To not give my daughter any more money

[Jamcustard]

So my eldest dd is 20 and a student.

a while back dd was in hospital and quite unwell . During that time her ‘friend’ messaged her claiming she’s getting kicked out can she borrow £140 for rent arrears . Dd being as vulnerable as she was , sent the money. A few days later , the same girl asks to borrow £30 for food because she hadn’t eaten all day and is starving , dd again sent the money but reminded the girl that she’s in hospital and unable to work so she really doesn’t have money to just be lending.

it got to the point where dd was being pestered for money and lent a total of £400 to this girl. The girl did not stop asking daily for money to which dd kept saying no she doesn’t have money . The girl would ask dd on a Saturday for money , dd would say no , she hasn’t even got money for food herself . Then on the Sunday the girl will ask dd if she’s got any money . Dd had already been suspicious and now the girl had claimed she’s been admitted to hospital and that the staff have agreed to go out and get her clothes but she has no money. Dd questioned this , the girl gave a name of a hospital which doesn’t seem to exist . Dd then told a little lie and said she can’t transfer money but will be in the area to drop off some cash if she needs it , the girl then said that the ward is strict on covid and nothing can be dropped off at reception or anywhere.
it got to a point where the girl was asking dd if she could borrow money from someone to transfer to her . Dd even got a message from her saying ‘I saw you went out last night , just wondering if you have any money for me’

this kept going on and on and the girls lies continued to get wilder . Dd today then saw a post on social media , the girls girlfriend asking her to come to the bedroom and give her a box of cigarettes. (The girl has previously said that her girlfriend lives miles away from the hospital and can’t get there to drop anything off ).

dd questioned this and the girl made dd feel bad for asking if she was actually in hospital, the girl claims the post was just an inside joke .

dd only told me about this today as she’s stressed about it . On one side I feel so bad for her because she is vulnerable (severe mental health issues) , on the other hand it seems she doesn’t understand the value of money if she can just lend it out like that . Dd admits there are days where she’s gone without eating or doing her laundry (circuit laundry) because she’s leant money to this girl and knew if she asked me for money I’d question where her money went.

aibu to stop lending dd money ? Or should I take this as a lesson learnt

You have to try and teach her to say no to this girl.

She is using your daughter. She is not her friend.

Dd has been saying no now that she can see the girl is lying . At the time dd had just had surgery and going through a crisis episode so dd was definitely used .
to lie about being in hospital and sleeping rough to get money from dd when she wasn’t able to work is really low but I don’t think there’s anything dd can do to get her money back now

Your daughter needs to block this “friend” on all sm and phone. She’s not a friend and is harassing. At this stage I don’t think you refusing to help your daughter will make any of you feel good. Is she close enough you can take her shopping/arrange a delivery for her? That way you’re not giving cash but ensuring she still has food herself?

I think it's important that you don't lend your daughter money for the time being. You need to help her get free of this parasite first.

What have you said to your daughter? It's not clear. Why hasn't she blocked the 'friend'? Surely she's not still sending her money? Has she asked for it back?

I think if your DD has MH problems, you need to take some control of this situation

Dd lives very far away . I’ve thought about maybe giving her vouchers like Tesco vouchers . She’s okay for money at the moment .

she hasn’t blocked the girl yet because she’s holding on to hope that she will get the money paid back (I’ve told her that it’s very unlikely) . She’s taken screenshots of everything though

your DD is an adult, but clearly very vulnerable and by the sound of it a bit gullible. The whole situation sounds worrying and this girl sounds like she is threatening your DD, and that she is afraid of her. I don’t know the best solution, but I know that if I was in this position with either of my daughters I would be saying that the girl needs to contact me if she wants to borrow more money, then giving this CF a bollocking. How dare she stalk your daughter’s social media and comment if/when she has been spending her own money?

I don’t know how to intervene . Dd is vulnerable , she just didn’t like the idea of someone knew struggling and so didn’t question it .

dd only works part time because she is a student and sometimes gets overwhelmed. Her student loan doesn’t even cover half her rent so I do help her out .

I don’t want dd to not feel able to come to me when she’s struggling but I also don’t want her to give this girl more money … so far she hasn’t as she actually confronted the girl who then tried to make dd feel bad

Is this girl at the same Uni? If so I would contact the safeguarding team at the university and make them aware that she is harassing, bulling and blackmailing your daughter into giving her money. You could always try ringing 101 and asking for some advice from the police as well. Your daughter may be an adult but she is clearly vulnerable and you need to do everything you can to help her.

