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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not know how to juggle FT work and family.

26 replies

CalamityControllingQ · 08/07/2022 20:55

Help! After a few years of my career taking a back seat, I started a fantastic career opportunity a year ago. The role is full on but mostly remote and flexible and I rarely work outside my contracted 40 hours. The pay is ok but it is a wonderful opportunity with plenty of scope for career progression. My kids are all primary school age +. The problem is my DH earns 3 times my salary in a very demanding role where he is out the house for the children's waking hours. He is now able to work from home once a week which helps but he has also had some medical issues which have limited his assistance so that nearly everything else falls to me. We already have a cleaner, shop online etc...I just don't know how else to cut corners and not spend all weekend doing chores and life admin. We don't have family help and I also have to manage my elderly widowed father from 200 miles away - at the moment he is just lonely but will need more in coming years. I LOVE my new job but since taking it I now hate the rest of my life and don't know how to get work life balance without throwing in the towel on my job... unfortunately part time hours are not an option. I feel so inadequate as the rest of the world seems to manage work and family and actually have some leisure time. What trick am I missing?

OP posts:
Drivebye · 08/07/2022 21:44

Whilst it sounds like your DH can't to physical stuff (apologies if I've got that wrong) this doesn't preclude him from admin. I suspect this is just the big standard case of your DH being used to you doing it all and not stepping up. The fact he earns more than you is irrelevant.

Gazelda · 08/07/2022 22:00

Do you do the school runs? Are the DC in childcare after school? Are you setting your standards too high? Does DH realise how much is falling to you and that you're finding the work/life balance a struggle?
As well as the one day a week WFH, could he also take the DC to school one day a week, or pledge to finish in time to do the bedtime routine once a week?

Yummymummy2020 · 22/01/2023 21:44

Could you get a nanny? I’m just thinking they would do the kids laundry, prepare food and even school lunches so you could come home with none of those bits to do? I know they are primary age but it could still help a lot! Your husband should help more with admin also!!!

PolarBeear · 22/01/2023 21:48

The trick you're missing is thinking you can get it all done...you can't, no one can! Leave the house in a mess and go out...most people cut corners by not giving a shit and lowering their standards...it's a myth that everything should look like a show home.

theworkwasthething · 22/01/2023 21:51

Yep. DH needs to do "life admin" and you don't need to do everything on the weekend.

Don't beat yourself up, nobody can do it all. But keep the job. You'll manage.

cowsaysmoo · 22/01/2023 22:00

As others said, you can't put too much pressure on yourself.
If that's an option, could you have a cleaner twice a week or even get a house help two to three times a week?

FawnFrenchieMum · 22/01/2023 22:04

You’re definitely not alone! I’m constantly behind on housework, laundry and / or admin. I look at others and wonder how they do it all but I’m sure behind closed doors many many other FT working mums feel the same.

Avacadoandtoast · 22/01/2023 22:12

You aren’t alone - Instagram has us all thinking everyone’s lives are perfect, they aren’t!! We both juggle full time jobs and are constantly shattered - I keep telling myself it will get better but realistically I think it will be several years before it really does. I think a poster has suggested it above, but we are considering hiring a nanny, I think that would help greatly.

YouJustDoYou · 22/01/2023 22:15

I couldn't do it. I had a full on 40 hour a week wfh job, dh out the country a lot and three kids. Money was shite and wasn't worth it to fork out £36 per day on before and afterschool care. I quit.

MegBusset · 22/01/2023 22:15

Can you compress hours?I do full time in a busy job but compress so I do a nine-day fortnight with no loss of pay. That one extra day off is a lifeline for my work/life balance.

And as others have said, throw money at the problem as much as you can,and lower your standards!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/01/2023 22:16

Drivebye · 08/07/2022 21:44

Whilst it sounds like your DH can't to physical stuff (apologies if I've got that wrong) this doesn't preclude him from admin. I suspect this is just the big standard case of your DH being used to you doing it all and not stepping up. The fact he earns more than you is irrelevant.

This.

could your dp go part time? Lose a day or an afternoon?

onelife22 · 22/01/2023 22:17

@PolarBeear that's exactly what I do. Turn a blind eye to the 100000 things that need doing in the house and just go out.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 22:18

As others have said I am a bit suspicious of a man who can work 40 hours a week but do nothing else outside work because of health issues. He could cut hours. And / or do more that fits in with his limitations.
Other than that its cut standards or outsource

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 22/01/2023 22:23

I wfh and try to use my lunch breaks during the week to get house stuff done. Washing goes on in the morning, hung at lunch, if there’s any to put away I do that whole the kids are mucking around getting ready for bed. Kitchen is done in the evening, hoover run around. Bathroom cleaned while I’m showering.

