What am I/we doing wrong?

[WatchingTotp]

Dd, almost 4 is just so so difficult.
I love the bones of her (obviously) she’s bright, funny, interesting, can be very loving etc, but she’s just mainly pretty defiant and difficult.
I feel like every day is an argument at the moment, she doesn’t listen to ‘No’ argues against me, can be rude in the way she speaks etc.
She’s v intense and just so energetic, she does never stops…ever, this makes her v demanding. She needs us to constantly play with her. She’s been out playing with friends and in the pool for 4-5 hrs today and for a dog walk and still demanding daddy plays with her when he gets back from work.
She wasn’t always like this, it’s feels like from 3 onwards she became more difficult to deal with.
We have calmer days and times but mainly it’s like this.
I just don’t feel happy anymore and wake up dreading most days 😔

*Just never stops

What did you do wrong? Have a 3 year old, basically. I mean - I know it's not helpful but none of what you've said sounds like anything other than every 3 year old I have ever met...

@LordEmsworth This hyper and full on and demanding though? She’s 4 next week

Friends kids are so much calmer

I know this sounds trite but your boundaries need to tighten.
Do not let her contrariness dictate .

@WishILivedInThrushGreen Yes, i’m really battling with her every day, I stand my ground and don’t allow her to be boss/override me, but she bloody tries!

Maybe it's just the 3 year olds I know - but it does seem to be a constant battle of wills, and they expect constant attention. Though they are more subdued among people they don't know very well... But generally it's constant no, taking things away, pulling them away, stopping them doing things...

@LordEmsworth Would you say that at basically 4 though? I thought it might calm a little by now

That sounds just like my DD OP. It settled once she started school and turned 5 (she's an April birthday). Still have our battles but she listens to reason now and I've tried to teach her to name emotions so we can talk about what she is feeling.

How’s her sleep? I only ask as I have a just-turned 3 year old and she can be exactly the same if she’s not getting enough sleep.

We’ve made a big effort recently to ensure she’s going to sleep around 7pm every night, very relaxed lead up to bed, and she gets a solid 11-12 hours per night. Her behaviour is so much better when she has this routine of really good quality sleep - she’s like a different child!

Sorry if you’re already doing this, but thought I’d mention as it’s something that’s worked here.

Sounds completely normal - hang in OP!

@WishILivedInThrushGreen I agree with this - tighten up your boundaries. You say she demands that Daddy plays with her. Does he always agree? If so, she’s used to getting her own way. It’s okay to say No.

Don’t let her argue or be rude. If she is rude, put her on the naughty step, or another sanction. If she has a tantrum, let her. I know tantrums aren’t nice to listen to, but if you always respond to them (ie. Givevin), she’ll have leant that by being definantly/rude/tantrum, she can get what she wants.

She is just well ready for school op!!

@Cameronnorrieisabitofalright I don’t know-worried about her acting like that there! 🙈

Do you ever just say no and tell her to watch tv or look at her books or something? Because it sounds normal to me, mine would have been on the go 247 if I let them. But I didn't. Sometimes because there was other stuff I needed to do, sometimes because I'd had enough and they'd been enough.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy Yes we tell her, sometimes she accepts it easily and goes off but tonight and the last month or so she’s been still going on (and on) when we’ve said no and then we end up getting cross

My daughter was a nightmare at 4, absolute nightmare. She tried to control me basically, even went mental in the car at school drop off once and told me where to park and went insane as I didn't park where she wanted me to. It was awful and you have my sympathy. She calmed down once she turned 5 and is absolutely lovely now, there is hope!

@Whataboutno Yep, similar here too recently, telling me to ‘Stop doing that!’ and telling me off, it’s like ‘Wait..what?!’

I really think you just have to get through it, we never had any luck with any naughty step she would literally fling herself off of it. Have hope that it does get better eventually!

My eldest was the same, started around 3 and still having many battles of wills at 5. He was a really easy baby and toddler, and then he just turned into an absolute tyrant.

We've seen some improvement recently (he's 5y 3mo now) and I'm hoping this phase will end soon! Things that have helped us:

• Giving him choices rather than saying 'no' which just turns into a standoff. So for example if I say 'time to brush your teeth' and he says 'No', I reply 'you can either come here and brush your teeth, or you can have one less bedtime story/ no TV before bed etc. You decide'. Then I wait and don't engage. If he doesn't come, then I say' 'ok, you chose one less story ...' at which point I generally get another 'no' and him reluctantly coming over.

• Warning him in advance that we're going out, or going to stop this game, or that I need to work for the next half hour etc

• Doing 'deals' like I'll sit and finish this cup of tea and then I'll come and look at your trucks

Basically with our DS it's a control thing. He would definitely love to tell me where to park! So I try to give him the choices, avoid surprises and make compromises (but all within the range of outcomes I'm happy with).

It's difficult to tell from a short post if her behaviour is excessive or normal for a 4 year old. One thing that stands out in your post though was

"She’s been out playing with friends and in the pool for 4-5 hrs today and for a dog walk and still demanding daddy plays with her when he gets back from work."

This does sound entirely normally. Is expect most young children to be on the go pretty much from getting up to crashing out the evening.

I found reward charts worked for my eldest as it gave us both focus on some important behaviours to work on in the day.
This doesn't work so much with my youngest though as she needs instantaneous responses, so for her we do removal from situation and redirection still. The youngest does have developmental delay, the eldest doesn't, so different techniques work in different situations, there isn't a right and wrong its just trial and error for each child so don't beat yourself up, just keep trying.

My DS is still like this, he is 5
I set up stations for colouring and puzzles and things I want to do
If I don't want play paw patrol I say no, but I will colour with you ect
And I just pick my battles if he doesn't want to take a coat that's fine, I'll take it and normally he doesn't end up wearing it ect

Don’t let anyone (future school, etc.) tell you it’s “Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)” which is nonsense speak for a lack of real discipline.
Remember you’re the parent and you’re in charge. Strong boundaries, especially around behaviour, make children feel more secure. Don’t let a 3 yo dictate how things will be/take charge - it’s not fair on them.
Good luck!