No this other girl isn’t a student

Help your daughter compose a message that says I cannot give you any more money. You already owe me £X.

Get her to save it and just send it every time she asks for money.

In that case I would definitely be contacting 101 for some advice on how to deal with this harassment.

Is this girl a renter acquaintance of your daughters? Has she met her in real life?

it really does sound like an online romance - the wild lies, the manipulations and the targeting of a very vulnerable person.

I assume your daughter is undergoing treatment for her mental health. Can you encourage her to talk to her therapist about this? She is a vulnerable adult who is being exploited.

I think you need to step in. Even though your daughter's an adult. Find the girls number, tell her to keep the fuck away from your daughter or you'll have the police onto her for harassment and sue her for loan repayment.

They have met in person . They met in person before they started talking online .

she has spoken to her mental health team but they just agreed that it’s really low of someone to do that but didn’t say anything else about it. Dd is going through a difficult time again and I think their priority at the minute is her immediate safety .

I would actually go and see DD, some things are better talked about in person.
I would also end up DD has blocked this girl for good. Maybe it's worth mentioning this other girl to the MH team.
Lastly, you can still support your DD by doing an online shop and have it delivered to get address or talk to her landlord (If possible) and pay the rent directly.

These are all very good ideas. Didn’t even think to get her shopping delivered to her.

dd doesn’t want me to come and see her at the minute, she seems to be pushing everyone away

I’d be teaching DD that sone people out there are lowlifes and the best thing you can do is cut them off. This girl is never going to repay the money. Best thing she can do is draw a line under it, block her and put it down to experience. We all get taken in by these types from time to time, it doesn’t make her stupid. She was being a good friend but now she knows some red flags which show the other person isn’t being a good friend in return.

Then send her a food delivery and include a little treat for her because adulting us hard sometimes. Let her know you’re on her side

You can get pretty much everything delivered or paid direct now, so yes cut off cash, this girl is only going to get worse.

I would call 101 to get advice from the police on whether this could count as harassment or extortion - I think it’s both. If they aren’t helpful, just talk to a solicitor And then get a solicitor to write a letter to this girl for you - she needs to be scared off.

This isn't your daughter's friend block her or tell your daughter to change her number. This girl is no more than a scammer. X

Yes she’s already beating herself up about it and saying she’s so stupid so I don’t want to give her a hard time .
she does work hard when she’s working but can’t work much because she’s a student and also because her managers don’t want to overwhelm her.

I like that idea, will add some chocolate and a couple of face masks to the order so she can pamper herself a bit .

shes known this girl for years and never had any problems but then again she’s never leant money to a friend either . I’ve always told her not to borrow from friends and not to lend to friends . It’s so low of this girl to do .

for now I think I’ll just spend money on dd by getting her what she needs and not giving her the money . She’s very fragile right now , I don’t want to upset her

Sorry but your DD does not sound capable of living independently at this point in time. Can you fetch her home? If not, I think you should notify the authorities where she is. You could also consider using socisl media to contact the other girl directly and warn her off.

I have begged her to come home , especially as it’s the summer but she doesn’t want to . It’s a worry every night , constantly have my phone on loud because I don’t know if she’s going to end up in hospital or sectioned . They just seem to let her go and the cycle repeats . Then there’s times where she’s okay , she will go to work , socialise with people etc

I'm sorry but a bit of chocolate and a face mask isn't going to make this situation go away! Your vulnerable daughter is being bullied, harassed and manipulated by this girl. Who has stolen hundreds of pounds off her, and wants more! By the sounds of it you are helping to fund your daughter living away from home, that needs to stop. She's not capable of looking after herself and making sensible decisions quite clearly! You have to step in here. You need to go and see your daughter, you need to speak to the police and you need to speak again to her mental health team. This is a serious safeguarding issue and I can't believe how passive the supposedly were when you said she had already spoken to them.

I have contacted the police now , I’m waiting for them to get back to me . She doesn’t want to see me , I can’t force her . I have travelled to her before when she didn’t want to see me and she did not let me see her when I arrived.
the mental health team tell me she’s an adult and she has capacity so if she doesn’t want to see me and she doesn’t want to come home , I have to leave her be .

it’s difficult because she is vulnerable and she can get very unwell but she is also high functioning so I think people don’t realise how unwell she is sometimes .