Aibu about annoying FIL and how to reply

[Hothammock]

FIL is the type who doesn't lift a finger about the house, not even making a cup of tea for himself nevermind for someone else. When he visits he assumes best spot, top of the table and is basically waited on the entire time. He gets irritated by active kids and is very big on table manners particularly children not leaving the table until they ask and are given permission. We don't have this ritual performance in my house. The kids stay at the table while everyone eats and then help clear up. I don't wait on them, they get up to fetch juice or cups or ketchup etc as required for themselves or if someone else needs it. We don't do the permission thing, they just get up and start clearing with the adults(except him). There is no messing around or toys etc so it is just the asking permission thing that vexes him.

He always comes out with the line... In my days we had to ask permission... children have different expectations now and don't seem to understand manners and so on.

Tbh I've had enough of ignoring it.
It's really annoying me.

What can I say back with out causing a family row? I feel like it's gone unchecked long enough and he is basically bullying the kids who are now big enough to register and start feeling self conscious. I don't subscribe to kids being made to feel inferior or shy around adults, I want them involved.

Just recite it along with him as you get on with the clearing up, then thank the children for being so helpful

This ⬆️

Your kids are sitting at the table politely until everyone’s finished, fetching things during the meal if needed, and helping to clear the table at the end of the meal and he thinks that’s bad manners!? It would be bad manners if they just wandered off the moment they’d eaten when nobody else had finished, but it sounds like your kids are really polite and helpful.

I think a brisk “This is our house, these are our children and they’re keeping to our rules. I won’t have you calling them ill-mannered when they’ve done nothing wrong. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to come here to eat” would be my response.

Him- in my day blah blah

You- I prefer it like this, we're all a team, cooking and tidying together. Rather than the old days where people expected to be waited on... (hard stare)

My house, my rules. Times change and so have we

My ex FiL was just like this, after a memorable Xmas dinner where I’d slaved all day getting everything just perfect. We where sat around about 8pm and Ex DH asked if anyone would like a drink and a Turkey sandwich - his dad replied yes please but you don’t need to do it son, notapizzareater will make it. He was told (by both of us luckily) that hell would be freezing over before I stepped foot in the kitchen that night and he could go hungry waiting for me to do it.

id be repeating my mantra ‘manners are free’ to him all the bloody time

Seems like not all the dinosaurs are extinct.

They HAVE permission.

Yes FIL, you said the same last week - we’re still politely ignoring you.

Children! Everyone! Sit down again. Apparently FIL is offended that we never let him clear the table.

Definitely say something every single time! My FIL used to comment on how slowly I ate (even though I was only slower than everyone else because they all inhale their food!) so one day he started mocking me because everyone else had finished but I was still eating, so I put my cutlery down & refused to eat another bite. In fairness you could see he felt awful about it, but I had to make a point to shut him up.

It does sound silly, but I’ve always had an issue with eating in front of people so it was bothering me every time he commented. He hasn’t said anything since.