relax in bath or shower

-candles and incense

• fresh bedding
• get a takeaway to give yourself a break

I really recommend the book: Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. Its a fantastic book to help you unpick whether you should stay or go in a relationship. Its balanced and not geared towards either outcome, but it poses deep and important questions to ask yourself about the state of your relationship to help you make the right decision.

It must be awful to feel so rejected, I really do feel for you. You've tried to engage him, if there anywhere you can go for a week or two to put some space between you and to show him just how miserable you are.

Is there any way you can get a date night once a week, doesn't sound like it to be honest. I'd also think of trying relationship counselling with him as others have said.

In the meantime I'd get some interests of your own, because this constant belittling would drag anyone down. You need some focus that is for you, without him, that makes you feel good.

OP is there a possibility he's masking depression or a MH issue?

My husband has said to me that he doesn't regard this stuff as important, but I disagree.

So are you saying you disregard his opinion? Was there any discussion as to why you hold differing views?

So are you saying you disregard his opinion? Was there any discussion as to why you hold differing views?

Did you read the sentence before that? The OP has said she does everything for her son re activities, nursery, buying him things, etc. And her partner has openly said he does not consider that important. Too fucking right she holds a differing view, any decent parent would!

I second that recommendation for the book. Good luck.

It does sound like he has checked out and staying for your son. Have you asked about conselling. If he isn't interested then it may be that he want to leave. You mention that he doesn't value your contribution, is he the sole earner? If so, could it be that he is feeling the financial pressure and with the high mortgage feeling resentment towards you?

You are limited in options if he wont engage. It's normal when your child is so young for your relationship to feel like it's taken a back seat, I remember being grumpy and irritable with my husband and he was the same with me, it's easy when you're tired to blame the other person for things and snap at them. However I think in the back of my mind I always thought/ hoped it would be temporary and wanted things to work and I'm not sure your husband does. It's a worrying sign that you've told him how you feel and its still never the right time for him to discuss it.

I think I would either write him a letter and explain that if things don't change then you're really concerned for the future of your marriage and ask to talk about the future without blame or put downs. Or ask him to have a chat about how you are getting on with each other - schedule it in, somewhere public, without your son there e.g. while on a walk or in a cafe. Or give him the ultimatum of counselling or you leave

I was going to ask about depression too, when my DH was first diagnosed his moods and temper were awful, I couldn't ask a question without getting 1 word answers or shouted at.

It’s not much fun for you, this situation. I think he either faces the fact there’s a problem and engages with counselling to improve things, or it’s over.

I try to do everything for our son - organise activities outside of nursery, research and buy him the new toys I know he'll be into (second hand of course!).

Maybe the husband disagrees with organised activities and researched toys. Maybe he thinks searching for worms and building sand castles are better. I don't know, which is why I asked.

He's checked out of the partnership and he won't talk to you. Get rid!

I had one of those for years, kept thinking I had to stick to the vows and commitment.

He continued to check out and eventually stopped earning or taking any responsibility. Now I earn just enough to look after us both: no savings, no support, no help ever.

I would have been much better off ditching him years ago.