to ask why some MNS are so against believing their kids

[lailamaria]

I see this a lot in threads about parents complaining about their childrens teachers or kids complaining about other children, i understand some kids lie but i think i'd rather take an allegation seriously ie a teacher insulting a child than just let my kid be bullied by their teacher. Obviously if they are lying have consequences but sometimes teachers are arseholes (family of teachers here, the stories i've heard) and kids do need to be listened too.

Kids misunderstand. They do sometimes out and out lie but more often they just get things wrong. Or exaggerate.

I used to work in the courts. Even with adults there are always two sides to a story. And usually the truth is neither of those versions and somewhere in the middle.

You can believe your child, but also want to find out what the school have to say without going in guns blazing and immediately accusing them of wrong doing.

Teachers can definitely lie to save themselves but children can see things differently.
I taught my own 6 year old last year and it was fascinating to hear her interpretation of classroom events as she would tell my husband. There were a couple of occasions where I could see how she had arrived at a conclusion through what she had seen but was totally wrong.

Nothing actually makes me eye roll more than the , "I know my child and he would never say something like that if it isn't true" brigade.

Children lie. I truly believe that it's not usually malicious or sly. But they mosremember, want things to be true, get sucked in etx.

That's not to say an allegation shouldn't be investigated but an open mind is needed.

I think it depends on the child

a friend of mine would always ring me if her children told her something infuriating about school because one particularly would always get the wrong end of the stick and she wanted to check with my children before going in all guns blazing. One highlight was what the new head had said at his first school assembly about the children looking like sacks of potatoes (with a sack of potatoes in a blazer as a demonstration model) except thats not what he’d said

it was a particular skill of ds1 to be able to repeat whole conversations while in junior school, he seemed to lose the ability when he was in senior school 🤔

I would tend to believe my children with something relating to school BUT i also would never go in all guns blazing

My DDs were always very honest and logical, being autistic.
I found out the hard way when I told them off for being silly in a large piano/musical instrument showroom.
I was at the till buying a piano when my then 4 and 5 year olds came rushing up saying that a man’s legs were dangling through the ceiling.
I repeatedly ignored them, until they dragged me round the corner - to where a poor salesman had been up to the attic store room and fallen through the joists! His top half was stuck in the attic, so we hadn’t heard him screaming for help.
They never let me forget that I hadn’t believed or trusted them, so I always did thereafter!

Because children’s perceptions of the truth aren’t always the real and full truth. You can believe your child is telling the truth to the best of their ability and still know that you aren’t getting the full story.

Children will innocently omit parts of the story that they don’t realise are important and focus on things that aren’t so important.

It’s just common sense to do what you can to check information before relying on it as the whole truth when it’s been told by a child. The parents that unfailingly believe their children no matter what and refuse to open their minds to any other scenario are usually wrong IME.

Sometimes leading questions will mean small children will say things that didn't happen, and it's often not possible to be clear about that. (With very rare exceptions - child comes out of reception class with a bumped head sticker on. Mum says "Did x push you again?". "Yes". X had pushed the child the previous week. Mum comes up to me when I have finished handing over child who's just had a nosebleed to his mum. "What are you going to do about x? She's pushed her again." "X is off sick today, your child ran into someone else.")

Children also wind each other up and turn things into stories between them, plus there is a natural urge to pass on the blame if they have done something wrong - siblings do this, so why not classmates too? The tricky bit is working out the most likely scenario!

I wouldnt say not to believe your child but I do think they have their own perspective. Its good to listen to their perspective and then consider others before taking action. I do first aid in a school and a child will say 'x punched me' and it is true. That was the child's experience. But when you investigate and get several eye witness accounts and get the child to act it out, it turns out x was putting on their jacket and got in a muddle and their arm pinged out. Its the same with trips and pushing.
I aldo find children say they were shouted at when someone uses a firm/steen tone but with no raised voice. They feel shouted at.

Maybe some parents who are inclined to believe their children were lied about as children themselves?

I also listen to my children but am open to alternative perspective. But ultimately until my child lies to me (happened a few times in teen years ) I would believe them.

Teenagers have the ability to take something that happens in a classroom and completely change the context of it so when retold to parents it's completely different. Sometimes it's malicious but mostly it's just how teenagers are but many parents seem to think their 15 year olds have a fully rational adult brain.

A lot of the time the truth js embellished in order by the child to try and exonerate themselves from a consequence for poor behaviour.

As a teacher I have found this to be increasing more over the past couple of years. More parents are becoming very defensive over their children's poor behaviour in the classroom.

I work in a primary school, which has a secondary school backed onto it. The playgrounds are back to back, and the primary children access their site by a footpath that runs up the side of the secondary yard.

Literally this week, a reception child comes running into the classroom, screaming that there's a bomb on the playground. We're all like "what the F?!" She was hysterical, in floods of tears.

Then mum comes hurrying in, (the kid had legged it in ahead of mum). There's no bomb, there's a fake canon in the secondary school playground. The Royal Navy are there, setting up a display for their cadets.

In my experience of little kids at school. There's always 3 versions of a story. Person 1s version of events, person 2s versions of events, and the actual truth.