It doesn’t always get the deep jobs done but if I manage that a few days a week it wins me time at the weekend.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 22/01/2023 22:25

What might also help is give up one weekend where your kids watch loads of telly and you and DH hammer the house to get it roughly into shape, then it’s easier to keep on top of for a good few months?

littlelovely · 23/01/2023 06:24

My job is demanding and involves travel too so can be very full on. Despite that, I tend to do my life admin on work days, finding a few minutes here and there to sort the house, laundry, make calls. What specifically is it that takes over weekends?

in our house, I’m the one who earns 3x as much as my husband but I don’t use that as an excuse to do nothing around the house or be unavailable during the children’s waking hours. If my work is very busy, I pause at dinner /bedtime the resume once they are asleep. I’d be challenging this with your husband to be honest.

Irisheyesareshining · 23/01/2023 06:27

Is your father claiming Attendance Allowance ? If he is he could use this to get help around the house, my mum has a lady go to help her a few hours a day cleaning and a bit of company for her, it’s made a huge difference.

BMrs · 23/01/2023 06:31

Honestly I don't know how people do to?!! My husband has a similar job with Hugh salary and super long hours. Since having our DC I dropped to 2 days a week and life still seems full on without my DH at home to help out and be home with the kids etc. my youngest doesn't start school until 2024 but I don't have any intention of going FT again as I just don't know how we would all function. Luckily I had gained a career before having children and was able to negotiate part time.

Are you sure there is no option to go part time one day a week? Or can you DH do the school run on his day WFH? Can he take on some of the life admin responsibilities too?

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 06:31

It’s tough. I’ve worked part and full time over the last 22yrs whilst raising my 3 kids, mostly full time. My eldest had no father in his life at all and my youngest two do have a father they love, but he’s worked overseas for the last 7yrs. My family live 250 miles away so no help. It’s been tough, two of my children are adults now, one nearly 15. So I’m nearly there! Life is easier now, my DD loves to cook so sorts her own dinner out most of the time. I run a large team now so I’m very busy and in the last year have been able to get a promotion and focus on my own career, with a plan now to get another promotion in the next couple of years. Even financially I’ve mostly done it alone, my ex earns a lot of money but has never given me regular maintenance. I’m very independent and never wanted to ask him, but I have recently and he gave me 1k for ‘winter fuel’. Don’t even get me started on that. So what I’m saying is life is tough when you’re a working mother, especially doing most of it alone (though not financially of course which does make a difference to you being able to out source chores etc). A cleaner helps massively but still leaves a lot of stuff to do daily of course. I don’t think there’s really an answer, it’s just something you get through and one day the kids will have grown up and gone and it feels like a distant memory!

Judgyjudgy · 23/01/2023 06:32

Get a nanny, cleaner whatever. Sounds like you can afford it, so outsource all the boring stuff (eg cleaning, making food, house work, driving). You can do it OP!! Good luck !

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 06:37

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 22:18

As others have said I am a bit suspicious of a man who can work 40 hours a week but do nothing else outside work because of health issues. He could cut hours. And / or do more that fits in with his limitations.
Other than that its cut standards or outsource

He gets away with it as his wife allows it. I work full time with a chronic health condition and my kids father sodded off 5000 miles away leaving me to it. More fool me saying it was fine to go. It’s tough when you’re in pain and you need to cook the kids tea. Prior to a major surgery I had some nights I’d be cooking their dinner and vomiting inbetween. I’d have loved to have been able to say sorry work takes it out of me I can’t do anything else at all. Dinner on the table for me every night, my house cleaned and kids all sorted. Some men don’t know they’re born as my mother would say

lightand · 23/01/2023 06:37

Where are all the superwoman/how to keep on top of wokr/housework/ threads/people when you need them?

Now see this is an old thread.
And I am being a bit tounge in cheek.

But pretty sure I have read threads on here about how to do this and this while doing other things. Cleaning a shower as soon as jump out, stick washing on while waiting for kids to finish breakfast type threads.

Personally, your workrate makes me shudder. I coudlnt possibly do it. But each to their own.

Quinoawoman · 23/01/2023 07:22

This is why I went part time and jettisoned as much responsibility as I could! The only difference between my situation and yours was that I hated my job so it was an easier decision.

I would advise outsourcing as much as possible. Instead of a cleaner can you get someone in more of a housekeeper role so they do more stuff like cooking, changing the beds, tidying up? Maybe a nanny?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/01/2023 07:26

I'm curious to know what issues he has which prevent him from helping more on the weekends but don't seem to hinder him going out to work 4 full days a week?

Quinoawoman · 23/01/2023 07:28

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 22:18

As others have said I am a bit suspicious of a man who can work 40 hours a week but do nothing else outside work because of health issues. He could cut hours. And / or do more that fits in with his limitations.
Other than that its cut standards or outsource

He is the main earner though - earns 3x what she does, so reducing his hours would be a huge hit ob the family finances, I'd say him struggling through work and having nothing left at the end of it is a contribution to them all having a roof over their heads.

The thing to question is WHY women are so often in the position of having a partner who earns 2 or 3 timed their salary. In my case it's because of choosing a career that I thought would fit in better with having a family (teaching - if only) and DH went into IT. Mat leave also massively interfered with my career plans at a fairly critical moment.