Why am I so shite at social interactions?

[Belatedeyebrows]

Went to a party yesterday. I was really excited to go. Its with a group of work colleagues and it's the first time I've been out in ages. I used to get invited a lot but then I had my baby and of course, covid happened and I sort of got dropped off the list.
I like these people and get on well with them but today I have spent the whole day analysing each interaction, making sure I said the right thing, worrying about sending a message to group incase I have to clarify what I said. My dh was with me and I've been asking him all day if I was embarrassing or said anything wrong and he's trying to reassure me that it looked like I was having fun and so were the others. I just don't believe it. I feel so needy, it'd ridiculous! How do I stop this?

Have you always been like this at least a little? Or is this all because you’re out of the habit?

Have a think - can you remember if anyone else at the party said the wrong thing, or said something daft? If you can't, then it is equally likely that they won't think you said something wrong or daft.

If you've been out of the loop for a while then it might take a bit of time to get back into socialising. It sounds as though you got on well with your colleagues before, so there is no reason not to now.

I'm like this; have ASD and I think the lack of interaction over COVID has put me out of practice. I need the practice because socialising is a learned skill for me! I'd say don't worry about it, but I would also be overanalysing 😆

If you were drinking you will get The Fear anyway. After my 2nd pregnancy i was awful for what you've described and faily after each text I'd send another explaining i didnt mean xyz and hope no offence etc.
With The Fear my friend once said "you're not like that in real life how you imagine you were the so why toture yourself" i was picturing fights and all and not necessarily after being drunk, just anxiety. After that chat i calmed and now the ovrr analysing what I say is gone cos i dont have time anymore to waste on that silliness. Give yourself a break, baby anxiety is awful and on top of that adjusting back to nights out after covid is also a big deal. Your DP said you were grand, trust him and remember how much you laughed instead xx

adhd?

It's a thing with adhd.

No, I've not always been like this. Definitely out if practice then!
But its like I've never talked to anyone before. I had jittery nerves most of the night.
My friend also asked me if I had been drinking, which I hadn't so felt perhaps I was happy but to the extreme.
I've done really well not messaging anyone but I keep replaying every conversation. I'm over analysing and reading into everything. It just feels too much!
It's taken my whole day. Crazy.

Thanks for your replies as well.

I'm currently at a wedding and hiding in the loo for a break as I'm finding al the socialising hard going. So you are not alone! I've had some ok chats (I think) but I'm feeling all talked out now and there is still so much of the day left to go.

This might sound a bit mean, but the world does not revolve around you! This is something I tell myself if I find myself worrying the way you are right now (which does happen sometimes if I've been drinking alcohol especially).

Most people are way too focused on themselves and their own words/actions and so on, to be sitting around thinking in minute detail about what others did. Unless you did something crazy like took all your clothes off, tried to seduce your boss and slapped a work colleague, I doubt many people will be thinking about what you did or said last night. They'll be either thinking nothing besides "that was a good/bad night" or they'll be worrying about how they came across themselves.

I'd suggest doing a couple of online ASD tests and see if ASD (in women-this is important) sounds familiar.

I think I could have ASD because I’ve just become so like this and jittery at quite minor interactions. The more I think about it, the more I worry about it and pre-empt the feelings so it’s just a spiral. I’m now on beta blockers to take before social things just to stop me launching into a full scale panic attack about it all, it’s ridiculous because never before in my life have I been like that but I’ve overthought it all so much I’ve caused it. My sister gets invited to hen dos, weddings etc that she doesn’t know anyone at and will just tag along. I can’t think of anything worse and would end up doing what the poster above is doing and hiding in the toilet. I don’t even go to works nights out because I don’t have a work ‘best friend’ as such so would be kind of floating between colleagues and I just worry about feeling awkward so prefer to stay in my nice safe house 🙈 I looked at going on antidepressants to help with anxiety but so far haven’t done anything about it. I find I’m a lot better after having a few drinks because my inner monologue is finally shut off

Can you post a few links for websites you think are good? I'm very interested, thank you.

is it worth thinking about CBT for social anxiety? It will help you recognise the thoughts (appraisals, assumptions, mind reading etc) that aren’t helping you and help you to recognise them and the very unhelpful self monitoring and post-match analysis. It will help you challenge unhelpful thinking and construct better ways of approaching social situations. It will also help you work out what behaviour helps and what behaviour feels like it helps (like reassurance seeking) but actually keeps the anxiety going.

it might be that you can develop some helpful strategies now so that the problem doesn’t encroach further. You’re not alone, the lockdowns have caused huge problems for people who had avoidance forced upon them and now are finding it harder to keep a lid on their anxiety or have developed problems they didn’t have before. This is a list of BABCP accredited CBT Therapists babcp.com/CBTRegister/Search#/

and this book might be helpful:

and this book might be useful www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-2nd/dp/1472120434/ref=asc_df_1472120434/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13141329183599914195&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045125&hvtargid=pla-416959137050&psc=1

It definitely is.

A dreadful mix of fear that you’re talking too much/interrupting/being boring while also not paying enough attention to make sure you pick up on things and respond appropriately. The latter makes it much worse, because then you’re worrying that you are coming across as totally self involved and like you’re not really interested in the other people.

Then there’s the post-socialising analysis where you fear you’ve been awful and are sure everyone hates you. It’s like hangxiety even without drinking any alcohol.

Sorry above the long link!

This sounds like a reaction that comes from seldom meeting or interacting in person socially. The more you do socialise and meet people the more likely this intrusive anxiety will diminish.

In the meantime a simple but effective technique to condition your own mind is to practise some new lines to replace the anxious self-questioning.

Make up your own or try this one:

Nothing bad is going to happen to me.

(Or retrospectively:

Nothing bad happened.)

Drill this into your head until it lodges there and you can summon it at will when the old nagging anxiety threatens.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander yes, I recognise that as someone with an inattentive ADHD diagnosis too, but unless OP has other traits and traits that were present in childhood (necessary to obtain a diagnosis) then it might be over pathologising to go straight to ADHD, especially as OP says the anxiety is new for her.

it’s worth looking at CBT for social anxiety in the first instance I think. Feel free to pm me @Belatedeyebrows if you want any pointers (I’m a CBT therapist) either for NHS services or more leads for properly accredited private therapists (who must be accredited byBABCP). You might be able to manage it without necessarily needing a therapist and nip it in the bud.

I wouldn’t go straight to ADHD for anyone, tbh…

i was more outlining what ADHD social anxiety can look like. Not trying to say the OP might need a diagnosis of anything.

Sometimes it’s just useful to recognise that there can be loads of different drivers of what might seem the ‘same’ problem (being shite at social interactions).

Actually thinking ‘why was that so hard for me?’ is probably helpful for anyone. Is it lack of practice? Is it something about the particular context? Is it related to something else in your life? Is something else entirely (having a brain like a bag of particularly jumpy cats, included)?

CBT is a good suggestion, whatever the issue though.

My checklist has alteady been mentioned

1. am I talking too much
2. is at least half of the conversation about them?
3. Have I got asked about things they’ve mentioned?
4. are they calm relaxed and smiling or looking around?